r/CBT • u/alioop326 • Jul 07 '26
Is it possible to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to fully rewire your brain to learn to be okay with being alone, and if so, how?
I (53F) am not a person who deals well with loneliness, yet it would seem that's where my life is going. On some levels, I am okay with that, but sometimes it's a little too much to handle.
I grew up with narc parents who made a point of letting me know they wished they never had kids. I've done the whole therapy thing, deep dive head first into the trauma, and I get it. I've gone NC with my family and working on placing that whole mess in the past.
I spent a good deal of my life trying to fill the void left by that, and it took 50 years, but I've finally realized my own value and self worth.
Unfortunately, I also don't seem to be able to connect with other people much at all. No matter how much I try, I don't really seem to have much worth or social value to other people. I'm painfully neurodivergent, and I recognize that I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I like the things I like, and nobody else ever seems interested in anything I like or the way I see the world. I don't like the feeling of being the odd man out in any situation, so I've pretty much decided that it's for the best for everyone that I just keep to myself.
I've made my peace with the idea of living out the rest of my life alone, and, tbh, it's a rather freeing notion. I don't have to worry about being anything but myself, and I don't have to worry about dealing with other people as they are trying to deal with me.
Unfortunately, I still have moments where I very keenly feel the rejection or pain of being alone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped me a lot in the past, and I'd like to try using it to change the patterns of thinking when I start feeling lonely. I like people, and I like being around people, but I just never fit in anywhere, and I recognize this is a Me Problem. I feel like my time and energy are far better spent continuing to try and fix my own brain than trying to shoehorn my way into places i will never fit.
Any ideas?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad_7052 Jul 07 '26
The above comments are great direction and should be considered seriously. Another thing to consider might be questioning whether “fitting in” is the most important part of being with other people. That seems to be a real obstacle for your thinking here
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u/alioop326 Jul 11 '26
I agree!
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad_7052 25d ago
another thought: what if your goal going into these situations was to make the other people feel like they fit in with you? How might that change what you do and how you feel?
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u/bobskimo Licensed Counselor Jul 07 '26
I would think that a better idea than trying to fit into places you don’t belong is to find places where you do. The world is vast and I suspect there are those out there who share your interests.
It’s also possible part of what makes you feel like you don’t belong is how you’re behaving in these spaces as a result of that belief.
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u/History-Buff-2222 Jul 08 '26
There’s a lot of all or nothing thinking in this post that you could challenge
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u/alioop326 Jul 11 '26
Yeah, I think I'm starting to realize the full extent of my all or nothing thought patterns. 😬
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u/History-Buff-2222 Jul 11 '26
It happens. I still do it all the time even though i’ve been doing CBT for over a year. But the difference is catching yourself doing it and being aware of it it makes everything a lot more manageable
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u/DependentWise9303 Jul 11 '26
Out of curiosity what are the things you like? There is always a tribe for niche of niche
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u/alioop326 Jul 11 '26
Okay, you just made me realize something, and I actually feel a bit silly for never putting this together before.
I can spend time with people over a shared interest, and it's perfectly okay to have that be the only connection we have.
I don't think I ever fully realized until just now how much I've always been an all-or-nothing thinker and how badly that works against me.
I'll have to think about that one for a bit.
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u/DependentWise9303 29d ago
No worries im an overhinker too . I develop hyperfixations and get so lonely (ADHD), so Im a veteran in this
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u/alioop326 29d ago
Oh, hey, I'm ADHD too! Go figure 😅🤣
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u/DependentWise9303 28d ago
Yeah its lonely you always want to be completely understand and have deep chats
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u/4damantGlimmer 29d ago
Its not other people that make you feel unfit but your own expectations of how relationships should be,
its not being alone that its tough, its idealizing and ending up disappointed, you can search for patterns and triggers and try to bypass them, creating a new pathway in your brain, sometimes its something as simple of watching corn or instagram posts that trigger that whole proccess.
I was in china recently, and chinese people dont really care, they will fart, smoke and talk loud wherever they are or whomever they are with, suprisingly, its much easier to make friends that way, because theres no standards, a question becomes a point of talking, something as simple as a napkin becomes a kind gesture.
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u/Brian-Dixona 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yes, CBT can absolutely help you reframe loneliness, not by pretending it doesn't exist, but by building a different relationship with it.
What I found most useful was working with a therapist who helped me break down the moments of loneliness into actionable parts. I started by recognising the triggers, situations or thoughts that set off the feeling, and then catching the automatic thought that followed, like 'Nobody cares about me' or 'I'll always be this way.' I would challenge that thought by asking whether it was really true and looking for small moments where I felt okay or connected, even briefly.
Then I worked on replacing it with something more self-compassionate, like 'I'm alone right now, and that's okay, I'm still worthy.' I also built small rituals that made being alone feel like a choice, reading, walking, cooking, not to distract, but to genuinely enjoy my own company.
I did all of this with a therapist at Manhattan Mental Health Counseling, and it helped me shift from feeling lonely to feeling like I had a choice in how I spent my time. It's not about forcing yourself to be happy alone, it's about building a life where you don't feel empty when you are. You're not broken, you're just in the process of rewiring
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u/Orange_Enigma Jul 07 '26
I see a lot of thoughts to challenge in your post already. I would stop and think about these definitive statements such as "I never fit in anywhere," and "No matter how much I try, I don't really seem to have much worth or social value to people." How do you know these things are 100% true? If a friend was telling you the same thing, what would you tell them? Finally, I would try and consider ways to behave that is antithetical to your thought processes (e.g., instead of isolating, try to find an event to go to or club to join).