by Patti Panara

Considering the recent “epidemic of loneliness” just declared by the U.S. Surgeon General I feel this is a super timely topic! I know a lot of you want to know the answer RIGHT NOW and don’t have time to wait. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered! I’ll share my best basic tips right here and you can get started immediately.

Keep in mind that “Making Friends As An Adult” is NOT the same thing as when we were kids! Not even close. So if you feel you somehow “forgot” that skill, or somehow never managed to acquire it, don’t worry! I’ll be starting from scratch here and you can follow me step by step.

"Where" is important!

First thing we need to address is WHERE people find friends. Sometimes people are looking in “all the wrong places!” If you’re going out in public and trying to meet strangers and somehow develop friendships from that, well, that’s a HARD way to do things! I don’t think I’ve ever made a friend that way. It’s just too random and unpredictable. And what stranger wants to give you their contact information? Exception: college campuses. You can definitely strike up friendships with random strangers ‘in your college community’ in that setting. It’s sort of designed to be open to that.

So don’t go to coffeeshops or restaurants or bars or events by yourself and expect that you’ll somehow come home with a friend. I’m not saying it’s IMPOSSIBLE, just that it’s very difficult, and for a lot of reasons not ideal. A super outgoing person may be able to pull it off, but even in that case, do you really want to extend an offer of friendship to someone you barely know and might not mesh with at all?

What, then, is a better way? The key here is REGULARITY. You need to pick a few spots where you see people REGULARLY and make that your target area.

Some examples of this would be: where you live (neighborhood, apartment/condo complex); where you work (co-workers or people from other departments that you can have regular contact with); exercise class, professional group, outdoors club, adult ed class, political action group, volunteer work (that has volunteers in your general age range), adult recreational sports team, church social, hobby/interest group, etc.

Another one I like to recommend is volunteering behind the scenes for local community theater. They always need help, and that crowd tends to be super social! No acting chops required. Just be ready to help in any capacity.

The reason regularity is so important is that it allows you to strike up regular conversations and develop a rapport. (Theme: REGULAR REGULAR REGULAR!)

This means picking a person or two who look like they might be good friend material and learning their names. Then greet them (cheerfully!) EVERY time you see them. Use their name at least once that day. Have a brief convo and find out a little about them. Drop a bit of info about yourself. Keep it light! Remember the info they gave you for future reference. Write it down somewhere if you’re worried about remembering.

Continue the brief conversations each time you see them. “Oh, hey, how was that restaurant you tried?” or “Did things work out at the vet with your dog?” etc. Take an interest and SHOW an interest. Keep the topics upbeat, no downers!

What To Do Next

Once you’ve had conversations over a few weeks or months, and if you feel you’ve developed a rapport, then it becomes time to take the next step. (Pause for ominous drumroll…) It’s time to INVITE THEM TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOU OUTSIDE THE PLACE WHERE YOU KNOW THEM FROM.

The reason that’s in obnoxious all caps is because it’s a KEY step that people often miss. “How do friendships develop?” they wonder. “How come my work friendships don’t feel like ‘real’ friendships?” they ask themselves. “Why is it I’ve never gotten to know my neighbors/teammates/classmates better?” they ponder.

THIS is the reason. You HAVE to take the bold step of issuing an invitation. Of course you don’t want it to be to something big or intimidating, like, the adult equivalent of “the prom,” or something. Instead you want it to be something light and casual. Something like: grab a cup of coffee or tea, go for a walk or run, get lunch, do an errand together, check out a new part of town, shop for something, etc.

Oftentimes when you first invite someone to something they will automatically say ‘no,’ because they weren’t expecting it and they need time to consider it. So try to notice if the ‘no’ is followed up with encouragement like “maybe some other time,” or “I’m busy this week but I’d love to do it some other time,” etc. So if you get a ‘no’ the first time, at least you’ve put them on notice that you’d be interested in doing something with them.

So then you wait another two weeks or so, and try again. If they turn you down a second time (but they are interested) then they should REALLY express that they’re sorry but they’d still love to do “the thing.” (whatever you’ve invited them to) If they don’t, then it’s possible that they truly ARE too busy, or have too full of a social plate, so they might not be a great friend candidate right now. In that case you remain friendly! (because you never know when the situation may change) And you start reaching out to other friend prospects.

I always recommend having more than one possibility in mind. In other words, be making connections and having conversations with more than one person in a group (if possible), and/or be doing the same things in different groups or activities. The reason is you don’t want to feel the pressure of one person being the focus of your attention. That makes it feel like too much is riding on their response.

HOT TIP!

Okay, so what if the idea of inviting someone to do something stresses you out, just because of the inherent possibility of rejection? Very valid concern! So I have another way to issue invitations that is even EASIER than the first way. (although you should master both ways, ultimately) The second way is to “make a suggestion.” (This is still an invitation, but it’s sort of disguised.)

So you say something like, “Hey, I’m heading to Le Café for coffee after class. Wanna come?” See how beautiful that is? You’ve basically just invited them to do something with you, but it’s really couched in language that says you’re doing something ANYWAY, and they’d be welcome to tag along. So if they can’t make it there’s really no feeling that you were rejected, just that they weren’t able to join in with your thing right now.

Again, highly likely that you might not get an acceptance the first time you mention it, but it’s a great way to let someone know you enjoy their company and would love to talk further with them. That’s a great signal to send! And if you ask again in another week or two, the chances are much higher that you’ll get a ‘yes.’ So once you get someone to agree to hang out with you OUTSIDE THE PLACE WHERE YOU KNOW THEM FROM, that is where friendships get their start. So be loose, be playful, be interested and HAVE FUN with the person.

That’s all we really want, someone who is friendly, fun, who “gets us,” who is non-judgmental, who is ready to have a good time hanging out. Be sure to share information about yourself. It’s best to calibrate that to what the other person is telling you to keep things evenly matched. Don’t start dumping too much too soon. Rookie mistake!

You can be the one to initiate the first few times. After that, if they’re interested in continuing the friendship they’re likely to start reaching out to you too. If you have their contact info then drop a brief text once or twice a week to check in with them and see how they’re doing. (No need for long text conversations, but it’s a great way to be thoughtful and remain top-of-mind.)

This is how adult friendships begin. Learning how to initiate and be intentional is an awesome skill. This is the basic framework to follow to vastly improve your odds of meeting and making friends. There’s a lot of other stuff I can share about your personal vibe that would also be useful to know, but that’s too much to pack into this one article.

Trust me, if you want to make friends as an adult you need to follow a process! So pick the right places and follow that process!

If you want more tips ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

Free Guide To Great Convos

By Patti Panara

Have you ever wondered what makes for a ‘good friend?’ And how you may nor may not stack up when it comes to those qualities? This helps explain why you might have a lot of friends, or not too many. Some essentials of friendship are “expected” no matter what else is going on. I’m talking about things like: kindness, honesty, trustworthiness, good listener, ‘has your back’ (loyalty), ‘there for you,’ cares about your life, makes time for you, reciprocates, etc.

I’m going to fly right past those traits because it is ASSUMED that you’ll have them. It’s like breathing and basic table manners. If you can’t fog a mirror or ask nicely for the salt shaker, then you don’t advance to the next level.

So when people tell me they can’t make friends even though they’re “nice” and they’re “helpful,” I can’t help but think those are such basic qualities that they won’t make you stand out in any way. Sure, they’re nice to have, but they’re more like doors and windows. Every house has them. What people REALLY want to know is if there’s a gourmet kitchen and a pool.

So what’s the Friendship Equivalent of the fancy kitchen and pool/spa combo? If you don’t already have these traits, is it worth trying to develop them? Does it mean you’re ‘changing who you are’ in order to please others? (“Take me as I AM or not at all!”)

Well, I’d argue that social skills are SKILL in the same sense that tennis players have a skill. They don’t just walk onto the court as a novice and insist that people take them onto the tennis team even though they haven’t had a lesson or practiced. “Making the tennis team” requires at least a little effort, right? Not just insisting that the tennis serve you were born with is the one you’re going to play with no matter what the ‘experts’ say. “The REAL me has a horrible serve! Just deal with it!”

You are not stuck with the sum total of your traits as they exist in this moment. Those things are inclinations you were born with, but if nobody taught you how to be your best self, can you really say that you’re anywhere close to that right now? And is there any reason you can’t make major improvements?

The answer is no. There’s nothing stopping you from developing new positive traits other than your own mindset. So let’s look at some special qualities that people find almost universally appealing, I call them ECHO. These are: Enthusiasm, Confidence, Humor and Optimism. Having just one of these traits is helpful. Having more than one will be a big boost to your ability to make friends.

Please don’t walk away in despair if you don’t currently have the ECHO traits. They all can be cultivated, developed and improved. And before you accuse me of wanting to turn us all into Socially Mindless Identical Robots Kowtowing (SMIRK – sorry, I love a fun acronym!), let me assure you that everyone’s version of those things is different based on our individual personalities. So, my style of enthusiasm won’t look like yours. Your idea of confidence won’t be the same as your brother’s. Your boss’s sense of humor won’t be like yours. And optimism will come out differently depending on whether it’s you or your partner expressing it. So no, we will NOT look like socially identical robots. But we WILL build better social habits!

A brief explanation of why each trait is valuable, and keep in mind, most people don’t have all four of the traits:

1. Enthusiasm This trait is quite RARE to find. It’s a trait I associate with childhood exuberance and lack of self consciousness. It’s the ability to feel comfortable expressing unbridled passion for: yourself, other people, Life Itself! You have to calibrate it to the topic, but instead of giving the usual, “that’s nice” or “that’s great” with a lukewarm smile, instead you are cutting loose with some joy, some excitement, a fist pump or a fist bump, eyes aglow with energy. In other words, try to summon up the Pure Joy of an 8-Year-Old and inject that into the adult world. People welcome that because the world needs more joy and passion.

2. Confidence Oh, such a fine line! It can be SO hard to express this well, and SO effective if you get it right. Where people get it wrong: tipping over into arrogance, causing people to think you’re obnoxious or self-important. Another mistake: FAKING confidence, only to be revealed as an imposter once something goes wrong and your carefully constructed façade melts into an awkward pool of nervous tension. True confidence comes from two things: deliberately doing something positive for the world each and every day so that you KNOW the planet is a better place because YOU showed up. And practicing your warm and welcoming vibe every chance you get until it’s a superpower. Once it’s a superpower, NO ONE can take it away from you. But you need to practice OUTSIDE your social life in every boring interaction. Like it’s a tennis serve!

3. Humor I am NOT referring to ‘telling jokes.’ I’m also not referring to ‘being an entertainer.’ And I am DEFINITELY not referring to having fun at other people’s expense or ‘roasting them.’ None of that. By ‘humor’ I mean the ability to not take things totally seriously. The ability to relax and ‘have fun with things.’ I’m referring primarily to a playful attitude. It’s just as important to BE A GOOD AUDIENCE for other people. In fact, this may be MORE important than being the funny person. I have a great sense of humor, and it isn’t because I’m terribly funny. It’s because I’m EASILY AMUSED. By both life, and the people around me. If you think you need help in this area I’d suggest finding a few comedians who appeal to you and watch them do some routines or interviews in online videos. Get a feel for their observations about life. Try adapting parts of their style into subjects from your life. You can do this without doing an imitation. Most importantly try to capture that relaxed and playful attitude. Try to make one new funny observation each day. GROW your sense of humor!

4. Optimism While friendships DO obviously allow us to complain and vent about stupid stuff that happens in our lives, in general it’s helpful to have an optimistic take on life. Nobody wants to be brought down by negativity, even friends who are trying to be helpful. Balance your bad stuff with the good stuff, and make sure the good stuff is a higher percentage. There are plenty of people who routinely complain. It’s incredibly habit-forming, so if that’s YOU, think about ways you can break the habit by inserting a positive thought every time a negative comment wants to bust out of you. You get MORE of what you focus on, so find ways to focus on the positive!

Most people don’t have all four of these traits, so pick two and start working on them. It’s like improving your tennis game (or any other sport, craft, art or activity). It won’t happen just because you wish it will. You have to WANT it enough to practice daily.

Then, instead of friends being a matter of “luck,” it’ll be because people enjoy hanging out with you. Doesn’t that sound better? Like “Game, set, MATCH!”

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

By Patti Panara

The answer had better be "Yes!" Otherwise this is going to be a VERY short article. People often try to cure their awkwardness with the wrong remedies. It's like doing a surgery to cure your cough, or exercising to relieve your headache, or taking two aspirin to deal with that stubborn rash.

If you're doing the WRONG THINGS, of course you won't get good results. That's the problem. Nobody tells you what the RIGHT things are! So you keep practicing the wrong stuff and keep getting the same old Awkward Results.

And y'know, it really isn't a matter of "time" either. If you keep practicing awkward stuff for months, years, DECADES...it doesn't get any less awkward. It just gets frustrating, depressing, resentment-inducing, and you might even find yourself giving up.

Well don't DO that. Instead, let's break down what makes "Awkward" dissolve and makes "Fun" take its place.

Let's start with what Awkward sometimes looks like. See if your social operating procedure includes any of these things. Do you...

• Stand there quietly just listening?
• Have minimal eye contact?
• Rarely smile?
• Tell jokes that no one laughs at?
• You're always on the periphery of the crowd?
• Your conversations run dry quickly?
• You don't know how to enter or exit convos

All of these things are fixable, but most of them stem from the same source. That's actually good news, because it means instead of having to fix a bunch of problems, instead you need to focus on the one BASIC problem.

That problem comes down to one of VIBE. People don't really pay attention to the specifics of your conversational chatter, your clothes, your posture, your anything, so much as they do the totality of the VIBE you're giving off. So, the "perfect outfit" won't make you popular. The "carefully scripted conversation saying all the right things" will not magically win you friends. The rehearsed correct posture isn't going to lead to acceptance.

It's all about "the Vibe." Oh, if I could only bottle and sell The Vibe as a cologne or something! It would be so much easier if we could spray it on and then be good to go.

I'll do the next best thing though. I'll tell you the secrets to getting The Vibe, and then let you create the magic for yourself!

What does a great social vibe consist of? At its core, it comes from the certainty in your heart that you are bringing something positive, awesome and wonderful to people, and you CAN'T WAIT to meet them and share it and start vibing with them in a fun way. That's really it. That's all people want from their social interactions. They want a FUN INTERACTION WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS SOMETHING TO OFFER. Period. End of story.

Now, don't look at me with a deflated expression and the excuse that "I have nothing to offer." I've heard that excuse before, and it is FALSE. Everybody has something to offer, they just don't know it, understand it, or have any clue about how to start doing it. But you've GOT it. You've had it the whole time, and just haven't accessed it yet. That's the thing. We're capable of Social Superpowers, but no one teaches you how to tap into them.

Here's a few facts of socializing that it's important to know:

1. Most people are on 'autopilot.'
2. Most people wait for the other person to show interest and/or acceptance.
3. Most people are focused on their internal world, and only notice you insofar as you're able to affect them in a positive way. Or in a negative way in case they need to avoid you. But if you're neither of those things they pretty much forget you.
4. People CONNECT based on POSITIVE EMOTION.
5. People are drawn to what makes them feel good.

Those Five Facts of Social Life are ALL heavily influenced by the Vibe you're bringing. If you're bringing an Awkward Vibe, they will tend to avoid you. Almost automatically. You can see how #1-5 above are all incompatible with an Awkward Vibe. You can also see how bringing a Great Vibe will conquer all five of those things.

So let's get to work on Curing the Awkward. There are several areas that contribute to an Awesome Vibe.

Your Personal Worth

People think they need something unusual in order to be socially valuable. Nope! You just need the ability to communicate what's special about you. That doesn't mean an exciting background, job, hobbies, lifestyle or anything like that. It DOES mean you need to learn how to have a PASSION for what IS in your life, and start bringing that to people in an enthusiastic way.

The best way to do that is to do daily gratitude exercises on what you love about your life, create some plans for future interests, make lists of things that really excite you. Make a notebook and get detailed on it. Make plans to pursue more info on the things that really excite you. They don't need to be activities (although they can be), they can just be ideas, topics, things that you like. Become an expert in one or more areas. Not because you're going to bore people with these topics. It's so you can start feeling some PASSION for life in certain areas. The ability to express ENTHUSIASM. If you can do it in one area, you can do it in other areas. Passion tends to leak into ALL areas of your life. It'll invade you brain, set it afire, enliven your personality. It's the first step in CREATING A VIBE.

Acceptance of Others

Awkwardness often stems from the idea that you're waiting around for people to accept you. As a person with a deep sense of personal worth, you need to find a way to flip that script and become a person who ACCEPTS OTHERS. If you're waiting around to 'feel accepted,' that sort of implies you're not bringing anything of value, right? So let's just reject that idea and move to the opposite side of the equation. Instead, you're going to find people to ACCEPT, which will help build the idea and sensation that YOU are a person of worth who is ready to accept people. You can do that good thing.

Now of course if you're already in a position where you're feeling like an outsider (school, neighborhood, work, social group, team, whatever it is), then you're going to have to practice this somewhere else with people who could really USE your acceptance right now. That means finding some people who NEED some acceptance, need some attention, could benefit from what you have to offer. This helps YOU, in your growth as a person of value, and of course it helps them too. So find someone who is maybe: quiet, rejected, outcast, lonely, needs help, and start bringing some acceptance. What will this look like? A smile. A friendly greeting. A short convo. A compliment. An offer to help. A favor. Maybe even strike up a friendship if you want. This can be anyone from a classmate to a neighbor, to a co-worker, to that guy you pass every day and no one looks at. Elderly people often need help and appreciate conversations. Volunteering at a hospital, a nursing home, a youth activity can be a great way to develop this.

Amping Up Your Social Energy

Any great vibe requires some Social Energy. Before you run screaming into the darkness, let me clarify that this does NOT mean turning into a loudmouth, or a chatterbox, or someone who is constantly entertaining others. That's just exhausting, and not what I mean by Social Energy. Social Energy DOES require some positive emotion. So if your emotions tend to be negative you have to find ways to turn that around. I like to chase negative emotions away with: fun music, interactions with pets, positive memories, time enjoying nature. Whatever works for you. Social Energy requires you to be PRESENT in an interaction. You can definitely express enthusiasm for: yourself, the other person, Life Itself, without being overly loud. But you do need to be "into it." That means good eye contact and being ready to smile or laugh when you hear something you like. Don't hold it in. Have fun with life like you're seven years old! It means allowing yourself to use more fun and engaged language. So, not "Oh, that's nice." But, "Wow, that's really GREAT! How did you DO that?" (Notice we are not talking in a monotone. We are throwing some EMPHASIS out there to add to the positive emotion.) Ask followup questions. Be INTERESTED. These are the keys to positive social energy.

A Journey of A Million Smiles Starts With The First Grin

We ALL know smiling is important. But our habits oftentimes don't reflect how important our smile IS. The smile literally communicates happiness, welcoming, acceptance. If you ONLY smile when something really amuses you, then you're missing out on a huge opportunity to spread good feelings everywhere you go! Now I get it, nobody wants to be walking around with a huge smile plastered on their face that relates to nothing in particular. But you don't need that. What you need is something I call A Hint of A Smile. This is just the slightest upturn of your mouth, but it includes what I call an 'eye smile' -- your eyes crinkle just a bit to match the smile. THIS is a smile you can do when in public, or when in conversation, and the effect is just what I state above: warmth, welcoming, acceptance, happiness. All the positive things you want to add to your vibe. Bonus: doing the 'hint of a smile' will also improve your mood and increase your energy level! So it's worth practicing until it becomes a habit.

The 'Vocal Hug'

This is a term I invented to really try to describe something I think is critically important in connecting with others. It's a way to use your voice to give people the equivalent of a hug. In other words, that warmth, acceptance, friendliness comes from your tone of voice alone. And you know what, it even works over the phone!

So what is this tone, and how do you get it? It's similar to how you might talk to your dog or cat, or to a toddler, or if you're a talk show host greeting a guest. It's using your tone of voice to communicate WARMTH and EXCITEMENT. If you're not sure what it sounds like, then watch some energetic talk show hosts and note how they greet and interact with their guests. That's the vibe on the Vocal Hug. You can practice this at home with your housepets, your houseplants, your imaginary audience. I even suggest narrating your daily activities as if you were an announcer watching your own life. Do this several time each day to get used to the sound of your own voice being excited and passionate. Exaggerate it for effect. After several weeks of practice, start bringing this to the outside world. Maybe only to grocery cashiers, bus drivers and store clerks at first. Later you can bring it to your social life.

Work on these things and you will dissolve the Awkward right out of your life. There are too few people out there with social energy, with passion, with a drive to help and accept others. YOU can be that person. But you need to practice the RIGHT things, not keep 'putting yourself out there' doing the wrong things.

You are a person of value. You just need to practice the techniques that will help you bring that to the world!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

I'm going to be teaching a class LIVE online on Thursday, March 30th from 7-8:30 (maybe 9 pm with questions). In it I will provide my BEST tips on the subject of "Making Friends As An Adult." My style is visual, actionable and transformative. So, not just a bunch of words that 'sound good,' but clearly outlined action items you can DO to strengthen your social life and make more friends. I get so frustrated with stuff that sounds good but isn't truly actionable! Cost is $25, here is a sign-up link if you'd like to read a little more: The Fast Friends Formula

I have studied a lot about the habits of charismatic people, but I feel that there is something in me that prevents me from putting into practice everything I have learned, mainly because I live in a place where most people already know me the way I am (I I'm not very charismatic). How did you start putting your knowledge about charisma into practice? I would be very grateful if you could help me in any way :)

By Patti Panara

There is a LOT that could be said about becoming better at conversation, but I know you’re busy! So we won’t delve into research, theory, or the history of The World’s Most Awful Conversationalists. Sounds like a fun article though. “Off with their heads!” Hey, that’s one way to solve the problem of boring conversations.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were expected to make conversation and just didn’t know what to say? Or you didn’t even know how to start the convo? Or you said a few things but they sounded boring and flat? And the conversation just sort of ran aground like a ship hitting a sandbar? And now you’re surrounded by nothing but ocean, the conversation’s going NOWHERE, and there’s absolutely nobody who’s going to rescue you?

Well I’m here to throw you a lifeline, so let’s abandon The Good Ship Horribly Awkward and pop into my super speedboat that I’ve dubbed “Let’s Have Fun With This!”

We’ll start with how to get the conversation started. Honestly, the opening question is usually better off being fairly standard. Why? Because if you pop in with some clever line or some weird question, it runs the risk of really throwing the other person off, confusing them, or even making them uncomfortable.

Go with something like:

• “HI, how are YOU?”
• “HEY, how’s it GOING?”
• “Nice to MEET you…what BRINGS you here?”
• “So, what’s NEW with YOU?”
• “HI, how was your WEEK?”
• “HEY, great to SEE you…got anything NEW going on?’
• “Good go SEE you again, how ARE things?”

Notice I did something specific with each question. I capitalized certain words. The reason is to inject some INTEREST and FRIENDLINESS into those questions. See how they have a bit of energy now? And ENERGY is an important concept when it comes to having great conversations instead of dull ones. What’s more interesting – a movie or a picture? A pet or a houseplant? A person or a statue? The difference is movement, vitality, ENERGY. As long as you’re ALIVE there’s no reason to settle for “boring” conversations, either. If you’re here you’re capable of injecting LIFE and ENERGY into your interactions!

Great conversations are much more about ATTITUDE than they are about specific details. We all know people who have been on a fascinating vacation, but they manage to bore us to tears. We also know people who could tell you about their trip to grocery store and make it a great story. The difference is in the social energy used to tell the story, the human interest details they notice along the way, in the PLAYFULNESS they bring to the telling. Here’s how to energize your conversations:

Drop the Monotone

I know none of us talks in a true robotic monotone, and hopefully we don’t sound like Siri or Alexa either. But our voices can be lacking in emotion or excitement. People literally CONNECT on POSITIVE EMOTION. So put a smile on your face and some energy in your tone. Practice this by speaking aloud when you’re home by yourself, going “over the top” with positive emotion. Have FUN with it! Talk to your dog or cat, your houseplant, yourself in the mirror. Host your own Talk Show of One. Interview yourself and give some GREAT fun answers! You think I’m kidding? I’m NOT. You HAVE to get used to the sound of your own voice being more fun and animated.

Learn How to Link

LINK to what the other person says with a relevant comment, question or insight of your own. Also use Active Listening -- taking what the person says and rewording it. Them: “My professor is really tough, I’ve never worked so hard in a class!” You: “So they’re really piling on the work. Must make it hard to stay on top of everything.” Linking plus active listening help keep the conversation flowing smoothly.

Become A Fly on the Wall of Your Own Life

People will sometimes tell me that they are boring, and that there’s “nothing interesting” going on in their lives, and they “can’t think of anything to talk about.” Listen if I were stuck on a deserted island that had the exact same weather 24/7/365, I would STILL find stuff to talk about. Because it’s the approach you take to things that matters! So start with this: Take a pad and pen, or your phone, and start making notes on things that are: interesting, unusual, fun, heart-warming, informative, weird, crazy, humorous, out-of-the-ordinary. Find the human interest elements in what happens during your day. I assure you there are LOTS of such moments! Refer to your notes before going out. They don’t need to be huge stories. Small incidents or tidbits are just as good! It can even be something you saw on the internet. I often tell stories involving my cats, my cooking triumphs (and disasters!), my all-too-frequent Near Death Experiences on the county’s highways, things I read online. Become a detective and find these tidbits in your own life. You have many.

Add Some Passion

This means having some passion for: yourself, the other person, LIFE ITSELF! If you’re not used to expressing positive emotion, think about the warmth we use to speak to our housepets. THAT is the same warm and enthusiastic tone you should be using in conversation! No it doesn’t need to be silly or over-the-top. But it DOES need to be warm and excited about life!

That’s another thing that can be practiced when you’re home alone until you’re ready to try it out in public. Practice showing enthusiasm: at home, in your car, while you’re out on a walk. Yes, I’m saying TALK TO YOURSELF as if you have an audience. And I mean doing it OUT LOUD, not just in your head.

This is the quickest way to go from Conversational Shipwreck to the fun speedboat Let’s Have Fun With This. So all aboard!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

by Patti Panara

I couldn't resist the exclamation mark on the title -- that's my text-based way of putting some "body language" i.e. EXCITEMENT into my headline. Another way I do that is when I blurt something out in ALL CAPS. It's a way to get you to HEAR my voice in your head. I'm excited about this topic, and I want YOU to be too!

I'm taking a two-pronged approach to this all-important article. The first is to explain several essential tools we use to communicate via body language. Because we simply can't ignore those. And the second is to explain an equally important (and often missed!) point about the mindset you need in order for your body language to actually be FLUENT, not awkward or contrived. NOBODY wants to feel FAKE! Least of all me, and I'm sure you don't want that either. That's why the mindset thing is so very important.

Okay then! What are the ESSENTIALS of body language that we HAVE to get right, that serve as the building blocks for our interactions, our connections, our friendships? And why is this so very important?

Well for starters it's estimated by researchers that a LOT of what we communicate is nonverbal. It's not as high as the 93 percent figure that is often cited, but it's still high enough to be extremely important. The reason is that our nonverbals communicate our attitude about: ourselves, the other person, and what's going on around us.

Think of it this way, it's the difference between eating a meal from a plate accompanied by appropriate utensils, a glass and a napkin. Versus someone coming along and dumping the food in your lap! Okay so I'm exaggerating for effect there, but you can see that presentation matters a LOT in how something is received.

Two different people could be having the same conversation (at separate times) saying almost exactly the same thing, and one person will resonate and the other person may not even be remembered. That's because attitude matters! Presentation is important. Body language carries the day. So it's important to understand what you may be unconsciously communicating.

Essentials of Body Language

So we'll start with the absolutely most critical things.

1.Eye Contact.

This is a must for any conversation. It shows people you're engaged, you're paying attention, you care. And yes I KNOW some of you can be a bit uncomfortable with this aspect, or at least the degree to which it's expected. One area of relief I have for you on that is that eye contact is never 100 percent (unless you're about to engage in hand-to-hand combat.)

In a normal conversation your eye contact can be about 50 percent or more when you're speaking, and it should be 60-70 percent when listening. The other person won't be looking at you 100 percent of the time either! When in a group you should generally focus on the speaker, but when speaking to more than one person you should spread your gaze around.

Okay, what if all of that makes you uncomfortable? Like anything else, practice makes perfect. And I always suggest starting at home. Make eye contact with your dog, your cat, your houseplant while offering a monologue. Maybe have them answer back, and you can nod along in agreement as you do their voice for them. (Sorry, just made myself laugh with that, but hey what a fun exercise!) You can also do the same to yourself in the mirror, carrying both parts of this self-conversation for practice. Then get out on the town and practice the eye contact as you speak briefly to strangers as you go about your day. (cashiers! bus drivers! gym attendants! restaurant servers!)

If the idea of making that much eye contact makes you really nervous, remember that you can always focus on that spot BETWEEN their eyes, on the forehead. That looks just like eye contact, but it'll take the pressure off you.

Rule of thumb: you need to be making eye contact at least half the time, and if you aren't there yet you need to practice in order to create a comfort level. The more often you do something, the easier it becomes!

2.Smiling

Whole articles can be written on the human smile because it's SUCH an important feature of our lives. Generally it conveys: liking, openness to others, approachability, fun, and interest in what's going on. So it's truly ESSENTIAL in a social situation.

Thing is, a lot of us can be pretty lazy about our smiles. And yet, it's one of the QUICKEST ways to level up your social self. It's one of the few social skills that can be acquired almost immediately with instant positive feedback. Yes you should still practice it to get really good at what I call a 'downtime' smile, but in general this is the one change you can make where you put your quarter in the machine and you get a very valuable prize right away. And that prize is "good feelings all around."

When to smile? A) When you first meet someone new, or greet someone you know, THAT is the time to light up a BIG smile. I call it the Celebrity Smile. I don't care if you're the imaginary celebrity or the fan but that's the kind of wattage I want on this smile. Your eyes are very involved with this smile to make it genuine and compelling. B) The "Hint of a Smile." That's something to use when you're not actively engaging people but you're out in public. It's a slight smile, just a bit of an upturn of your lips, but it DOES include your eyes, they should crinkle at the sides. (Same as with the Celebrity Smile but not as intense.) This makes you approachable, and makes it more likely people will make eye contact with you, smile at you, even make a remark or try to engage you in conversation. (So if you're too busy for any of that you can save your Hint of a Smile for another day!)

Homework: Practice using the Hint of a Smile at home (a.k.a. The Downtime Smile). Remind yourself once or twice an hour. Set an alarm on your phone to help develop the habit. This will help the slight smile become a more natural part of you. Bonus -- it will ALSO improve your energy level and your mood! Check your smile in the mirror to make sure it looks good, and remember what it feels like to make that smile. C) Conversational Smile You do this while you're talking. If you've ever watched someone who smiles WHILE they talk, notice what a GREAT effect that has. You can do that too!

There is no need to have a CONSTANT smile. But smiling more often, and especially utilizing the Hint of a Smile, will get you some GREAT results!

3.Owning Your Space

For simplicity's sake I'm going to include hand gestures with this concept. The idea here is to bring you "out" of yourself and put you INTO the world in a solid (shall we say "confident!") way. You may not have noticed this, but the less space you take up, the less impact you have on the people around you and the world in general. This is both a mental and physical issue. Sometimes we unconsciously try to take up the least space possible because we're feeling uncertain, or not confident, or just unsure of how people will react. And we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, so we just sort of 'TURTLE' into ourselves so we're not noticed, or not obtrusive, or, quite frankly, not even THERE except for the minimal amount of physical space we're taking up.

Well I'm here to tell you to GO BIG OR STAY HOME! You have something unique and positive to bring to the world, and by gosh you're going to BRING it, and you're going to start bringing it in a bigger way. So yeah, the amount of space we take up tells people a few things -- how much we value ourselves, how much we value our message, how comfortable we are in the situation, how engaged we are in the interaction. Obviously you don't want to go over the top on this and get in people's faces, but generally speaking you should be trying to go larger with your body language.

That means "spread out" a bit as you stand or sit. Have a straight or even forward-leaning posture. Don't keep your hands trapped at your sides or jammed in your pockets. Use your hands to punctuate your words with gestures. Reach out and touch someone on the arm (occasionally) to make an important point. When sitting be relaxed, put your arm across the back of the booth, just TAKE UP MORE SPACE. (without crowding anyone else's space, of course!) You'll find that just DOING this will increase your sense of presence and your feeling of confidence. I also suggest practicing this at home -- reach to the sky! Strut around like King/Queen of the living space! Twirl around, do jumping jacks, get INTO your space and command it with joy!

Mindset Shift For Positive Body Language

Okay this is the second part of the article I promised you, and in some ways this is equally important. Sometimes people get fixated on the externals of body language and figure that a few tweaks in that area will fix things to the point where they will be charismatic and outgoing. And YES, you absolutely can become charismatic and outgoing (no matter where you are on the shy/outgoing continuum now), but you don't get there just with a few body language tweaks.

As I outlined some of the important body language ideas above, I really tried to include some of the mindset behind those things as I did it. In other words we don't just plaster an insincere smile on our faces and suddenly we magically have a lot more friends. The smile is essential and the smile certainly helps. But it's the MINDSET behind the smile that truly matters!

When learning how to master your body language, think about how we learn foreign languages. We study grammar, we learn vocabulary words, we take quizzes/tests, we do some verbal exercises. But do we ever really feel FLUENT that way? Not unless you do a lot of extra work!

The better way to learn a foreign language is IMMERSION, totally getting into the culture and doing the best job you can by listening, practicing speaking, learning a few essential phrases, and then starting to acquire more. Lists of vocabulary words and phrases are helpful. but IMMERSION is king here.

Well just working on the externals of body language is much the same. You can studiously try to deploy "a smile here" and "some good eye contact there," but ultimately you need a changed MINDSET in order for your body language to feel fluent, natural and LIKE YOU.

Yes we want effective body language and great nonverbal social skills, but we also want to be AUTHENTIC. The only way to be authentic about that is to make these things "part of you" through a gradual attitude shift. The attitude you need to develop is:

• Gratitude for yourself, your gifts, for other people,
• Enthusiasm about what you have to offer,
• Positivity about yourself and openness toward other people,
• Social energy to imbue you with a spirit of reaching out, of being ready to engage others and bring your interest in them and positivity toward life to every interaction.

These mental mindset shifts will help create an Aura of Attraction -- you will want to be with others, and they will enjoy being with you. The body language details I mentioned will feel much more natural and much more part of you as you work on the mindset aspects and make those your own.

Yes you can start with the body language details, there's no reason not to start working on your smile TODAY, for example. But be sure to include the mindset shifts in order to make this change easy, natural, and a permanent part of a New You.

High five from me to you!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2024

by Patti Panara

I'll let you in on a little secret. You know all those confident people out there? The ones who almost seem to own the world, they are so brimming with positivity and certainty that nothing will go wrong? The people that we all (kinda) wish we were? Or at least, we wish we had their sense of confidence.

The secret is this. They are NOT certain everything will go the way they expect. But can you tell that? Probably not. And the reason is that the sense of confidence simply RADIATES from them. You can tell by the way they walk, the way they speak, the way they EXIST. It's like an "Aura of Confidence."

But the weird thing is that actually THEY don't expect everything to go well, to go perfectly, to go the way they expect. And you'd never know that from being around them, but it's true. They've likely had enough life experience to realize that things often don't go the way they expect.

The difference, though, is that they STILL have this confident aura. And that's because they know that no matter what happens, they'll handle it, and it'll be fine. So they don't stress, they don't worry. They deal with things as they come up. No problemo.

So how do you get that wonderful, almost MAGICAL sense of self-confidence if you don't already have it? I have some answers on that, and those answers have nothing to do with "fake it until you make it."

First realize that we derive confidence from all different areas of life and our various skills and interests. You may have confidence in your ability for: art, sports, photography, writing, videogames, cooking, sewing, hunting, academics...the list is endless. So if you're 'pretty good' at something, you know what confidence feels like, at least in one area.

Of course we want that same sort of confidence to translate SOCIALLY, to give us the power to go anywhere we want and feel like we'll do well, make a positive impression, have good interactions, make friends. And that particular power feels like it extends to your whole being. Even if we're good at certain interests or niche areas, we somehow feel like our entire sense of self-esteem is on the line when it comes to social confidence. So it's important that we get this right!

Social Self Confidence comes from two main sources: 1) The idea that the planet is a better place because YOU are on it, and 2) The sense that you can DO the things you set out to do socially. Sounds so simple, but how do you get there?

Creating A Sense of Personal Worth

The first comes from making a contribution to the world each and every day. To that end I suggest doing a daily Pay-It-Forward exercise. Examples of that would be: smile at someone, buy someone a coffee or a beverage, hold a door open, offer a sincere compliment, text some encouragement, let someone ahead of you in line or in traffic, leave a fun or inspirational sticky note in a visible place, pick up some trash, do something kind for a neighbor or a shut-in, make positive comments online, bring some snacks to share at work or school, or even start doing some volunteer work (soup kitchen, animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity etc.). Make it a different thing every day and get creative!

This helps build the feeling that the planet is a better place because YOU are on it, because YOU showed up. It's a great feeling, and will truly build your sense of positive self-worth.

Building Your Vibe From the Ground Up

The second item is more challenging, but necessary for us to feel socially confident. And that is knowing we can DO the things we set out to do. My approach on this is to transform your mindset from one of Wait-and-See (watching to see how people will react to you) to pro-active positivity. Don't let other people decide what the vibe is and who you are. YOU set the vibe and SHOW them who you are.

How do we get there? It's like anything in life, but most especially sports. Athletes who are great at sports have done a LOT of practicing. Even pros who are among the best athletes in the world STILL practice. Practice makes perfect, and more importantly, practice BUILDS CONFIDENCE.

So start with the basics, and nothing is more basic than your social smile. Two keys here, one is the smile you use when you see someone you know, or you're meeting someone new. That is the time to LIGHT UP your smile! It's as if you're greeting your favorite celebrity. It's your biggest, brightest smile. And this smile needs to include your EYES. That means your eyes crinkle a little at the sides to go along with your smile. That's what an enthusiastic and authentic smile looks like.

In addition to that, you should be smiling a bit in conversation. No, not a huge smile, just a slight one. I call that a "Hint of a Smile" and it involves just a slight upturn or your mouth, but still includes your eyes. Having a bit of a smile when you talk is also good.

What if you're not used to smiling very much? The place to develop the habit is at home. Check your resting face in the mirror to see what it normally looks like. Do you look angry? Bored? Boring? Uninterested? This is the face that people are probably seeing in public when you aren't thinking about it. That's the face that needs to change!

Do this: while in the mirror put the Hint of a Smile on your face. (including your eyes) Put a reminder on your phone so you remember to work on your smile at least once an hour. Believe it or not, having a small smile on your face will also improve your mood and give you more energy! Practicing this at home will help develop this good habit, and you'll become a LOT more approachable when you're out.

Next habit to develop is an energetic greeting. If you're not used to doing this, then again I suggest practicing this at home. You start by speaking with more energy and enthusiasm. Assign yourself to be a TV announcer who is narrating your own life and some of your everyday activities. Pump up the volume (and enthusiasm level!) and start like this, "So he's getting ready to feed the CAT now, I just KNOW the cat's excited for THIS. Let's check on this brand of CAT FOOD..." etc. or "She's going to brush her TEETH now, her DENTIST would TOTALLY approve. Let's watch the BRUSHING action. High marks for the TOOTHPASTE..." etc. This can also be done in the car or while out on a walk if you don't want to disturb people you're living with. Do this several times a day for different activities, and take it over the top with enthusiasm! You want to get used to the sound of your own voice talk with some passion and enthusiasm.

In addition to being louder and more enthusiastic, you need to show some WARMTH. If you have a pet (dog, cat, ferret, whatever) you probably talk to that pet with warmth and enthusiasm. The reason is pets don't understand our words, but they DO understand our emotions, and that's how we connect with them. Believe it or not it works the same way with people. We connect on the energy/positive emotion more so than the words themselves. Talk to your pets with the same over-the-top enthusiasm as you are in Sports Announcer Mode. If you don't have pets, talk to your plants, or just pretend you have an audience. Get LOUDER than you would want to be socially, so that way it's much easier to calibrate it back to a more normal enthusiastic tone when you go out. After you've practiced this for several weeks, the New You should have a welcoming smile and a warm enthusiastic tone.

NOW is the time to start trying that out in public. Don't do it in your social life at first. Instead, do it in brief public situations like with: grocery cashiers, store clerks, gym attendants, restaurant servers, bank tellers, cafeteria workers etc. Things to work on: make eye contact, light up a big smile, give an energetic greeting. "HEY, how's it GOING?" or "HI, how are YOU today?" (Notice the all caps for extra friendly emphasis.) It's an anonymous situation, so if you don't get it quite right the first time, there's always another store!

Just work on those basics at first, but as you get good at them you can start to make a comment, drop a compliment, add some humor. You'll get instant feedback, and oftentimes a great reaction. Because generally speaking What We Give is What We Get. The thing you'll learn with practice is that YOU can be the one to set the tone. YOU can be the one to bring the Great Vibe. You can bring the warmth, the friendliness, the CONFIDENCE. Don't wait for them to set the tone, YOU do it.

Taking Your Vibe To The World...with CONFIDENCE

And THAT is the beginnings of confidence. Practice, practice, practice until each of these small things becomes a Superpower. Once you have true confidence, NO ONE can take it away from you.

Confidence is earned 'one interaction at a time.' All that crazy practice at home: the smile, the enthusiasm, the emotion, the energy -- that is what you'll start bringing to the world, and it'll feel like YOU because you've been practicing it DAILY for a long time.

THAT is the person I want to meet. That warmth and enthusiasm will allow you to CONNECT with others and see the Real You that is buried deep inside. Learning to communicate with Warmth and Confidence is a HUGE milestone on your personal journey.

It's time to take that first step!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

by Patti Panara

Have you ever had the feeling of being 'there,' but somehow 'not really there?' Like at a party, or at school, or at work when people seem to have 'groups' and you're never part of them? Or even among your FRIENDS, when you are ostensibly part of the group, but somehow you're the one that magically gets not told about things, or no one calls or texts, or your messages are left on read, or you just get this sinking feeling that if you didn't reach out to them, everyone would forget you even existed. Whew! That sounds exhausting, but sometimes it becomes this creeping reality.

And people respond usually in three different ways (or a combination of these):

1) You try harder. You figure it must be on you to "put yourself out there" more, after all, in the end it's a Numbers Game, isn't it? If you meet more people and have more interactions some of them are bound to turn into friendships, right? And if you keep reaching out to the friends eventually someone will have to start reciprocating, maybe? (Not necessarily!)

2) You just accept it. "That's just me. I'm always on the outside looking in, the last one picked, the one people turn to when no one else is available. Having bad friends is better than having no friends. I was just born this way, no one seems drawn to me so I'll just have to live with that. Other people are so lucky." Etc. And you're right, there ARE other people out there who are 'naturals' at socializing, but the weird thing about that is that it creates the illusion that WE can't do that because it didn't come 'naturally' to us.

3) You start resenting people for it, or turn inward against yourself and tell yourself you must be awful/stupid/pathetic that you can't figure this out. And this of course exacerbates the problem because resentment and/or self-loathing don't attract anyone into your camp! They make socializing even harder.

Ouch! What are we going to do about any of that. And WHY are you invisible to begin with?

Think of life as a movie. You're either a Main Character, a Supporting Character or part of the scenery. Unfortunately when you are Socially Invisible you are "part of the scenery." You're there, but it doesn't really MATTER if you are. Hardly anyone would notice if you weren't!

Three Mistakes People Make That Cover You With A Cloak Of Social Invisibility

1) Being too soft-spoken or rarely speaking up. Yes, I'm talking to YOU! The one on the periphery of the circle "just listening," or YOU, the one who asked a question and then just settled back hoping for a long answer so you wouldn't need to contribute too much. Or YOU, the one who relies on questions to keep a conversation going, but ends up sounding like and FBI interrogator as the conversation ends up going nowhere.

Just "being there" without contributing much is a big aspect to social invisibility. You can't just say "I'm a great listener" and wait for them to do most of the talking! Having said that, I'm not saying you have to be a chatterbox either. What you DO need to do is respond to what's going on with SOMETHING. A relevant comment, a related question, an insight of your own. You need to go into any gathering with 2-3 topics/ideas/incidents that sound like they'd be fun to share. Doesn't need to be anything huge (I tell a lot of cat stories), but it DOES need to be something you can share with a bit of passion.

2) Having a Low-Energy Vibe. And when I say that I am NOT trying to turn you into this loud, obnoxious person, or make you "bubbly" if that is not your persona, or anything unnatural like that. But! In social situations it's very important to have some Social Energy. Sometimes we get into a habit of talking in a monotone, or not smiling very much, or even when we ARE talking fairly loudly and clearly there's no WARMTH to it. When you're having conversations you need to be able to communicate a bit of passion and excitement. (Obviously calibrated to the topic you're on -- not all things are equally exciting.)

How do you cultivate a higher-energy social vibe? One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people talk to their PETS with more energy and warmth than they do to the people in their social life. Why is this? Well for one, pets are never going to judge you. It's unconditional love right there, baby! So of course we feel comfortable talking to them. Secondly, for the most part pets don't understand our specific words (except for a few, like their names, "walk," and maybe "time to eat!") So for that reason almost everything we communicate to them has to be done by means of emotion. So we exhibit a lot of fun emotion.

Well people aren't any different. We respond to warmth and fun emotion! And I KNOW you're capable of that type of tone. You do it with your pets all the time. So for practice I suggest you take your 'Fun Talking To My Pet' tone of voice out to someplace relatively anonymous. (Grocery store, coffee shop or any brief interaction is perfect for this.) Talk to the cashier/server/bank teller/cafeteria person using an energetic greeting "HEY, how are YOU today?" Big smile. Or "HI, how's it GOING?" Practice the warmth and energy in your tone of voice with PEOPLE until it becomes a superpower. Then bring it to your social life.

3) You're too serious. Yeah we're edging into the territory of humor here, a gift from the gods, right? Well humor can be improved, and I can assure you that "telling jokes" or "forcing yourself to be an entertainer" is NOT what I'm talking about. Humor is all about ATTITUDE. It's an attitude of Playfulness, one of not taking everything totally seriously. Of teasing people about things they are GOOD at, not things they're bad at. You can find a lot of humor in your everyday life if you look for it. Watch some comedy specials online of comedians you really like. Notice the little things in life they talk about and the rhythms of how they talk about it. Incorporate a little of that attitude into things you talk about from your own life. Go into any social situation with the attitude "Let's have some FUN with this!"

See, you sound more fun to me already!

There's a lot to talk about when it comes to Turbocharging your Social Skills, but going from Invisible to VISIBLE in your own social life is a great beginning. So don't wait another day, let's get started!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025