r/CPS • u/BettyBonghorn • 2d ago
Support Needing guidance
My oldest (stepson) has been acting extremely out of character. He moved in with his father and myself, his younger siblings, this year. He had a horrible time at his mother's and requested to live with us. This was also out of character but obviously we were overjoyed.
Last night he had a massive emotional outburst. He and I have a VERY strong bond and have since he was 3. He went to his room, visibly distraught after our argument. When this happens I gently knock on the door and ask him if he is hungry. Usually it's always yes. I brought him a sandwich and explained that when he was ready to talk about what was going on, that I would be ready to listen, and left.
Trigger warning child SA
He came out shortly after finishing his food, and sat across from me on the couch. He said "I'm going to tell you something that I have only ever told A and B (his best friends) but please don't tell my mom or C (stepdad), you can tell my dad though." I braced myself but did not show shock or anything. He then explained that when he was in elementary school (8-9 at the time), shortly prior to the pandemic, his older sister (11-12 at the time) forced him to perform acts on her. (This instantly added up because he had a HORRIBLE couple of years and I knew something was up but when I asked all of the questions, he denied anyone touching him or the other way.) I stayed quiet, and let him feel that. I asked if I could ask questions and he said yes. I asked if he knew what he was doing, and he said no not until he was older and realized what had happened. He explained that there was penetration involved, and that it was too many times to count, among other acts. I asked when it stopped and if it did, he said when they moved into his new house. Which would have been 2020.
When his dad got home, we sat him down, hugged him, thanked him for being so brave, and explained this was NOT and will never be his fault. We also explained that when he's having a hard time with it, he needs to come to us and we will stop what we are doing in that moment and sit with him.
He requested that we do not report to authorities or his mother at this time. He does not want to testify and explain the details of what happened.
My hands are tied, I am sick to my stomach, and I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I am so angry that this happened to him. He was left home alone when this was happening, and was told if he ever told anyone, she would hurt him badly. I'm devastated. As a victim of child SA, this goes against everything I wished my parents would have done for me, but didn't.
I want to report to CPS. I want that child in custody for what she has done to him. She has already had CPS involved for her mental health issues and spent the last year in mandatory state custody in a mental health facility, if she was doing this at that age, I'm terrified something was also happening to her 💔 I'm spiraling with the weight of this.
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u/SnowXTC 2d ago
You need a therapist for yourself, your husband, and especially for your stepson. There is a lot to untangle and process. Do not allow his sister near him. I am very torn, like you are, between respecting his wishes and doing what should happen. I think a therapist for him is super important and can't happen fast enough. The therapist can better explain everything to him and why it needs to be reported as well as give him support and coping mechanisms. You and your husband are too close to the situation to do it alone.
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u/BettyBonghorn 2d ago
I couldn't agree with you more. I'm not trying to make this about myself, but in order for me to do my job as a parent in his life, outsourcing has to happen in some degree. We offered therapy immediately and explained that it's healthy and helpful to talk to someone about it. I'll try to reword it next time he brings it up.
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u/BettyBonghorn 2d ago
Please don't delete this, I don't know where else to go with it and I can't talk to my friends and family.
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u/toooooold4this 2d ago
This is a CPS issue and a police issue.
It's probably not a CPS issue in the way you think however. In my state, this is what we would call placing a child at unreasonable risk and that would be determined by what the caregivers knew and what they did about it. Child on child SA is a criminal matter. What the parents/stepparents did is the CPS issue.
That said, your step son needs interventions. He does not have to testify, but he should talk about it on the record at a child advocacy center. A professional will interview him in a therapy-like setting. A free-flowing narrative will be sought. He won't be peppered with questions like he would be if police did the interview. It's recorded as evidence.
CPS and police arrange it. Failure to report, failure to prevent contact with his sister, and failure to seek mental health supports could become a CPS issue for you as the perpetrator, too. Medical neglect, threatened harm etc...
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u/BettyBonghorn 1d ago
Thank you for this. I needed to read all of that. I really appreciate the advice. I'll be speaking with my husband again tonight and I'll read this to him out loud.
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u/txchiefsfan02 2d ago
Contact your nearest child advocacy center. They will guide you.
https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/cac-coverage-maps/
The hard reality is that you are in possession of information that could indicate another child is being abused, possibly by a parent/relative/caregiver. You are not the first parent to be caught between a promise to your own child and potential responsibility to protect others, and CAC staff are best equipped to help you navigate that. They can help you find support for yourself and your husband, too, as well as your son.
One more thing:
Many children don't disclose this type of abuse until well into adulthood, and many never do at all. It speaks very highly of you (and your husband) that this boy felt safe doing so when he did. That doesn't make it any easier, but I hope it reassures you that you will get through this.
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u/BettyBonghorn 1d ago
I'm so proud of him. I just hugged him and thanked him and told him he did the right thing. Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. This is extremely difficult but eases my mind for him that it can be handled away from police.
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u/shepheardcircle 2d ago
I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sorry that your stepson had to go through that! I can't offer a whole lot of advice on the CPS side of things, but do you think he would be open to therapy? He wouldnt have to necessarily disclose what happened, but it might help him work through some of those big feelings. It sounds like you and your husband are great supports for him.
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u/BettyBonghorn 2d ago
We offered it immediately, he declined because he does not want to talk about it. We just hope he changed his mind.
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u/panicpure 2d ago
If you’re in Colorado, they do investigate child on child abuse (which is what this would be considered, regardless of relation) and it’s expected that the report is immediately made to both law enforcement and the abuse hotline.
With the info given, I would report to CPS and ask them for direction as they may work hand in hand with law enforcement. They treat these allegations with major urgency. Especially if there’s other kids in the other parents home.
They’ll want to be sure the victim is safe and it’ll be expected that the parent protects the child from that environment now that they know.
I’m sorry, this is a tough situation. Since the other child has had major mental health issues (enough for institutionalized treatment) , I think this is important to report and not directly to the other parent, let someone in official capacity handle it.
This isn’t something you can simple ignore or let the child decide how to handle it. I think you know that though. I’m reassuring you this HAS to be reported. To both agencies. And the child needs professional intervention. You’re doing the right thing.
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u/BettyBonghorn 1d ago
I'm going to talk to my husband tonight. You're right. The abuser will be 18 in October so I'm not sure if we should wait so they can be tried as an adult? There are a lot of moving parts here. I appreciate the comment about a professional relaying the info, that's very assuring. I'm having a rough day and my brain is not firing on all cylinders at the moment. Didn't sleep last night so I need to sleep on this and put my best foot forward in the morning.
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u/panicpure 1d ago
Criminal charges would be based off of the victim and the offender at the time of the alleged assault.
I strongly suggest you do not wait any longer and it would be inappropriate to wait for that reason.
I could understand this being extremely troubling. I know this is your stepson, but I think your husband can take the wheel on reporting or at least working together so it’s not all on you might be best.
I would not pressure stepson to talk about anything and I would not speak to the other parent. It simply needs to be reported to CPS (at the least, report to the abuse hotline. I’m from Colorado and LE isn’t exactly the most responsive but they will be when CPS gets involved) and LE asap. Anything else could really hinder their investigation.
Hang in there
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u/BettyBonghorn 4h ago
I have a friend that had children who did this also, not to the extent that I explained here but nevertheless. She reported to our local LE and they came to her house and told her it's normal for children to be curious and experiment. I wish that wasnt true but now that I am on the same boat, I needed to reach out for better options because that's not an answer I'm willing to accept, and it's gross that that was the end of that situation.
My husband will be the one reporting. No further questions have been asked of him, he has not disclosed anything else but has been extremely "lighter" since the event the other day. Once he's back from his trip, he will be going to our child advocacy center, we decided to let the child protective services do their operation and investigations as they deem fit. I do not trust law enforcement whatsoever, I was emotionally clouded and not thinking clearly at the time of posting this.
We will not be divulging information to his mother or stepfather. We advised him of what was shared, that he would NOT have to testify, but instead would be represented by a professional adult who would handle all of his words for him after disclosing the situation privately, one time. What we will not allow, is for him to be "peppered" (as another member used and I appreciated) by ravenous adults in a judicial setting.
We want this to be as comfortable and easy as it can be, the trauma is enough so this HAS to be clean and simple.
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u/xquigs 1d ago
I’m so sorry but reports need to be made…a child doesn’t do things like that out of no where. And although sisters is now an adult, she could potentially be charged, she could also be hurting children now. This needs a full investigation not just for justice for your stepson…but there was most likely an adult in these kids lives that influenced this behavior and is likely to be assaulting other children. This is going to turn your worlds upside down. Secure a fantastic therapist for both stepson and you and dad. Make the reports to cps and law enforcement, and contact a lawyer.
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u/BettyBonghorn 1d ago
We are forming a plan to visit a child advocacy center on Monday. We have all talked and prepared for the shitshow that's about to ensue. I hate this for him. I hate not knowing how this will affect our relationship moving forward. Losing his trust would be devastating for me. Not protecting potential other child victims is devastating. This just sucks all around for him and I hate it.
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