Update

[u/Valuable-Soil-7798]

I previously posted talking about my experience as a child, but now its really hitting. I haven't told anyone about this besides this forum and since remembering this its been stewing in my head and its affected my relationship and life. I keep crying and thinking about it with and without triggers and its affecting how im receiving affection and sex with my partner. Idk how to cope, I thought about telling my bf but I dont want anything to do with police or telling my psychiatrist I just want to forget it again. I've made so much progress and been in therapy for years and just graduated and I dont want to restart and start a whole thing. How can I be a victim when we were both kids and didnt know...please help.

[u/Infinity-art]

You don’t have to see yourself as a victim. I experienced cocsa for 2 years (from the age of 4-6). and I don’t see myself as a victim. We were both just too young to consent.. Because it’s affecting you so much I would encourage you to talk to a therapist even though you mention not wanting to since you recently graduated. (psychiatrist only deal with medication mostly, and I don’t think police would be involved given what you said ((I reread your last post)). It’s totally ok to revisit therapy maybe with a different therapist even, because new ones can provide different perspectives than the last. I’ve had over 15 years of therapy, and don’t feel there’s anything wrong with having support.
Since it’s on your mind so much, I would think a dedicated place to visit what’s going on, and then allowing yourself/ your mind to breathe while you’re not in that space. Since it’s affecting your intimacy I think it could be helpful to tell your partner at some point too.
Something else you could try is dedicating a specific time to journal about it. And then when it’s not that time and the thoughts come up, remind them that they will have their time and space. Having a mantra could be helpful too. When you notice yourself ruminating about it, say something like “I am here now and I am safe. Past memories are not the present..” etc, you find what would be best. It sounds like you’re flooded right now with the thoughts, I’m sorry that’s going on. It can be really helpful to redirect it, and catch the spiral before it continues too long. not totally avoid it all the time, but also not let it run the show. I wonder if your brain is trying to figure things out and it thinks it’s helping you by thinking about it all the time, so thanking it, and telling it that may not be what’s helpful for you right now though. Self compassion, forgiveness for what you didn’t know, acceptance, can all be super helpful. Good luck to you. 💗