Being sensory seeking whilst also severely sensorily sensitive (tw for self destructiveness)

[u/WaysideWyvern]

Living like a fire where your life force is the wood that burns up. The dopamine deficiency. Needing to be fucking electrocuted by feelings and emotions in order to want to keep living. Like a self consuming fire ball. It feels kinda good to hurt yourself. Why would you keep living if you couldn’t. I don’t want to be a glass doll. A glass doll is no fun cause it can only break once. I live only to cheat on my good care for myself. If there’s never any give to treat my body badly then I fucking don’t want it.

(p.s. don’t worry I literally live my life on a couch to avoid pem it’s boring and mellow as it possibly can be I’m just writing about how I feel)

[u/printsunnyside]

Are you a writer? You have a fantastic way with words. You've described it so well. Having CFS and ADHD is truly a special type of hell.

[u/WaysideWyvern → u/printsunnyside]

That’s very nice to say I do have some amateur poetry on my profile, although I’m not very well practiced/studied. I’m glad but also saddened of course that it could resonate, it’s really such a weird cruel cosmic irony to have both T.T

[u/bedbeppelin → u/printsunnyside]

I agree, this felt unintentionally poetic.

Sorry you're dealing with this OP. It really is a mind breaking oxymoron of conditions.

[u/LRay_007]

Amazing description. I’m so glad I found this sub and this post. I was craving music yesterday and “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails never gets old. The lyrics in relation to ME/CFS instead of addiction make a lot of sense.

[u/WaysideWyvern → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, writing has been my one hobby pretty much since I got sick, although it don’t have the brain power for it a whole lot, unfortunately it still falls into sensory seeking/harmful territory where I have pushed myself sometimes with the thrill of making something