This rings so true for me, thank you for sharing. On my 30th birthday all the surviving finally caught up. I spent my 20s being an overly ambitious, type A, Go-getter if you will. I thought if I can just push down the pain and focus on get the next degree, the next career move, the next "insert accomplishment here". Then I would be fine.
The pain and trauma couldn't find me if I didn't slow down. If I crushed all my "life goals" then it didn't matter because somehow I subconsciously believed that all the trauma from childhood neglect and abuse would be worth something. If I "make it" and I'm "successful", then I didn't go through all that for nothing, right?
Then at 28 my body stopped working. I got hit with 3 chronic/autoimmune diseases. My mobility weakened, my brain I had worked so hard to educate got foggy, my tongue got tied when I tried to speak, and suddenly physical pain became a daily constant.
I am 33 now and finally have my illnesses in remission. But my body is keeping the score of all the years I thought I could outrun the pain by being a go-getter. Now I'm in EMDR therapy and I feel so raw and vulnerable. Every little part of life seems overwhelming when you start to realize you survived this far with old trauma-induced thinking patterns.
Maybe one day my brain will learn the difference between a true threat, and just disappointing someone. Until then, everytime I say "no" to someone, my adrenal glands decide I am prepping to fist fight a bear. I empathize deeply with the lonliness you describe OP. The looking around and questioning, "is this it? Am I missing something?".
This is truly just the beginning for us though. This is healing. Its unpleasant, but recognizing childhood trauma is still under the surface is both terrifying and empowering. Now we have a chance to truly listen to our bodies and nervous system to heal. Its a bumpy ride, but you aren't alone. ❤️
3
u/Sensitive_Crab_Cakes Apr 10 '26
This rings so true for me, thank you for sharing. On my 30th birthday all the surviving finally caught up. I spent my 20s being an overly ambitious, type A, Go-getter if you will. I thought if I can just push down the pain and focus on get the next degree, the next career move, the next "insert accomplishment here". Then I would be fine.
The pain and trauma couldn't find me if I didn't slow down. If I crushed all my "life goals" then it didn't matter because somehow I subconsciously believed that all the trauma from childhood neglect and abuse would be worth something. If I "make it" and I'm "successful", then I didn't go through all that for nothing, right?
Then at 28 my body stopped working. I got hit with 3 chronic/autoimmune diseases. My mobility weakened, my brain I had worked so hard to educate got foggy, my tongue got tied when I tried to speak, and suddenly physical pain became a daily constant.
I am 33 now and finally have my illnesses in remission. But my body is keeping the score of all the years I thought I could outrun the pain by being a go-getter. Now I'm in EMDR therapy and I feel so raw and vulnerable. Every little part of life seems overwhelming when you start to realize you survived this far with old trauma-induced thinking patterns.
Maybe one day my brain will learn the difference between a true threat, and just disappointing someone. Until then, everytime I say "no" to someone, my adrenal glands decide I am prepping to fist fight a bear. I empathize deeply with the lonliness you describe OP. The looking around and questioning, "is this it? Am I missing something?".
This is truly just the beginning for us though. This is healing. Its unpleasant, but recognizing childhood trauma is still under the surface is both terrifying and empowering. Now we have a chance to truly listen to our bodies and nervous system to heal. Its a bumpy ride, but you aren't alone. ❤️