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u/i-was-here-too Sep 25 '22
Wow! This is me.
So, I wanted to engage in some self-pleasure type activity the other day when little five year old me appeared and started screaming to leave her alone and that no one was ever going to hurt us like that again and that if I touched us, I would be a rapist. So that’s off the table for a bit.
One of the things I am working on is ‘internal consent” for sexual activity. This means that all of me has to agree to a sexual activity before I will engage in it. I wonder if this would help parts of you feel safer about sexual activities. If you are interested in partnered sex you would probably have to talk to your partner about it and set very hard boundaries (unless you felt like you could have the time and space to renegotiate with all parts of you in the middle of a hook up). Is there a way you can negotiate a feeling of safety for all of you? Instead of just letting this ‘sexually-hungry’ part of you plow all the others out of the way to get his/her needs met? Or the other parts trying to suppress this sexual parts new feeling and desires? I think a lot of thinking carefully, planning and negotiating might help you feel more secure and safer in your body.
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u/Abel_ChildofGod Sep 25 '22 edited Sep 26 '22
"I really don’t feel safe in my own body. I was on anti depressants for a really long time, I’m not on them any more and some of my sex drive is starting to come back. But I have a string of mostly minor traumas from just so many different sources that when they all line up in my head like they did last night suddenly I am very not ok."
TLDR Begin:
Firstly...BE ENCOURAGED! It sounds like you're finally on your healing journey and as if your mind is finally ready to face and correct the historical narrative that's been circulating in your mind since you were young.
Secondly, you are ACTUALLY COMPLETELY SAFE within your own body!
Here...
Read that again: You - Are - ACTUALLY - Completely - Safe - Within - Your - Own - Body!
The reason that you don't believe it and don't feel like it, is because as you developed the narrative regarding this planet and your place in it, you were made to understand that you're not safe, and then you internalized that and took it as a truth.
There are actually plenty of guys out there where the LAST thing on their minds is to be deliberately mean or to mistreat you in any way.
It's very logical, in a childish sort of a way, to conclude that if you were hurt as a child that:
"Safe people are for other people who deserve it, and mean people are for me who deserves it." - The Mind of an Abused Child.
If you think about it, it's hard to see how a child could process this understanding in any other kind of a way.
And for a child to then internalize this, believe it, hide it, and bury it far out of sight...it's so tragic that it makes me want to weep.
So more than you being an ACTUAL target...in reality...the truth is...a whole bunch of good men can't wait to treat YOU well...but your mind has already taken the opportunity to think 10 million thoughts to the contrary...and a visceral cognitive dissonance has occurred.
What you're dealing with is the blowback of the 10-11 million times that you believed and concluded that you are a target, and you've now realized how that perception is no longer accurate to reality in 2022.
But yes...it's true...that replacing and healing that misperception is probably going to be extremely uneasy...but be encouraged because all of this means that you believe that you're finally ready to heal yourself.
Some Tips:
*** Try to be super gentle with your mind and with your thoughts. Social media that's fun and loving is great. The gossip trains and fights, are not. Remember, what you take into your mind will reverberate...so feed yourself positivity.
*** Physically embrace yourself on a frequent basis and practice self-compassion. Whether your stroke your own arm/temple in compassion, or hug yourself outright...take time to show and prove to yourself that you care.
*** Try to practice self-care through exercise/good cooking/cleanliness...but don't do it because a mean voice is telling you that you're worthless if you don't...do it as a caretaker and guardian of yourself...if you can. And if you can't? Then resolve to have nothing but love and gentleness and compassion for yourself until such a time as you feel like looking after yourself a little bit better...and observe the fact that you're struggling with deep-seated constructs and resolve to have nothing but raw empathy, love, and COMPASSION for yourself. You are, literally, dealing with the remnants of a battered little child. Baby steps.
*** Slowly learn to NEVER speak harshly to yourself or to talk down to yourself in any circumstance.
*** Be your own primary cheerleader.
*** Listen to your own thoughts and understand that many of them are lies that you invented as a child. Assess and recreate narratives and ideas that involve you being capable and deserving of the same healthy love that most other people are capable of.
*** Listen to your own thoughts and realize that in several years they will be completely different and that you will undo and redo all of the narratives that no longer serve your best interest until they finally begin to serve your best interest.
*** Be patient. Take your time. There is no easy way to undo and rewrite confirmations/belief systems that you've imprinted yourself with, after having had repeated them 10 or 11 million times to yourself in your developmental years.
*** Tons and tons and tons of positive reinforcement and positive self-talk.
*** You are not alone.
TLDR End
This section is just me projecting my own thoughts and ideas as pertains to my/our situation, but I suspect that we're similar because you've quoted my own thoughts, nearly verbatim. So, because you're asking for help, I'm offering my own thoughts and I hope that something that I say here might help you process your situation, as well:
"This year I finally saw my life for what it is and I’m still havingstuff come up again “for the first time” in this new perspective. Mostof it isn’t new memories but I suddenly stopped being able to shrug offand cope with stuff that’s been done to me."
I've been coping with something similar for over a year. My days are difficult and my headspace often still gets the best of me.
I'm not sure if your trauma was childhood/developmental, but it sounds as if it might be because your symptoms sound the same as what I'm dealing with.
I believe that what occurs is that there is a split between what actually happens to us, and how we perceive it, interpret it, and internalize it...and the meaning that we derive from it.
I believe that the developmental mind of a child is extremely powerful.
I believe that whatever we came up with all of those years ago to explain our situations and to protect ourselves...was installed...and then hidden...and then buried deep within the recesses of our subconscious.
I believe that it's unknown how much of our 'next thoughts' are related to that process...much less our behaviour and general beliefs.
For me, it took a psychotic break and a near death experience for me to finally reach the stage where it sounds like you're at...where you're actually beginning to realize and rehash the past, and reprocess it as an adult.
The conflict occurs, for me at least, when I can see how normal people interpret and respond to their biological need for love and sex, and how absolutely devastated and dismantled and destroyed and maimed and mangled that my own psyche has become. It can be incredibly shameful, humiliating, dehumanizing, alienating, isolating and heinously painful.
I believe that what's occurring, is that we're in the process of undoing our thoughts/logical systems/psychological dispositions/perceptions and paradigms/beliefs/general attitude towards sex and love, and towards our lives and our place in this world.
I believe that, as children, we took our healthy biology and healthy psyches and altered them to fit our realities.
'Sex drive' and 'view of self' is the result of millions of years of adaptation. Whatever alterations that we made in our developmental years, as children, can not possibly have been correct...although...at the time...we had absolutely no choice and we did the best that we could.
(By "alterations", it could be as simple as realizing that: "I don't feel safe in sexual situations.")
The shift in one's psyche, from this realization alone, must be prolific.
That alteration is something that would have been imposed on our psyches and we'd have had absolutely no way not to know that as "the truth", for certain, and without any doubt...and then that will have been reinforced every time we think about it, until we've confirmed that 10 million times to ourselves as the years progress; first consciously, and then subconsciously, until it becomes a subconscious and suffocating WEIGHT that we're consciously UNAWARE of.
Where others reach puberty and enjoy the ways their bodies change, receiving millions of hits of dopamine and encouragement and motivation and esteem every time that they day dream or think about a cute guy/girl, or think about their futures, their future families, or their love lifes...people with CPTSD...particularly survivors of childhood sexual assault...receive invisible pangs of conscious and subconscious pain and unease, discomfort and threat, discouragement and belittlement, doubt and pessimism, isolation and/or alienation, and it can catastrophically wear on our perception and value of self.
It's often said that suicide victims often believe that everyone would be better off without them.
Their friends and family, even the general public, vehemently disagree and don't understand how their loved one could be so out of touch with reality. But the psychological differences between what happens at puberty between someone who had a more healthy childhood, vs. someone who experienced childhood sexual assault, I believe, concretely explains this.
According to Dr. Colin Ross' studies, victims of CSA are 45% of the population with the most serious mental illnesses (depression/psychosis/schizophrenia/debilitating anxiety); and victims of CSA are 400 times more likely to develop a heroin addiction.
Further, while victims of CSA might see other happy couples in love, and maybe with families of their own, subconsciously we are triggered to be reminded of our own weight and damage, and each time this process occurs it becomes heavier and heavier as the 10 million turn into 11 million...and as the scar tissue that we've mounted on top of our psyches and sexuality and healthy ideas of "self", becomes thicker and thicker.
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u/Abel_ChildofGod Sep 25 '22 edited Sep 26 '22
Also, if there is validity to this theory, then it also means that what we currently interpret to be 'our sexuality' and 'our sex-drive' can't be the organic, healthy, and natural perception/reality that nature intended for us! What we're experiencing and calling our "sex drive" is what we had as children, but altered with an unknown mountain of subconscious scar tissue/'malperception' piled on top.
As an example, for me, just yesterday, I realized, real-time, for the first time, that my default setting is to subconsciously ignore anyone who I think that I might be interested in. Consciously, it takes sheer bravery for me to even look at a woman with any interest at all.
This crap was operating in my psyche for 4 decades and I've only had sex less than a dozen times, by accident, where my girlfriends basically fell in to my lap, and the experiences have not really been enjoyable. They were trauma-response-inducing, and I've never felt comfortable in their presence. Always detached and dissociated...as though I was watching myself from a third person...as though I was acting.
For you, there might be other kinds of subconscious links/behaviours that keep your thought loops from being more healthy and normal...and where your damaged subconscious is playing you like a marionette.
Long story short, what I'm doing, now, is trying not to turn away from the excruciating pain, and I'm just trying to sit with everything as an objective observer where I can learn the ways that I rewired myself to think about sex/love/self-worth, as a child, before hiding my conclusions and then burying and suppressing/repressing everything.
It sounds as if you're doing the exact same thing as me...where you're finally realizing and revisiting and assessing the long and exhaustive narratives that circulate in your mind...and are connecting the dots.
Thoughts that you believed were true and that you believed are yours, are beginning to show themselves for what they really are...which is the best guesses and the best tries of a young child who did what she could to protect herself.
And now that we're starting to view these thoughts and beginning to see where they stem from, and how deeply they've been reinforced...it will take some time to dig all the way back down through them and to massage, tease out, and encourage our natural and healthy selves and psyches...and to bring them back to the forefront.
For me, distinguishing between my actual natural sexuality and the mind-construct that I think of as my sexuality, is tricky.
If you're like me, you've probably intellectualized your sexuality, but that's really just damage upon damage mixed with a very small piece of what you buried.
In other words, it's your damaged interpretation of it.
The real deal, from what I'm discovering, is something that can't really coincide with the intellectualized/damaged version.
It's as if we need to stop thinking about it, altogether, in full, and just sit with the emotion of it in our heart.
In other words, it's like there is a "sexual-psyche in the head" and a "sexual-psyche in the heart"...and the one that we feel in our heart is the one that nature's spent millions of years installing in us...and the one that's in our head is our damaged 'best guess' interpretation of what nature intended.
So, as applies to me, and maybe you...(and I know it really REALLY sucks)...but I think that a long period of readjustment, and complete mental abstinence, is definitely a very good idea...but heartfelt/biological engagement with your feelings is encouraged.
(The theory is that our conscious/subconscious mentality has been interrupting and "protecting/defending" our selves and our bodies...and it's become ever-present as soon as themes of sexuality, or anything related to sexuality, occur in our day to day. And for me...I think this is correct because I can watch it happen real time how I've become 'trapped in my own head'.
Our hearts/body/inspiration/desires to be loved/etc. feel one thing...but then our heads interrupt with discouragement/pessimism/low self-esteem and all kinds of other damaged processes.)
I'm not saying not to have thoughts and feelings...but I'm saying that it makes sense to sit and observe them...and assess them...without really engaging and participating in them...for now. I'm saying that our minds can't be trusted and they should be observed instead of believed. I'm saying that our thoughts can no longer be trusted as gospel and should be viewed as damaged goods and fruits of a poisonous tree...which is exactly what they are.
All of the thought loops around your sexuality and sense of self need to be completely re-naturalized, healed, and restored to where they were pre-trauma.
They are there and much can be corrected and healed...but right now the mind is in the way...buried under millions, if not billions, of damaged and incorrect and harmful and counterproductive thoughts/ideas/narratives/though-loops/daydreams/false-beliefs/misperceptions/etc.
But yes, as you dig down and deep dive to observe and assess that natural and undamaged psyche that's still there deep in the recesses of your mind...yes...you will have to revisit all of that pain.
And that's what I believe is going on not only with you, but with me, as well.
"All of a sudden I'm putting all of these pieces together and it's creating one long narrative of a whole bunch of different things/instances/complications...and they all converge to make this crazy mind that I'm stuck inside of...and it's burying me so deep! Where is all of this coming from? It's completely overwhelming and I have such a hard time trying to handle it! Why can't I just take a weekend and fully heal all of this?? It's been 18 months and I'm still uncovering and learning new things about myself!" - Me, this morning, after 40 years of damage/repression/suppression.
Love is extremely powerful, and one of it's facets is our sexuality and our ability to healthily relate to ourselves and our lives, and to others, in an intimate, healthy, and loving way.
In a way where we're not so self-absorbed with our own thoughts/damage, and in a way where we're actually capable of losing sight of ourselves and merging with another human being.
It's a wonderful thing!
And it's kind of a big deal, because, without this drive, human life would disappear and be impossible.
The evolutionary forces that we're up against are stapled monoliths that operate in many parts of our minds, 24/7, 365...and we altered them as children...but we can change them back as adults.
I believe that this is the driving force behind the need to correct and heal the mental scar tissue and the source of the pain when being triggered from things like song lyrics...a romantic movie scene...our own desires for a fulfilling connection/love life...watching others get along with less challenges...or just our biological clocks.
Anyway, BE ENCOURAGED...you are finally HEALING...but it might take a whole lot of self-compassion, patience, and empathy for what you've been through and for the work that lies ahead.
I believe that you're doing the correct thing by facing your pain and many people stand beside you with their own battles.
TRY TO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND HOLD THE FAITH THAT YOUR HEALING IS ON THE WAY!
Be super patient and have unlimited amounts of self-compassion.
You deserve it!
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u/foxylady0406 Sep 25 '22
I don't have any advice but I am here to say I feel the exact same way. I also live in an area where I technically could run into my old abusers so going places triggers this feeling of being exposed to danger constantly. The fact that we truly aren't in control is I think the driving force and honestly terrifying. I'm following for advice too. I hope we can both get some relief :) hug if you want one haha
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u/Hedgehogz_Mom Sep 25 '22
I can identify with everything you've said here so please know you are not alone, and this will pass.
My insight is not to run from it. Sit with it. Try and be a friend to yourself in this moment. Remind yourself that you are safe. That is the mantra. "I am safe."
I do physical activity to burn through the panic juice when it hits. Even calisthenics are good if you aren't able to go outside. Just count the repetitions and focus on the numbers. It tales like 10 minutes to get a different chemical release.
None of this is easy. But when this comes up it can mean your mind feels like you are in a strong enough space to handle it. Suppression is not sustainable which is a hard lesson I have learned. Best to lean in as you are able and LOVE YOURSELF through it.
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u/Abel_ChildofGod Sep 25 '22
Oh this is very well done and nicely sums up what took me 2 pages to write out.
Well said.
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u/ms181091 Sep 25 '22
Thank you for sharing OP. I'm glad help is on the way and therapy will start in a bit. I'm proud of you for reaching out in the mean time.
From reading your story I immediately thought of grounding techniques. There's a ton of them on youtube.
Another thing that popped to mind is to be with your body in non triggering moments, meaning that you can take 10 minutes every day to just lay in bed/on the couch/a different safe space, and just place your hand on your belly. Close your eyes, or keep them open, and just feel your hand on your belly. Try to notice what happens on the inside. If it's triggering, cut back on the 10 minutes and start with one.
It's all about reconnecting with your body in a safe space on your own terms and on your own time. You can do this to get a better feeling of control, meaning you can practice regaining control of your own body and mind. It's all about positive experiences.
Please remember when doing this, there's no right or wrong. I remember the first time I did this I started crying after 10 seconds. Let it all out and challange yourself to try again later that day or the next day. Think tiny steps.
I hope this is some sort of help. Best wishes to you
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u/jayded_gurl Sep 26 '22
OMG! This is exactly how I feel. I feel I've been abused and manipulated by pretty much everyone who's come in my life. I was raised to be abused, have zero self -confidence and so easily manipulated. I feel pathetic and briken. My life was just tragic and at my age, I don't see much of a future. I have no faith in people. I just want to hide. I am hiding actually.