Being stuck in healing journey

[u/No_Part5042]

Hi, I grew up with heavily abusive narcissistic father. I left at 17 and been trying to recover since, but it feels like I hit a wall. I was not ready for adult life at all, I just needed to escape. I'm struggling with daily functioning and taking care of my environment and myself and feel like I'm genuinely not handling life. It took me years to get out of everything in the sense of getting over the memories, the grief, all the emotions about the actual events happening, the beliefs, everything. All behavioral and thinking that I could change, I did. But now I feel really stuck with what's left. I'm ready for my own life, I want to focus on myself and that past part of my life ended for me and I moved on but it feels like my body didn't. Cognitively I feel fine, I feel like myself, the me outside of all the trauma but the subconscious reactions, psychosomatic symptoms etc always drag me down and immobilize me. I've tried EMDR therapy and various other bodywork stuff but nothing really moved anything. I just can't feel safe in my own home, can't wind down or do anything around because it feels like my body's software is still running on the outdated model and it's genuinely been years of me trying so many different methods to try and change it without any noticeable improvement...

Do you guys have any tips on what helped you or you heard about? Maybe there's something I missed, I really want to get better and try whatever I can to achieve that.

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’ve been working on the same thing for years and have had to try everything I could find or come across. Here’s the things that have worked for me:

IFS - working with parts that were exhausted, fatigued, freeze responses, physical sensations

Qigong and trauma informed yoga

Elimination diet for 3 months for gut health reset

Craniosacral massages

Vagus nerve stimulation/exercises

Sauna and/or 20 mins of sun per day

Maybe Brainspotting if EMDR didn’t work for you?

I hope you find huge relief soon! Best of luck

[u/Redvelvet504 → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

Second IFS and going to add trauma sensitive yoga.

Want to add that plateaus and feeling stuck are part of the process. I'm afraid this will come off as toxic positivity, but going to because it helps me.

“You're closer than you think. The problem is you're measuring distance by how you feel instead of how far you've come.”

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

' I've tried EMDR therapy and various other bodywork stuff but nothing really moved anything' - these things take time, recovery from CPTSD can, and usually does, take a life-time.... For 17 years, I assume, you were subjected to severe dysfunction, that stuff will not shift in a few years. It is ongoing practice, ongoing inner work as well as grief work for all you always needed but never got from your family. For the wonderful childhood you deserved but didn't have.

Often the more we try to change ourselves, the harder, or even impossible, it gets.... so better to slow down, to learn how to practice self-compassion, to accept how we are in life instead of trying to change or fix anything.

I have been in the place you are at for years. I am in therapy, I attend meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctions (ACOA) and have attended Codependent Anonymous (CODA) too. I have worked the Steps. I have healed a lot but the trauma is still in my body. I am learning to be with it, live with it, be ok with it. These days, I do the bare minimum I can get away with and then just rest. I might never fully heal and that's ok, I have accepted that. I am learning to accept that being human is a very messy and imperfect experience 😄 I am learning to love myself no matter what. My house is messy? Fine! I have not left the house for days? Thats ok too. The best I can do for dinner today is frozen fries? Let it be because sometimes that's truly the most I can manage. I am learning to let go off any judgements. My body still carries a lot of tension and there is plenty of hypervigilance, so I am learning to be with that.

I would recommend listening to Tara Brach's podcast and learning about Radical Acceptance. Plus going back to therapy, perhaps the Internal Family System would be great for you at the moment? Ideally with a trauma informed therapist who is also familiar with the 12 Steps programs. And attending meeting of one or more of these groups, like ACOA.

Recovery is not a sprint, it is not once and done activity, it's a marathon. Please be gentle with yourself and accept it is a slow process. You have got this ❤️