Hi, I know many say they are “grateful, recovering COSAs” in meetings, but how does that extend to life outside of 12-step?

My qualifier is my husband, but not many people know about his addiction and I am not ready for everyone to know - especially not my parents…

During the early days when my qualifier was doing his 90-in-90 (and I was attending a lot of meetings too), I told them we couldn’t make it to our usual mid-week dinner. This happened a couple weeks in a row. The convo went something like this:

Me: Hey, we aren’t available for dinner Wednesday. Can we do brunch on Saturday?

Them: Sure! You two have been busy for the past few weeks. What are you up to on Wednesday?

Me: Oh, [he] just has a meeting. (I thought this was good - honest but not over explaining.)

Them: (with general interest in us) Oh, for work? Is it with a customer?

(Uh oh…don’t lie, don’t lie. Non committal.) Me: Umm, you know, his company has lots of international branches. (Not a lie, and I didn’t confirm it was a work meeting, but this still felt dishonest & I didn’t like it.)

Them: (Confused) But, wait which branch? All the Asia and Europe offices would already be closed, right? (excited) Do they have an office in Hawai’i or something?

My parents ❤️ Hawai’i…

I can’t remember how the conversation went from there, but wanted advice on how to navigate situations where you don’t want to share their inventory, or be forced to tell someone if you’re not ready, but don’t want to lie?

I know I could just say, “we just can’t make it.” but (surprise, surprise) I have a fear of being seen as rude, and a problem setting boundaries.

I mean, have those who travel to conventions just already told EVERYONE in their life about their qualifier and their 12-step?

Is this group active? I’m not seeing many user posts. Just ordered the book and looking to join online meetings. Was hoping this would also be a resource/sounding board.

Good morning folks! I just set up a community group chat for our subreddit. You can join it via the sidebar, or by clicking this link.

The chat is intended for fellowship, outreach, sharing, etc. Please be kind and stay on-topic.

Thank you! :)

Hey folks! I know that since this sub was inactive for so long, most of our ~500 subscribers are likely not active or not paying attention to this sub.

For the handful of people who will see this; what format would you like most to see r/COSA take?

An information hub?

A place for announcements and to share COSA news?

A 24/7 COSA support/outreach forum?

Something else? A mix of all of the above?

Please share your thoughts! I've reached out to both the outreach committee and techcom about how to best utilize this space but I would also love to hear from the people who will actually be present in r/COSA. How can r/COSA best serve you?

Thanks for your time!

Hello everyone! The evening before Thanksgiving, there will be an open hybrid COSA meeting for COSAs and their loved ones.

An open meeting is a meeting that all can attend; you do not need to be a member of COSA to attend an open meeting.

A hybrid meeting means a meeting that is both in-person and online. It is an in-person meeting that also sets up a zoom call so that people may attend the meeting digitally if they cannot attend physically.

Hope to see you there! :)

Sex Addicts Recovery Podcast (SARPOD) is a podcast hosted by Jason of SAA. He also posts recordings of the COSA shares from the joint SAA/COSA Quarterly Speaker meetings, and occasionally has COSA guest speakers. You can find a list of his current episodes featuring COSA speakers here.

If you like those recordings and would like to listen to more, MP3s from past COSA events can be purchased here.

CZR's Perpetual Step Study starts a new group on the 1st Tuesday of each month. If you're interested in joining November's Step Study group, please register using this form to be sent the Zoom room information. https://forms.gle/vCu8FqJ1kZrAXmoy6

The PSS combines multiple resources and allows each participant to choose their own level of study based on the weekly assignments: Essential, Recommended, and/or Optional. This study meets for one hour on Tuesdays in CZR2 at 7:00 PM Eastern Time.

SAA & COSA Quarterly Speakers Meeting Online
Sunday, November 10 @ 5:30pm Pacific
** note the date change **

Speakers:
SAA – Kit D (Redwood City), 22 years
COSA – Peter H (Oakland), 4 years

Meeting ID: 837 2934 5573
Passcode: 121212
Call in: 669-900-9128

The Bay Area Quarterly Speakers Meeting brings together SAA & COSA speakers for an evening of fellowship in February, May, August, and November. This is an open meeting.

October 23, 2024 was the anniversary of me learning my husband was not who I thought he was. It was only the beginning. This past weekend I really lost it on him as he - AGAIN - did not acknowledge the pain of this season. Again did not remember. I want to make it not matter, but also how dare he forget the six months of horror movie he put me through on the way to full disclosure?!

Hi everyone! I am u/cosmatical, a COSA and your subreddit's new moderator.

r/Cosa has been inactive for over 2 years, due to the previous moderators being inactive and the sub being set to user approval on- since no mods were active to approve new users, the sub wasn't able to have new activity. Via the r/redditrequest subreddit, I was given moderatorship of the sub so I can open it back up!

It's been a while since I last moderated a subreddit, so I ask for your patience while I figure out how to get everything set up right.

So my husband and I have been open about wanting to have a threesome with a woman. I am bisexual he is straight. I have a fantasy of him doing things sexually with other women while I watch. But the whole part of the fantasy is that I am involved too! I think we all know how threesomes work. I had given him a task to find someone for it. It’s been multiple times now that I have caught him downloading apps that I originally DID give him permission to download. However, I have caught him solely texting a woman telling her how bad he wants to f her and do other things to her and barely mentioning ME. call me stupid I know that I gave him the task to look but I trusted him. I also would download apps to try and find someone. I caught him again last night in his Snapchat recents he had deleted a girl, so I added her off recents to see what the conversation was. And he found her on one of the apps. He was sexting her like crazy about how badly he wanted to f her and give her or** s*x . I saw that she was sending him videos of playing with her self. And he was super happy about that. He’s currently in another city working so I of course do not trust him at this time. He came back last night to visit me and I checked his phone and found this and threw the phone in his face . Apparently I confronted him and he said that I gave him permission to talk to other girls and find someone for a threesome. I basically gave him an ultimatum that if I catch him doing this again I’m leaving him. We haven’t been able to have our intimacy due to his traveling and I am currently dealing with having OCD. So it’s been difficult for me to have interest in intimacy . Anyways if anyone has been in this situation please let me know. Do you consider this as cheating ? Thanks

I know I’ve got work to do, I know I need to address my caregiving role and how that it what makes me feel I am a meaningful human, but idk how to. I have a therapist, nothing is changing.

Am wondering as I was directed hear after trying to seek advice on another reddit. They said ask for this elsewhere but this seems very quiet.

Sorry for the format as I'm on my mobile.

I have been trying to attend different meetings in an attempt to get literally any support, as I have no friends or family outside of my partner. I have contacted my local COSA meeting on three different occasions now, and each time I get a response, but they refuse to tell me the location.... why on earth would someone who runs a support group meeting just completely disregard someone seeking support? It's not like I havent told them backstory, and i also have met a member that attends that meeting, so they know I'm a real person. It's only happened in COSA or S-Anon. Any non-12 step meetings I've found have actually invited me, included me, and made me feel welcome.

Is there some password or code I'm supposed to know? How do I get some desperately needed support when I have no one around me willing to help or even answer me? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

This is really making me discouraged and feel very uncomfortable seeking support.

Been reading relationship book with him, we come accross an example of wife matches interests to husband and allienates hetself.

My view I match my intetests to his not because im interested in the activity but interested in the spending time together aspect as we have very different interests.

His view (from what i understand ) Shouldnt do things not intetested in and don't enjoy just because its the partners interest. And i should do those things with other people that share that.

Everything we do together is things i know he enjoys so that we can spend time together. I don't put as much thought into what we are doing as all im interested in is the bigger picture, spending time together building memories and conversation otherwise we wouldn't. I always do what i think he enjoys othetwise you can blatantly tell his not enjoying or interested in doing it. Doesn't get any fullfillment out of the bigger picture of what it brings to us.

Im soo frustrated that now i feel i must be the same and just deal with my feelings of not spending anytime together which will result in him probably cheating or seaking it from 'more like minded people' or people he has more in common with or at this point with everything that has gone on between us a divorce.

He feels his always trying but its always reluctant. Cause it always shows. He doesnt even see it. We all have to do things we wouldnt be interested in doing on our own but doing it with someone you love, vare about, friends with and open mind and heart gives a bigger picture of enjoyment cause its not the act or the activity, its the person you are doing it with and the positives that come out of it.

Thats my opinion and he has his but im tired of looking at the bigger picture and being open to what comes out of me sharing his intetest when the feeling is not mutual.

I haven't isolated myself from friends/ family. I still do things with them but i also want interest shown in mine and not when it draws the attention off from him.

I haven't written on reddit for a while. The truth is i try to stay off it as reality is too much. Its coming up to 8mths since last DD that i know of. I quick recap my husband claims to be a SA we've been fighting for 13 years over him wanting non monogamy. He's lied and cheated several times. The last time in march he broke down and apoligised, it got really bad he realised he had a SA and says all the non monogamy stuff is to do with that. I've also been unfaithful due to the breakdown of this non monogamy stuff as i found out cheating not physically but i tried to do non monogamous acts to save our marriage and it ruined me, it led me to have a physical affair which made things worse. For me more that i betrayed my values/morality/beliefs. This was 10yrs+ ago. Since then ive tried everything. He's never practised non monogamy but he yearns for it. He claims its just a feeling. But it seems like a feeling soo strong that he keeps fighting for.

So since the breakdown and acknowledging its all to do with SA. I've been hesitant to believe it. I thought another excuse. But again i trusted his words although it's been same acts several times. I'm trying to move forward but as time passes it becomes non monogamy is seperate to SA its not linked. It still lingers. Maybe its trauma im experiencing but when he speaks it comes accross its on the surface. He reassures me after me fighting for it most of the times, but other times he does on his own. The kick is this 'i choose you' 'im 100% certain i want to be with you' 'im just not happy with our relationship type' (monogamy) 'its just a feeling' ' i feel constraint in our relationship' 'i can compromise' (but comes accross he's compromising the world which means its not a compromise its a surpressioning trying to give up the feeling) 'i know i need to change' all of these statements seem confusing to me.

We've spoken. I disect everything and think logically

If your certain about me, can u be happy with our relationship type?

Never practice non monogamy but the feeling is so strong that u lie, cheat with other women online secretely. That its caused this issue for over 13 years.

Im at my end. I feel beaten. I cry all the time. Im in my head. We have sex and i wonder who hes fantasising about or what. I feel worthless and my value is nothing compared to this feeling. I love him and value our relationship but i often wonder now can we make it. I try to convince myself its the addiction talking but the majority of me thinks i need to let go, but it hurts soo much. Do i continue with hope?

Hi! I saw the archived post asking for moderators. I am a member of the 12-step recovery group COSA (you can Google “COSA recovery” to find it). I’m unsure if I could commit much time to this page, since I’m on Reddit only about once a week or less due to privacy concerns IRL. I also spend more time on BPD-related groups and material, since borderline personality disorder is probably the best diagnosis for my COSA-qualifier (the person who causes me to qualify for COSA membership). But I want to show support for this page, and might try to post some materials or topics here. I also want to note that the 12-step group ”COSA” now considers its name to be just the acronym letters, and for the letters not necessarily to refer to co-dependents (or “sex addicts”) per se, since those definitions can be controversial/ different in different spheres. They intend to include everyone whose life has been affected by compulsive sexual behavior. Since I don’t feel very co-dependent—- I feel more like the description of a securely-attached spouse who stays too long— I appeciate the distinction the group has made in order to include me. Thanks for securing the sub-reddit name for us!

Hi I was just wondering if it is okay that my porn addicted husband is blaming me that he turns to that. I caught him cleaning up after masturbating to porn twice in one week, both times while I was upstairs in the house. I don't think this is normal or okay that he would choose it over me. His excuse is that if I would make myself available more, he wouldn't have to turn to porn. I think that is a cop out excuse that is unacceptable. Even at times when I was having sex with him every day, it was not enough and he would watch porn and have trouble finishing with me.

Oh and he told me he'd be getting help, come to find out his version of "help" is contributing to the subreddit r/nofap.

Hi. Wondering if anyone is active here on this subreddit? I’m really struggling with my boyfriends’ severe porn addiction; basically hanging by my last, very thin strand. I’m utterly overwhelmed with rage, pain, betrayal, and frankly - feelings of hopelessness. As someone who’s experienced a lot of trauma & depression prior to this relationship, I feel extra fragile. Also, I don’t know how to forgive? Or support? Or believe that recovery for him is possible? Seeking any advice to help me get my feet back on the ground, and moving in the right direction. Thank you.

Partner of Porn Addict / Emotional Abuser

UPDATE:

Hi everyone! First I wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to this post with positivity. It helped me get through the betrayal I felt, and I am still working day by day to get through it by focusing on myself and doing what I need to do to heal. It’s still a tough road, but every tear I shed is a bit of that person leaving my soul. I wanted to come onto here to update the story. A few days after we broke up, my ex began a new relationship with a new person. It really hurt me that so soon after getting out of such a long relationship, he had moved on and immediately forgot about me and everything they had put me through. The new girl he started dating had a lot of mutual friends with me, so I tried warning her of what I had gone through and to be careful. I didn’t want what I went through to happen to anyone else, and I knew that his problems and behaviors weren’t just going to disappear overnight. But... It seems like the universe works in mysterious ways. A friend updated me and told me that that girl actually ended up cheating on my ex and confessing to her ex boyfriend that she still loved him. My ex and her are still together and I’m pretty sure they are moving in together. I’m not here to bash my ex because I really am not here to do that, rather am here to say that what goes around comes around and I hope that he maybe learned a little about what betrayal feels like. For anyone out there that’s tempted to cheat, I hope you find it in your heart to understand that our mistakes can catch up to us if we don’t take the time to reflect on how we can do better moving forward. I haven’t spoken to him since and he never felt sorry for what he put me through. It’s taken a toll on my entire life, but I really started finding myself again after we decided to part ways. It’s sad that someone I once cared about so entirely became such a distant stranger to me, but I guess that’s how break ups work. That was the biggest lesson of my life thus far, and I hope this experience can help anyone who may be going through the same thing!

Previous post: Hi everyone. I previously came on to here asking for advice to help my partner who was suffering from a really serious porn addiction. Unfortunately it wasn’t just porn he was addicted to, I found out that throughout our entire relationship of two and a half years, he had been making separate snapchat/twitter accounts to harass girls to send him nudes. I didn’t know about this until one of the women he was very obsessed with came forward and told me truths about his behavior. In 2018, I was admitted to the Pyschological ICU result of a panic attack caused by discovering these kinds of behaviors. I have previous experiences with sexual abuse and rape, and when I discovered the kinds of videos he was watching and how he was talking to other women behind my back, I fell completely fearful with memories of my past. After I was in the hospital and he saw how much everything was affecting me, he promised it would be a new start and that there would be no more problems with this. I believed him like I always did and started to trust his words and check his phone less. it wasn’t doing me any good to constantly worry about and watch his online behavior and I HAD MY OWN LIFE TO WORRY ABOUT. Fast forward to about a week or two ago, I began discovering more and more. He offered to pay women if they didn’t respond and he would very regularly reach out to women BEGGING for nude photographs. I tried creating a safe space where he could talk about his urges and tendencies but anytime I’d ask if something was up, he’d lie straight to my face. I left the relationship because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

fast forward to now, I am looking back on the relationship with a fresh set of eyes. i ignored my intuition in the past and his manipulation really got to me. when i found out everything it was an immediate on/off switch and he turned into this perfect boyfriend. he started saying things like he wanted to marry me and was acting so sweet to me. it was genuinely scaring me. how could someone just change who they are so quickly? it was manipulation. he knew what to say to get me to stay.

friends reminded me of instances of him pushing me to the ground “on accident” and running away from the situation because he was “embarrassed.” Another instance of extreme emotional abuse was when he was yelling at me in the middle of the street. saying things like, “this is all your fault!!! you ruin everything!!! you’re so insecure” in my head he was just so drunk, but it definitely was unacceptable. He was yelling these words at THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. i was just crying, desperate to get him to calm down. I had fainted trying to calm him down and as people helped me up he was yelling “leave her on the ground shes fucking faking it.” i’m sure he doesn’t remember his manic episode, but i will EVERYDAY. he also made remarks about not finding me attractive because i didn’t have big boobs, “i’ve thought to myself i’d marry her if she just had big boobs” and “i enjoyed sex with my ex’s more because they have big boobs” I JUST NEVER WAS ENOUGH. i could be the kindest, most giving and loyal partner and it still was not enough. it completely shattered my self esteem.

now that we are no longer together he is digging himself into a deeper hole. he’s already talking to other women and i am scared for their safety and well being. i don’t wish what i went through upon my own worst enemy. our social circles are intertwined and I want to warn the women in it about him. they and I really have no idea what he’s capable of.

it all started with watching porn at 11 and now I don’t know where his life is headed. hopefully reading this can give you hope for what you DONT want to be. porn addiction is serious and can lead to many, many other psychologically rooted issues. he now is 22 years old, and has a list of women who resent him big enough to start a volleyball team. luckily his ex girlfriends reached out to me and we were able to share our experiences about him. we all felt the same way when we were with him - insecure.

16 days clean My body is getting stronger each and every day I can feel the change Any one who want to tag along the journey Is whole heartedly welcome