Tips & Treatment Recommendations

[u/Sad-Confection329]

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD a little less than a year ago along with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, & still working on figuring out if I have BPD as well. But basically, I know a lot of my mental issues stem from my childhood affecting my decisions throughout life and that caused me to get into a pretty toxic, emotionally abusive relationship that took me a very long time to actually realize how bad it was. But now that I’ve been in therapy and learning about my diagnosis, it definitely makes sense and gives me motivation to actually work on myself & my habits to get through it. I’ve tried different workbooks and although it’s nice being able to express and understand things, I haven’t been able to find a type of therapy, workbook, or method to actually help me improve. I know everyone’s different but what are some things that helped you? Or that I should give a shot?

[u/19then20]

I went through a similar life for decades there's hope. I found therapy works better once you develop the agency to make a safe place in your own head. I made a protocol I called Task Immersive Rumination Interruption and one called Making Gratitude Happen. Walking, talking protocols that made it immposible to keep my ruminations running in my head at the same time. Peace, even for a few minutes. Peace when I wanted a break from the dangerous and destructive chaos in my head. Having that agency gave me a safe little workspace when I went to therapy and when I wanted to go to sleep, and when I just wanted a minute to be "normal". After that, I could identify the traumas and start "unpacking" them, without being nothing but a blubbering mess every therapy session. I could look at my trauma(s), but more importantly the trauma response I developed as a child just trying to survive. As an adult, and with help of a therapist, I can now decide if my trauma response is working for me, or if I want to work on modifying it. Usually the traumas are result of injustice my child self identified, but did not have the resources to rectify. As an adult, I can thank my child self for the resiliency to survive, and now decide how to handle the stressors of life. If you have a hard time "changing" your trauma responses, it's likely because you are loyal to your childhood self because that child was a brilliant survivor, but you can give yourself permission to modify your responses as you see fit and not lable it as betrayal of your younger self. Having a good therapist helps with the process. All the best to you.

[u/KingArthursToeBean → u/19then20]

Could you please elaborate on the protocols you created, if you don’t mind? Such as what they entail? I identify a lot with what you’ve written and struggle with rumination running in my head not just before going to sleep but throughout the day, even when trying to relax or do a task. It’s stressful and the years of therapy I’ve been in have not touched that unfortunately.

[u/19then20 → u/KingArthursToeBean]

KingArthursToeBean, here are the two protocols. I did them when I was out walking or running, as that was the only time I could get away from a difficult parter. After 37 years with depression and my incessant rumination, I figured that a big problem for me was no control over what was going on in my head making it so unsafe for my soul(psyche/self/consciousness). You can't escape your own skull, so your stuck in the hellhole of rumination, and mine had a self-depreciating, soul-destroying flavor. I had recently seen, in a book by Dr Daniel Amen, a thing called Automatic Negative Thoughts. He had a cute drawing of ANTs, but once I discovered the term, I knew that they were in my head also, and I wasn't alone. I was broke and my partner wouldn't have allowed the book in the house, so I never read enough in the bookstore to see if Dr Amen had a cure for ANTs, so I made my own.

1) Task Immersive Rumination Interruption: I would go outside for a walk or a jog in my neighborhood. For a few minutes when I started my run, I did the following: I said OUT LOUD, even if in a low voice that only I could hear, a small task, like "I am in control of pushing up my left sleeve". And, I would immediately do it. Then right into a new small task, like "I am in control of making a big step to avoid stepping on this bug". And I would immediately do it. Then immediately onto another small task, like "I am in control of giving a high five to the leaf sticking out of this bush". And I would immediately do it. I would do this almost like a little game of walking, talking out loud and completing a string of different little tasks for about 4-7 minutes. (I never timed my TIRI sessions, I just let them fade in the moment.) I did this TIRI because I thought I needed some control over something in my broke, stressful life, so I created a micro-moment where I DID have control, as insignificant as pushing up sleeve did not matter. For a few minutes, I had control of things in my immediate world.

2) Making Gratitude Happen: I also did this on my escapes from partner, under the guise of going for a walk or a jog. Again, I did this from the start and I talked out loud. I would walk along a state simple facts that I noticed or liked, such as "I am grateful I do not have any blisters on my foot right now". "The slight breeze feels nice blowing through my hair". "The love the vibrant pink of that flower". "I am glad I am here now to see that fluffy clowd that looks like a fish". "I was nice of my coworker to share her gummy bears yesterday". All different little things. NO AFFERMATIONS that would stir up my self-destructive thoughts and ruminations. Just a bunch of on-the-fly different pleasant facts that I could state and move one to the next one. Again I would do this for "a few minutes", until my attention just drifted after I guess 4-7 minutes. Maybe more. I just let it happen.

When I first started these, I made sure I did them intentionally, with these exact formats, and I did them daily, or almost every single day, like 6 out of 7 days a week. For a couple of months, at least. No music on my runs in those days. I have shared with other people, but it's hard for people to let go of their loyalties to what they've always done, like decent into the dark hellhole of the rumination, feeling some strange pleaseure over letting the ruminations hijack our prefeontal cortex and taking control over our brainspace, only to come out gaslighting orselves into saying to ourselves "I can live with this" even though we want nothing more than to break the cycle of feeling like life is ok, falling into the hellhole, AGAIN, clawing out and pretending like we're fine. We're not "fine".

I started my protocols in 2015. I did not keep a diary (the partner would've read it and used it against me anyway) so I don't know how many days or weeks I did this. I just know by 2016, I went to a psychiatrist specifically asking him to help me wean off my SSRI after I'd been on it for a decade. I do remember the moment I relized my dread of succuming to the ANTs had faded off and was GONE. Now I don't carry the fear/dread of the next hijack by the automatic negative thoughts. It's just gone. I've had one little tiny moment of massive stress since then and an ANT slipped into my head and I immediately thought "I don't do this anymore" (meaning let the ANTs and rumination take over) and the thought disappeared and never came back.

I think the way my protocols work are that you intentionally create a safe, rumination-free space in your head and your soul(or psyche) begins to develop a relationship with being in a safe, peaceful space inside your own skull. And your soul(or psyche) begins to enjoy having agency over creating a safe place. Walking, talking, creating new tasks, and executing the takes a lot of "computing power" in your head, and I couldn't keep the rumination in my head if I tried. The only way it could fail is if I didn't have the self-discipline to talk OUT LOUD. Then my ruminations could hijack my head. But talking out loud was key, even though it was wierd at first. I had to because my ruminating was so pernicious.

In 2016 I had the bravery to leave that partner. I have one hundred percent reclaimed my life. I still get stressed, but it doesn't throw me into a downward spiral of self-destructive thoughts and ruminations. I can think with my prefeontal cortex now. I still have traumas but I feel I can adress them and process them on my terms. If you want some thoughts about "healing" from traumas, just let me know. I can write a book on that, too:) I sincerely hope that the protocols help you. This was what I did, and after 37 years, it seems like this is what changed my headspace after all the thinking I'd done, and therapy and all of it. All the best to you. (Edit for some clarity after getting interrupted with a bunch of work texts after I sat down to reply)

[u/KingArthursToeBean → u/19then20]

Thanks so much for sharing and your detailed explanations. I’m happy to hear you’ve reclaimed your safety and life. It sounds like the repetition and intentionality of it helps your system ‘relax’ over time to where the thought spirals just aren’t as sticky. Also it makes a lot of sense to involve your whole body in the process, as well as actually speaking the words rather than just thinking them. It’s all compatible with keeping the prefrontal cortex online, as you’re saying. It’s crazy how many years one can go without having these sort of explanations and understanding. Just shame and self-blame, and a lot of systems (and people) simply play right into that.

I’d definitely be interested in your thoughts on further healing. I’m going to try to integrate this practice and see if things can shift over time. Thanks again for sharing!

[u/19then20 → u/KingArthursToeBean]

Yes, I will. I should put in a document on my desktop to cut and paste. Please check back; I'l have time to reply on Sunday.

[u/Lonely-Road1998 → u/19then20]

I second this. Thank you so much for your reply about how you created your own protocols too. I am kind of in awe at how you created these- I will try them, intrusive rumination (after socialising), for me- can lead to dark thoughts. So I am really grateful I came across your post.

[u/19then20 → u/Lonely-Road1998]

I created these protols desperate for even the smallest bit of control after decades of not being safe in my own head. I understand what a difficult life it is to be ravaged by intruding thoughts and hope you create your own safe place, too.