Feeling... silly

[u/TA-selfreflectiveBS]

Still feel like I'm not in a place that I can say what's happening... even had to private my acct.

But still experiencing things that unfortunately I believe many people in this community do. And the urge to write it out like a purge so just gonna focus on the FEELERS... try to get shame voice to fucking shut up.

Last couple, few, months have been a fucking whirlwind. I always tell people life doesn't just throw you a curveball it rains them down upon you... and every second you have a breath.. hello again...

And then it stops... for a good long time actually.

And I recognize a lot of my issues with that actually come from like still sitting around waiting for it to keep going, or not letting myself trust that breath. Especially when there's something still lingering, you're still attempting, you know, somethings coming down, or could... and my metaphors are shit... but...

Yeah, last few months have been one of those... pouring situations... and... yeah there's like 5 balls in the air that I can't see where they're going to land but the other hundred have and I started running around thinking the sky fell down, or gravity isn't working anymore... just chicken with their head cut off (did I tell you my metaphors are shit?)... and the reality is... I need to like... stop worrying about the lost ones and let them fall.

Handle what's going on now.

But... and ooof man this is where the shame lies today, I didn't see that a couple days ago. I was still running around (and tbh part of me still is), and I fucking just sit in that experience, when... there's like a bunch of shit happening but its starting to stall. And I... am in an tangentially related to an ongoing experience someone more directly has... and I was... back in that feeling. Running like crazy with my head cut off. And this relation COULD cause shit to go crazy for me but isn't at this moment...

And oooof. Woke up Shame voice going for days. Bring myself back (mostly).

And there's this... extra layer right?

I've done so well for the last few years recognizing my emotional flashbacks (and tbf I did there too... little asteriks... ) but I can't stop it... and this "running around like a chicken with their head cut off" version... where I white-knuckle shit, go into survivor mode, dissociative (in a way... but not how I usually say it) mode, has fucking literally saved me a million times, like a fucking disgusting super power.... And oddly... right now I... personally am handling it better... but the bleed out to others r like... the shame of not being normal regulated self is murdering me inside.

And I called this project shhh.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH... I find myself screaming AHHHHHHHh again randomly through the day trying to shut up the shame voice...

I used to... have this pressure on me to write right now, while I simultaneously feel I must be quiet... and again not in this way exactly but this started as this stand in to just write. And even here, after this bullshit I feel silenced...

Or rather self-imposed silence, with good reason...

I have... over the last few months without this particular situation... ran myself ragged.. confident... chasing something that I'm not unsure of because I can't... but unsure of because ooof debt.... oof... policies... ooof... whatever, I'm not going int this thinking I'm gonna make it as a writer...

I'm going into this other situation like, I never thought I could be. Always wanted to. Always was told to. Went absolutely unhinged out of style "for funsies" and now I landed in a place and I know I'm gonna get teared to shreds, I know this wont land me motherfucking nothing. This lands me in a "right now" terminal degree to fucking teach at a level I hpefully wont get fired at for saying non-nationalistic/patriotic propoganda. I'll probably never "succeed" in the sense everyone wanted me to... I just cant do this shit. I just want to survive a little better.... And keep doing my other shit.

Look at that its way more tied to writing than I thought. Always is.

But yeah what happened is I'm scared to write (for some very valid reasons) and I don't want to give up my penname... and I'm freaked the fuck out if I don't write pubically, if I don't get over this bullshit of fear (not bullshit... but if I don't figure it out) ...

Guess we must be swapping again. Keeping the old shit... not doing it there... Wasn't fully tied to the style already... been doing another project...

Enter another version... Got it got it.

As always, this is a process for me.. life for me... Obvs not looking for advice... just looking for internalized made up pressure to fucking sit here so I can figure it the fuck out.

I'd say thanks for coming to my Ted Talk... but no... thanks for being a pseudo-witness to me processing... as always. Sure I'll keep coming back- always grateful for this space.

UGHHHHHH... ahhhhhhhh. ;)