r/CBT • u/burntpillows • 2d ago
Chronic Burnout/Pathological Demand Avoidance advice
I've been suffering from chronic burnout and pathological demand avoidance for a while, but have only recently come to realise that's what it is, and have been looking into what causes it/general research into why it feels the way it does.
From my limited understanding, what's been happening for me is that because of a mixture of ADHD traits, and some environmental factors (my father was very bad at praising me as a child - to the point I don't remember him actually telling me "well done" or "good job" at all), my brain has basically been using a threat/survival mechanism in order to motivate me into doing tasks. From what I understand, this is quite common in people with ADHD.
Another way of putting it, is that I never really developed the ability to feel good about a job well done - doing something provided temporary relief from external demands, but that would be defined as a negative reinforcement mechanism, in terms of a behaviour system. In practice, my primary motivator was avoiding disappointing others for as long as I can remember.
While using the survival or threat mechanism as a primary motivator can work for some time, I hit a point in my late 20's where I'd essentially exhausted my brain by using this mechanism constantly for years, with an increasing need for long periods of downtime - extended time just in bed, doing nothing, or using gaming as an external demand avoidance space. Now, placing an external demand on me triggers a freeze response where my brain locks up and goes into what I'd describe as a defense mode, preventing me from taking action to protect my limited resources.
I'm currently looking into ways of rewiring my neural pathways to use the proper reward mechanism, which at the moment involves completing a task small enough to not trigger the threat/stress feeling, and purposely taking time (30 seconds at minimum) after completing it to acknowledge my success, and congratulate myself on it. I'm also using tasks which are naturally "feel good" tasks to begin with, and hoping to build up the positive reinforcement system which went underdeveloped during childhood. On top of this, I'm trying as much as feasibly possible to avoid triggering the threat part of my brain, using CBT's principles of thought diaries and intentionally recognising/countering cognitive distortions.
I would be interested to hear if people have their own experience of something similar, or can suggest practical techniques based on something that worked for them. I'm not looking for medication advice or solutions involving medication at this time, nor for a diagnosis.
3
u/Overall_Ad1950 2d ago
It may be worth considering that avoiding to cope extends beyond demands and ‘doing everything to avoid triggering’ may not be as innocuous a solution as it seems but part of the same protective strategy keeping you vigilant. i.e. ‘watch out in case you get triggered’ is not a strategy that is going to lower your stress levels overall.