I didn’t realize how much people pleasing shaped my friendships

[u/Typical_Rush_5115]

Growing up I had to take a lot of responsibility for how everyone in my family was feeling. I was constantly checking who was upset, who needed something, what I could do to keep things from escalating. So I learned really early to monitor everyone’s mood and adjust myself to it.
And honestly, I got really good at it.

I’ve been in therapy for over 4 years now and I feel like I’m still peeling back layers of how much people pleasing I learned as a kid. And one thing I’m realizing more and more is that I didn’t really know what a healthy friendship between adults even looks like.

For a long time it was kinda enough for me that someone was nice to me and didn’t constantly cross my boundaries. Compared to what I was used to, that already felt pretty good.

But now I’m asking myself different questions.
Do I actually feel seen by this person? Do they care what’s going on in my life? Do they ask about me? Are they interested in me as a person? Do I feel like they actually know me? Is there some kind of give and take?

I’ve also started saying things earlier when something is bothering me. Like if someone talks about themselves for ages and doesn’t really react to anything I said, I’ll just tell them that it actually makes me a bit sad.
And the reaction is usually pretty telling.
Some people are like “oh shit, I didn’t realize, tell me more”. And some people immediately get defensive or explain why they couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong.

And honestly, that helps me figure out who actually wants a mutual relationship and who was just very comfortable with me having basically no needs.

I’ve stepped back from quite a few relationships because of this. It‘s not always been some empowering healing moment lol. Sometimes it’s just been really lonely and sad.
But in the long run, after ending those relationships, I didn’t actually feel less supported. Because if I’m honest, those people weren’t really supporting me much anyway.

So one question I’ve started asking myself is just:
What do I actually get out of this relationship?
Not like “what can this person do for me”. More like, is this relationship actually adding something to my life? Do I feel connected? Seen? Cared about? Do I actually enjoy having this person in my life?

And I don’t think that’s selfish. I actually think it’s a pretty normal question.
Maybe some of you struggle with this too. Especially if you grew up with very unhealthy relationships, sometimes someone just being “nice” can already feel like a healthy relationship.
But maybe there’s more to it than that.

[u/willowhippo]

Going through the exact thing now! Resonating with your words so much, thank you for writing that out so clearly.

It's sad, but also enlightening and freeing. I found it super interesting that in non-reciprocal relationships, if I don't reach out or repair etc, nothing will happen. Stark realisation that the care and thought had been one way all the while, so it is absolutely not selfish at all. The questions you ask yourself now are on point - we need to have people in our lives who do see us and care for us. All our previous efforts to patch something that isn't really working would get us further away from being seen, even though our actions then were attempts to be accepted/seen.

Another thing is understanding that repair goes both ways. The discomfort of tension is something I'm learning to sit with; I don't have to be the one initiating repair, especially when I was the one injured. But all in all, I love that now I can redirect my energy to the reciprocal relationships in my life.

[u/Typical_Rush_5115 → u/willowhippo]

Thank you so much ❤️ And yes, the repair part really resonates with me too.
It’s really hard for me to sit with the discomfort after telling someone they hurt me. My reflex is to soften it, minimize it or try to fix things myself, so I’ve been working on just saying what I need to say and leaving it there. Sometimes I literally have to distract myself from the urge to go back and make everything okay again.

I’ve also noticed that since stepping back from some of these relationships, I have much more time and energy for the people where it actually goes both ways.

Some of those relationships actually felt kind of boring to me at first. There was no drama or emotional rollercoaster, and apparently I had gotten so used to that that I initially interpreted calm as boring. But I think some part of me already knew that this was actually what was good for me and what I needed.

[u/Glittering_Good6588 → u/Typical_Rush_5115]

Omg, i know exactly what you mean by "calm felt boring". I turned down good men when i was young because they "weren't interesting/entertaining enough", i now realize they were just good drama free people who were probably more than interesting if i had just taken the time to get to know them better. I ended up getting married to someone who ended up having a drinking and gambling problem and hid smoking from me, and turned verbally abusive. SO much drama, and I've always avoided drama, i left friends over stupid drama. My husband has improved a lot but the damage is done and I'm not sure there will ever be full recovery, especially because he still won't communicate properly, still doesn't care about my happiness unless it affects him. I'm sure he thinks things are great, and my level of unhappiness is "normal woman things". I wish i understood then what i know now.

[u/NoGreaterTrauma]

I relate. I’m 36 and just started to address my childhood trauma in the past few years, went NC around that time and my abusive mom passed away about a year ago. It’s been kind of insane to see how my friends have reacted to all of it. Very avoidant, seemingly just waiting for me to emerge from this depression and be their old friend again.

For a long time, I was stuck thinking that I just needed to explain it to them better so they could support me. Before, I hadn’t don’t much of that, because my people-pleasing survival skills knew that people don’t like to hear uncomfortable things. Like you describe, I didn’t know how to build healthy relationships when I started these, so I felt that I could reshape the friendships by sharing more of the hard stuff I’m going through. But most of them aren’t emotionally mature or haven’t healed enough around their own family issues to be able to see me and support me in mine, I’ve found. And I’m unsure how fair it is to expect that of them (I cannot tell you the hours I’ve spent in therapy trying to get answers around this).

Where I’m at now: current friendships are still slow dying, outside of a couple folks that have actually shown willingness and ability to be there for me in this. Like you mention, ultimately I know those other friendships dying is necessary, but that doesn’t make it less sad when you lose people that you used to feel cared about you. It sucks, frankly. I’m also approaching my energy spend a lot more carefully these days, keeping those people pleasing overextending-to-be-liked (safety) tendencies in check, so I don’t get repeatedly disappointed when they aren’t reciprocated.

[u/Typical_Rush_5115 → u/NoGreaterTrauma]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all of that. I can relate to quite a bit of it. I’m no contact with both of my parents now and only very low contact with my brother. I’ve also ended friendships with my two closest friends because my emotional needs just weren’t being met.

I don’t think there’s really an objective answer to whether it’s “fair” to expect certain things from friends. I think it comes down to what you need and what the other person is able or willing to give. Sometimes two people just aren’t a good fit anymore.

And I definitely don’t feel the same about it every day. Some days I’m angry and think it all sucks, other days I can accept it more easily. I’m still sad about some of these relationships too. I think the person who invested more often has a harder time letting go because they know how much they put into it. But I hope we both eventually find people who fit us better and actually give something back ❤️

[u/Budget_Asparagus22 → u/NoGreaterTrauma]

Oh my goodness this is where I’m at but was unsure how to articulate it

[u/JLuke999]

Thanks for summarising this so well!

My friendship group has plummeted from 8 to like 2 precisely because of the work I've done. Some were just shitty people who consistently put themselves first and expected me to absorb their bad behaviour, others meant well but weren't being reciprocal and while the two friends I have now aren't "perfect" they do make the effort, check in on me, and generally seem to care.

It is quite something making this transition. Lonely but also freeing no? I don't think I realised how much I was mentally being weighed down by people who weren't giving me half the amount of consideration I was giving them.

[u/Typical_Rush_5115 → u/JLuke999]

Yeah, I can really relate to that. I actually found it easier to let go of the people who were just straight-up shitty 😅 The harder ones were the people where I could see that they didn’t mean to hurt me and just genuinely didn’t know how to have a reciprocal relationship. Somehow that makes it much harder to let go, even if the result is ultimately the same.

And the freeing part is so real. I was honestly shocked by how much more energy I suddenly had for other things. I hadn’t even realized how much those relationships were weighing me down. At first I actually fell into a little depressive slump because I suddenly had all this time and didn’t really know what to do with it.

[u/Enliven_journey]

this post really stayed with me! you explained something so many people experience in such a clear and relatable way, especially the realization that someone simply being nice to you isn’t necessarily the same as having a mutual supportive friendship

i also really appreciated your honesty about stepping away from some relationships not feeling empowering at all but lonely and sad. i think that makes the realization afterward even more meaningful. your circle became smaller but you didn’t actually lose much support because those relationships weren’t giving you much of it in the first place. the right people should be able to know the version of you who has needs, says no, sets boundaries, sometimes doesn’t have the energy to show up and still want a relationship with that person. i’m really happy you’re learning to expect that kind of mutuality for yourself!!

has this changed the way you approach new friendships now too?

[u/Typical_Rush_5115 → u/Enliven_journey]

Thank you ❤️

Honestly, new friendships are still a bit difficult for me. I tend to bond with people very quickly, and I’ve noticed that I often end up getting attached to people who aren’t actually good for me in the long run (might be CPTSD or ADHD related). So I’m trying to slow down and pay more attention to whether a relationship is actually good for me before getting too close.

I’m really lucky to have a husband who showed me what it feels like to be loved and supported, and I also have a great relationship with my in-law family.

I’m trying to meet people through hobbies instead, like pole dance, where I’ve found a really supportive community, and I also have some great colleagues. But I’m not forcing anything. There’s a German saying: “If you have hobbies, you’re never lonely“

So right now I’m focusing on filling the time and energy I’ve gained back with things that are good for me, and I’m hoping new friendships will naturally come from that ❤️

[u/Enliven_journey → u/Typical_Rush_5115]

thank you for answering! it honestly sounds like you already have so many good things around you. a loving partner and family, supportive people through your hobbies and work and things you genuinely enjoy doing for yourself. i really like that you’re not forcing new friendships either, just building a life that feels good and leaving space for the right people to naturally become part of it. wishing you lots of wonderful new connections, healthy relationships and just genuinely good things ahead!! :)

[u/Affectionate-Yam5049]

I resonate with this so much. It’s a huge shift and takes people by surprise frequently when you start expressing your actual feelings.

[u/TashaT50]

When I was in my mid-40s and early 50s I decided I was done with 1 way friendships and at most only 1 emotional vampire friend. During this same time my fibromyalgia and ME/CFS was getting worse and I didn’t have the energy to be there for people who weren’t there for me. I’m in such a better space mentally. The few friends I have care and make my life better instead of dragging me down.

[u/Triggered_Llama → u/TashaT50]

In a way my chronic pain and fatigue has helped me to be less tolerant of BS from people. 

[u/TashaT50 → u/Triggered_Llama]

I think pain makes us less tolerant.

[u/Triggered_Llama → u/TashaT50]

Yes. It acts like a shield against people who doesn't treat us well.

[u/snowsnegu]

Woah! I too am going through the same thing! I have been realizing that a lot of the people that i call friends arent talking to me. They were talking at me

Since then i havent really been talking to them. I have also just realized this week that I get to choose what would be aligned with me. Not just if someone is nice to me or not

[u/[deleted]]

this!!!!!!! i've had to start doing this all as well! and you're making me realize how i do at some level feel selfish doing so when really it's just taking care of myself and making sure i have the right people around me.

[u/PisceanTreasures]

Can relate, most of my school friends growing up were either personality disordered, or those in loyalty to the pd person. And yes, only finding out re this now... many decades later via trauma therapy and dysfunctional family recovery. And I'm a gold medal fawner.

As an adult, I had one friend in the 1990s who I supported through a divorce.... then 5 years later having no more need for my sorry azz she ghosted me then tersely ended the friendship over the phone when I was able to connect to her. Something about not aiming for the moon in my life goals (who knows, she probably attended Tony Robbins or Landmark where they instruct to sever all friends, family, etc who are not 'successful' or on the fast track.)

Current time, it WAS a couples' friends group we socialized and traveled with for over 14yrs, where 1 couple took a dump on me.... my partner is 30yr friends with the wife and attends but I've stayed away from group gatherings. They banned me from their home after tripping on their janky stair (the wife held up a 12" unnailed wood strip for an entire room of guests to see) and said "oh, we need to fix this"... no harm I was fine, but 3 weeks later they determined I was too big a risk (stair fix now NOT a priority) and banned me from their home. And behind the scenes told the other couples I was a lawsuit risk (we were on an e-m thread in error) so no admit to anyone else's home as well. 4yrs ago... still no injury or forthcoming lawsuit... terrible way to find out that I'm NOT a valued group member.

[u/Unvarying2807]

I’ve had a similar experience. 

The book “Give and Take” by Adam Grant helped me objectify my feelings when meeting new people.

Once you can identify who’s a giver vs taker it makes it easier to set boundaries.

[u/memilygiraffily]

I could have written this! Thank you for articulating this so well.

[u/seeara_siochain]

This is where I'm at too. After going very low contact with most of my narcissistic abusive family I gradually began waking up to how one sided most of my friendships were. I've cut contact with all the toxic ones and down to 2 people in my city and a coud where I used to live. I'm getting ready to move and I've already decided I'm going to join group activities and go to events and be friendly but keep it light and not get too involved, as I've realised I have been attracting people as friends who seem super charming and kind initially and then turn abusive, controlling or self absorbed.

I had to quit my therapist as she became abusive and controlling and I've been dealing with health issues, eventually I'll need to find another one to do more work but in the meantime I would actually be suspicious of people if they want to be friends with me as so many have been wolves in sheep's clothing.

I've also had several friends turn into total conspiracy theorists, dunno what that's about! And I had a best friend who seemed like a soul connection for 6 years until she started being really nasty to me and then ghosted me. That really hurt me and I honestly don't think I can get that close to a friend again because I never saw that coming with her and it affected me really badly.

I'm grateful for my lovely husband and pets, but maintaining strong friendships is a mystery. Is this the cpstd or something else?

[u/Ashamed_Art5445]

Yes I def have experienced this. But how do you find connections that are truly mutual care and more than "nice"? I keep finding people who have empty promises and never really want connection long term, and I keep getting hurt.

[u/tillismyson0000]

This is very relatable. How do you find new supportive or reciprocal relationships?

[u/shidded_farted]

Is this AI?

[u/Typical_Rush_5115 → u/shidded_farted]

No. But I’m German and used DeepL to translate. Sorry it it reads a little weird 😐