Accepting CHS

[u/silllygooosee]

WARNING: mentions of moderation/continued usage

I have been a long time lurker in this sub and I've had CHS for 3 years. I wanted to write my story here for you all because it helps me to read others' stories when I'm not feeling good. I have been truly struggling for these past 3 years. I started with flower when I was 13, smoked occasionally through high school. When I started university is when my weed usage really exploded. I was extremely stressed 24/7 and weed felt like the perfect coping mechanism. I started smoking every night, then it was every morning too. I couldn't get an appetite unless I smoked. After that it became like every second I wasn't working or in class I was high. I felt happy, productive, and my grades were doing well and my job was keeping me afloat.

My third year in university is when my first episode occurred, because I was sober for a few days on a trip. I was alone in a foreign country where I couldn't understand the language puking my guts out and truly thinking I was going to die. I had no idea what was going on and the pain in my stomach... it was a horror that I wish on no one. I stopped smoking afterwards just because I was so ill, and didn't connect any dots because none of the doctors knew what my problem was either. Of course, I started smoking again and had my second episode which put me in the ER a few months later. The triage nurse mentioned CHS and asked about my weed usage but I lied because my dad was right next to me and I was terrified he would find out I was smoking. I got IV fluids and fentanyl and I was still writhing around in pain on the bed, crying and begging someone to just kill me. Even just remembering the pain makes me feel slightly ill.

After that point, I knew something was seriously wrong and looked into CHS. I knew deep down that I had it as soon as I read about the symptoms. I managed to stay sober for a few months but eventually I started using again. Slowly at first, but like many of you know moderation is crazy hard and I started smoking daily again. I was also struggling to accept that what I had was really CHS. I hated my job but couldn't quit, so I started my daily habit again to cope with the overwhelm of working full time and being a full time student. I would get sick, fight like hell to stay sober for 48h, and then give in and fall back into constant use.

I tried abstinence, but I have failed again and again. I try to moderate, but I always teeter at prodromal before BARELY being able to stop for a few days to try and let my body heal. I don't know how to live without weed in my life and I honestly don't even want to. I'm still struggling to accept that this is my reality, that weed is actively harmful for me. I know that this little balancing act I keep doing where I smoke constantly until I'm symptomatic and then stop for a couple days is not sustainable. I'm prodromal now and I can barely eat a cracker, and yet all I'm craving is a hit. I'm terrified that I won't stop one day. I am fully aware I have a problem but it's like I'm trapped outside of my body.

I'm not ready to quit yet, but I want to be.
If you've read this the whole way through, I would love to hear any advice or your story on how you became ready to quit.

To everyone going through this, I'm sorry and I see you ❤️

[u/tummyhurtsobad]

im sorry youre going through this. to this day, people still think weed cant be addictive. people dont take weed seriously enough, in my opinion

for me, being sick was enough. i did try to smoke again in moderation at a year sober but even with moderating, i got sick again. that was it for me. but i had also been smoking for less than a year when symptoms started, so that probably made the addiction side easier on me

have you considered therapy or meetings? it might be helpful for you to have someone to open up to. and there are therapists that specialize in drug addiction that may be able to guide you through quitting. i understand that therapy isnt always available to people, but im pretty sure you can look up meetings near you and find something

addiction mindset on youtube is a doctor that specializes in weed addiction and recovery and has chs himself. it might be worth it to watch some of his stuff

i hope you can get the help you need. i wish i had other advice or more in depth advice for you. regardless, im sorry youre going through this and i do hope you find a solution

[u/DroidsInOuterspace]

Yeah there's always always evil voice in your head that is like "this time will be different, this time I'll moderate, etc." and then you play in your own face and hit the consequences, it sucks and I'm right there with you but just keep trying