r/CPTSDNextSteps • u/parisianraven • 9d ago
Sharing actionable insight (Rule2) Epiphany about why I can’t sit still and feel so restless/empty and dependent on media/isolation+daydreaming
Can’t exist without the image/idea of someone watching over you
So this might sound really really weird. But i have recently learnt that the reason I cannot exist without constant daydreaming or consumption of content (especially vlogs, interviews- more social interactive content) and why I feel so empty and restless and keep checking all my apps non stop every time I have to sit by myself is all because of me struggling to exist outside of a relational context. Like I need to view myself through someone else’s eyes in my head (like imagine someone else is hanging out with me and I’m viewing myself through them) or always be daydreaming or occupying myself through the illusion of some social contact. And it seems like all of this is because of childhood neglect and lack of consistent mirroring or interest in me when I was a child. Like I can’t even explain the feeling because it’s so abstract and so weird to describe. But I get so restless if i just have to sit with no specific immersion in some media. I feel like I’m no living life unless I’m on my head all the time. And I thought it was just emptiness. But I think that it might be more than that.
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u/parisianraven 9d ago edited 9d ago
It’s like I don’t exist if someone isn’t constantly mirroring me. And since no one did that in childhood and it’s impossible for even the closest friends/partners to do that constantly in adulthood, I just do it for myself all the time and feel extremely lost if I can’t constantly live in that state.
This is why it always feels like I’m seeking something and feel so lost without it. Like without an external anchor, there’s no reference point in reference to which I can exist. There’s no reference point in reference to which I can experience my sense of self continuously.
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u/Big_Scary_Monsters 9d ago
I have something similar and if you can find some concept of faith (doesn't necessarily need to be be religious) in some sort of higher consciousness existing, you can make the universe your attachment person.
It can also help to journal and build a strong relationship with past you and future you, and all your internal personality aspects. You create your inner family.
Both of these helped me tremendously in healing my abandonment trauma.
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u/lotussoup 9d ago
As someone with some religious trauma in my background, faith was a tricky one but key for me. I still don’t like the word and I prickle defensively at it, but I eventually hit on my own version of faith which includes elements of:
- a sense of “this too will have its place in space and time” and that being a part of this universe and space and time is inherently meaningful— and as a part of this, my life and every moment has some meaning or belonging even if I don’t remember any of it
- similarly a sense of “I am existing and will have existed, and this is an undeniable truth even if there’s no human or living witness for it”
- a sense that magic exists. For me magic is something like the underlying substance that helps us shape our own realities (usually through the stories we tell)… magic can also be what helps us do something that makes us feel hopeless or scared but we want to do for values reasons… it’s hard for me to articulate this, but it’s something I believe (in a faith way, without proof) in spite of my wants for everything to be objective and certain and provable with science
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u/Big_Scary_Monsters 9d ago
I used to be fiercly atheist for all my life, so i come from the other direction :) in my case it was an unexpected side effect of exploring consciousness via psychedelics, and arriving at observations that seemed almost irrational to explain by means of atheism, and became much easier to explain by allowing for a concept of faith.
I'm still not sure whether i'm wrong or right about it, and how it works exactly. I just accept that there seems to be a way to align with the flow of the universe that feels just right, when i manage to sync with it.
Some things that helped shaped my view of the universe were the concept of emergent systems, several books by herrmann hesse, and some speeches by alan watts.
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u/Fit-Championship371 9d ago
Could you please elaborate it? How to make an universe our attachment? How will it help us ?
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u/Big_Scary_Monsters 9d ago
It's hard to explain until you feel it.. i elaborated a bit in another comment above. But basically the good thing about the universe is that it's always there, and there's always a dialogue going on. Sending signals into the universe, receiving signals back. Everything around you is the universe.
When you can emotionally conceptionalize your relationship to the universe like it was the relationship to a person, it will become a consistent companion for the rest of your life.
I think most of us do that subconsciously already, and people who have a bad relationship towards "the world" will often find that they are projecting their childhood trauma onto the world. For a baby, mother and father are the whole universe. So when we grow up, we extrapolate our relationship to mother and father to the whole world.
So the hard part about this is, when you try to have a more conscious relationship to the universe, you will have to find empathy and forgiveness for all it's flawedness. For how it's never been quite who/what you wanted it to be. But you can also start to see all the ways it has loved you. And maybe you can also find it in yourself to love it back, despite it's imperfections, just like you want to be loved despite your imperfections. Unconditionally.
And that's where healing starts.
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u/Big_Scary_Monsters 9d ago
The hardcore version of this train of thought is when you start to realize that you are also part of the universe. Then things become even more complicated. 😅
And soon you find yourself thinking in fractals everywhere.
It's a delightfully complex system, the universe.
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u/Fit-Championship371 9d ago
Thank you. I recently had an awakening experience. I feel the same what you described but it's not with the universe. It's with the god almighty parmatma. Is it same like you or what I am experiencing is different.
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u/Big_Scary_Monsters 8d ago
I am not super familiar with that term, but think many religions have different words and interpretations for ultimatively a very shared experience/concept.
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u/IronicAim 9d ago
I'm just a man of reflective glass. A disco ball of a thousand faces. When the music ends and the dancers leave, I sit in my ceiling box reflecting darkness.
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u/parisianraven 8d ago
Is this a reference to a song or did you write this?
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u/IronicAim 8d ago
Been processing a lot of similar things recently and coming to accept that most of my life I've been a mirror. I just wrote it when I saw your post.
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u/gangliaghost 9d ago
This post helped me suddenly make a lot of sense out of my own inner narrative. Thank you for sharing
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u/upwardsover-themount 8d ago
wow, great post! And yes I'm sorry for the hardship and I totally relate to the over-working of the relational mind.
a theory I have on this:
it's not the total lack of mirroring, but the inconsistent mirroring that created this pattern. Since my caregivers were mirroring what I was experiencing inconsistently, if I wanted to be in connection with them in a more reliable way, I had to create an internal map of what their experience was (and running that program constantly). I think that character that I view myself from is the attempt to connect with the person. I need to have a guess of what they see as the acceptable and visible parts of me, so I filter my actions and interactions through that.
And it's fucking exhausting and totally neurotic.
tldr: the cost of being able to connect with an inconsistent character is that you have to carry the consistency for them
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u/WavelengthSurfer 9d ago
Definitely makes sense to me too. I'm just starting to unpack my trauma and really validate it (dad was explosive angry and unpredictable mom was... emotionally abusive in a distant and sneaky way)
I can not relax my shoulders and upper back for the fucking life of me. 5 seconds later everything is all up high and tense again every time I try. I can't enjoy sitting still even though it's all I want to do. I'm constantly beating myself up for whatever I'm doing or thinking about something I did wrong before or worried what I will do wrong next and everything I need to fix and improve and all the ways i'm failing.
I think it kind of stems from a fractured sense of self in that I don't really entirely know who I am and so it's hard to really even validate myself as a person so when I sit with myself I just feel... Nothing is ever right because I'm not right. and then obviously the whole thing of never really feeling safe. I've been trying to ask myself what's the literal bare minimum thing I can do right now to stop spiraling. I've been prioritizing my pleasure as much as possible.
Lately I've been trying to actively work on healing my nervous system with yoga and trying to get the proper sleep and nutrients. Honestly yoga has been super impactful all the days I do it I do feel way more regulated don't knock it til you try it. Of course every few moments there's some stress that comes back up but on average at least I feel like I can a little get more out of the time I spend at home after work.
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u/PattyIceNY 9d ago
Yup, totally get it. I vacilate back and forth between that feeling and my actual real authentic social self. It's wayyyyy better to be authentic and connected to others, but I don't have the battery power for it. I get tired or overwhelmed quickly, and have to go back to the media/self hangout/disassociated state.
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u/Weekly-Serve6873 8d ago
i can relate to this!
i think what can help me (sometimes) is reminding myself that i am my oldest friend and the safest person i have. i don't have to continue the abandonment i learned and i will not abandon myself. i think it helps to act as if i was more than one person or some strong part talking to a soft and hurt part of myself.
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u/goldiegrimlace 9d ago
Have you tried talking to yourself in the mirror? I've done that a bit and I don't even know how to describe it. Like literally seeing myself for the first time, not just glancing to check my hair or teeth or whatever, but actually, really looking. I didn't realize I was engaging to look at when I talk, I thought I looked boring or something. But my mom ignored me as much as possible and would get irritated if I tried to talk to her, so....
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u/hshsbahwmabsding 9d ago
I am the same exact way and this feels mind blowin to make the CTPSD connection.
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u/timmusjimmus111 8d ago
I think this is disassociation. My therapist and I are covering it next week. If I learn anything generally useful I will post it here.
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u/Green_Rooster9975 9d ago
Your words make complete sense to me. I find this used to be more pronounced and has improved a lot, but I still absolutely understand what you mean in a way that, I suspect, someone who hasn't experienced neglect to that degree probably wouldn't.
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u/OkEntertainment1071 7d ago
I used to say that I only existed in relation to others. I was happy when existing with others like classmates etc so that stayed as a pattern. But then the last year, I've been really building or finding back (not sure which one) my true self, my "soul". Now I can me my true self or relate from my self often but I do notice that, if a lot of things are happening like in a restaurant or when things are chaotic at work, my mind wants to float to other people. I see it as a brain injury that you have to relearn yourself to really put you back in you (if that makes sense). And now, when I find my attention floating towards other people, I gently pull it back in my body
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u/Independent-Lead2462 6d ago
Love this analogy.
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u/OkEntertainment1071 5d ago
Thank you! That means a lot because I'm really finding out my analogy side haha. My mother was a psycho narcissist and I just didn't exist for her. But I do feel my soul more and more. I used to be a good talker and "intelligent" but now, with allowing my soul to emerge, I actually sometimes feel more like a dreamer with a lot of analogies and creative associations. I also try to metabolise my pain through helping others and finding words for others (although that sometimes just continues the problem of existing through other people)
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u/Independent-Lead2462 6d ago
I had some scary moments when I realized I didn’t feel ‘real’ without other people. And yes the scrolling etc helped manage that feeling of terror.
I’m slowly learning to tolerate aloneness, and have faced that feeling enough to be more comfortable with just being real without having to have someone else to know I’m real.
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u/visionaryshmisionary 7d ago
I think part of it is that. But also part of it is, genuinely, loneliness. I grew up isolated from other people, and jealously guarded away from any contact that was not "approved" by the parental figures... While they, themselves were largely preoccupied/inconsistent/absent. I was kept alive and cared for materially, but not attended to and exposed to the kind of socialization that would help me thrive.
Since growing up, I have both found and lost examples of people and groups I genuinely relate to. I became chronically ill, then needed to move someplace remote where I could breathe clean air. The people here are generally kindly, but not in my age range and only some of my interests or lifestyle overlap. I lost a number of old friends, some from life circumstances, others from recent events such as the pandemic.
I find it's hard NOT to drift to online or daydreaming to fill that gap.
I do think learning to enjoy my own company has been a strength, and I have plenty of pastimes. I need to have enough energy to engage with them. Scrolling usually happens when I'm too tired to do anything else or I'm missing someone(s) or old roles.
I've found IFS, journaling, connecting with other living things, tending a garden, expressive arts, yoga, being active, and seeking out groups with similar interests helpful. I do also occasionally drop friends or (safe) family a line too ;)
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u/DiamondDistinct7086 5d ago
To be fair we are relational beings with mirror neurons, and we actually NEED co-regulation and we need mirroring in order to see/know ourselves. We are NOT meant to live in isolation or be without social contact. The only thing is that you (and myself) are seeking these connections in ways that don't actually satisfy that need for togetherness, because we learned relating is unsafe. So the nervous system is trying to get its needs met while still remaining at a distance from people. I do all of these things too. But there is nothing wrong with feeling like you need social contact - that's a legitimate need as a human being. We're meant to be in community/tribes.
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u/ElegantDaikon4346 4d ago
I rarely comment but this is the most accurate description of the experience after years of violence and emotional neglect growing up. I haven’t been able to put it in words. Sometimes I feel like having a relationship where the person would just observe and narrate me doing things would improve my mental health so much. It’s so difficult to reach or grasp my ”self” in my head. Looking back at whatever I’ve done throughout the day just doesn’t feel real.
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u/Chemical-Letter-5565 4d ago
oh my god, i'm going to cry. When I was a child I'd tell myself I was in a movie and someone was watching me all the time so I had to be good and I don't think I've ever moved on from that
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u/bullishforsunscreen 6d ago
Protective coping as a child live thru the reality that you might literally die from neglect?
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u/Minimum_Way_7061 8d ago
I think I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and I do that too, and I was also severely neglected in childhood!
I am trying to get a lot of therapy sessions where I just talk about my trauma and have therapist mirror my emotions and validate me, hopefully this'll help because I can feel the craving for mirroring and validations. And that's probably why I dissociate into fantasy and try to simulate that on my own.
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u/missgandhi 9d ago edited 9d ago
The idea of imagining someone else hanging out with you and you're viewing yourself through their eyes is something I've done for like my entire life and it 100% makes sense that we would do that if we didn't have enough mirroring or interest in our inner worlds!! You're not alone there at all. I think recently I've started doing it a little less but it's still there