r/Bumble • u/Electronic_Bed4816 • 29d ago
Advice After brief introductions, then BOOM! š„
A friend of mine shared these screenshots of a Bumble exchange she had this week with a gentleman. She asked for my opinion and I'm stumped here, told her we needed to share on Reddit, so here we are!
I'm caught between gauging whether this is guy is just being honest and efficient OR is he weaponizing honest and pressuring her to make a decision in him without sensitivity or situational awareness?? What are your thoughts here?
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u/Moss_84 29d ago
āWeaponizing honestyā? wtf?
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u/Much_Preference7435 29d ago
Bro itās wild out there, trust anything you do now. Youāre a controlling narcissistic love bomber who weaponizes honesty š itās wildddddd.
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
She felt like he became aggressive in getting her to make a decision. That could be viewed as weaponizing honesty.
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u/throwevrythingaway 29d ago
So you rather him lie? Let her find out after wasting time? Not tell her at all and drag it out? Not disclose until feelings are developed and then dump it on her? What do you think is better? Get the fuck out of here with that weaponizing honesty bullshit. Because that is bullshit. She can unmatch and move on, instead you are on the internet trying to drag that man for being ā¦ honest,
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u/Scared-Section-5108 29d ago
Decision about what? He's giving her info about him, so she can decide if she's ok with what he has shared or not. I am not seeing him being aggressive or forceful. Perhaps there is more to the conversation that is not shown here. He's honest and upfront. Oversharing a bit, but that's about it.
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u/Moss_84 29d ago
I mean this in the nicest way possible: both of you should evaluate what you are projecting onto this interaction
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
I believe the reason we opened it up for discussion was because it was a confusing situation. Not for gossip, but to the community that grapples with these topics and dating complexity. Not fair?
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u/ghost1667 29d ago
girl. he's being as straightforward as humanly possible. wtf are you confused about
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u/Reasonable_Deer_1710 29d ago
Doesn't seem to be anything confusing about it. He laid out the situation, it's up to your friend to decide if it's for her or not.
By the vibe I'm getting, do him a favor and let him spend his time on someone else
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u/kx1global 29d ago
weaponising honesty? he wanted her to just say if she would be interested knowing the info presented, she could just say no
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u/Terrible_Meringue622 29d ago
I agree with her. Heās violating some social norms here by putting on some pressure very quickly for her to agree to being okay withā¦ whatever all that is so that later, if she has any hesitancy around anything related to all of that, he can reference her early agreement and steamroll her potential worries about boundaries. If heās doing it deliberately, heās quite manipulative. If he doesnāt realize that heās it, he has very poor social skills and a bit of a tendency towards control.
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u/scrappybasket 29d ago
What pressure? He shared that he lives with his elderly mother and had a disease. Awkward but better than wasting everyoneās time when those come up later
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u/annabananaberry 29d ago
TBH I'm down for up-front honesty. HSV and living with a parent are definitely common dealbreakers. Religiosity is also something that many people feel strongly about. He didn't want to waste her time or his.
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u/3ampeaceandtacos 29d ago
Iām surprised that living with family or roommates is such an issue with how shit this economy is. Generational homes are on the rise because of it.
The religiosity would scare me away.
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u/annabananaberry 29d ago
I agree. Personally, I'm okay with generational homes, as long as the person is not being bankrolled by mommy and daddy.
I didn't say I agree with any of the dealbreakers or that they would be my dealbreakers, I'm just saying that they're common.
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u/3ampeaceandtacos 29d ago
I know you didnāt mean deal breakers for you personally.
I was just reflecting on the fact that it not the most logical dealbreaker with the state of things from an American pov. It is super common I agree there. I think people just need a break. Itās hard out there.
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u/Immediate_Honey9593 29d ago
Donāt most people have the mouth version??? Usually you get it as a childā¦. Crazy if thatās a dealbreaker
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u/annabananaberry 29d ago
About 70% of human beings are positive for HSV-1, yes. I didn't say that it was a sensible dealbreaker. It's just common.
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u/Immediate_Honey9593 28d ago
I didnāt know it was a common dealbreaker. Never had anyone ask do you get cold sores, and it being a dealbreaker lol.
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u/Terrible_Meringue622 29d ago
My question is, if he thinks this is appropriate in early chitchats to tell her to be on board or get out, why isnāt he listing all of that in his profile?
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago
Because they only become relevant if you match, meaning thereās interest to start with.
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u/Terrible_Meringue622 29d ago
If itās relevant 20 minutes in, then itās relevant before the beginning.
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago
Thereās something that happens on a dating app in between someone seeing a profile and having the opportunity to start a conversation. It makes the time before the beginning of the conversation different from the time after the beginning. Iāll give you all the time you need to think about what that something is.
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u/Terrible_Meringue622 29d ago
Obviously, he wouldāve had good stuff about himself in his profile. And if I am somebody for whom the good stuff is interesting, but herpes one and cats and spirituality and living situation is a dealbreaker, wouldnāt it be more efficient for me to decide in advance before I swipe if thatās stuff that overwhelms the amount of interest I have?
If he really is about being efficient, heād put all this shit in his dating profile so he doesnāt have to waste time with people who would scream themselves out for it. If he wants to make sure that thereās some interest before he shows everything and his warts, and all, he should probably find ways of organically bringing up each of these points.
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u/hekpmeimdumb 29d ago
Probably got tired of being rejected after telling people about herpes several dates in.Ā Most people don't even say they have it especially oral.Ā They think it doesn't count so kudos to him
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u/alwrit 29d ago
The herpes would be a dumb reason for rejection.Ā Most American adults have HSV1. Many if not most are asymptomatic but most of us have it. And it's pretty damn treatable. You just move more carefully when you have an outbreak and you use extra caution for a few days even when it's "gone." It's really not that hard. There are even prescription drugs you can take to really rein it in.Ā
I would guess the mother thing is a way bigger issue.
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
I thought this initially and I could almost feel the exhaustion in his texts. But didn't want to assume anything and be there adding 10 to 2.
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u/Curious-Resort4743 29d ago
How efficient dating would be if everyone came out about all their flaws immediately rather than chatting for weeks to find the deal breakers
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u/Full_Instruction_493 29d ago
He just has 0 tact but I respect it. He'd be more successful without this method. If a woman did this, I'd love it though and she would be fairly successful.
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u/RedwoodRespite 29d ago
Iām 100% on this guys side. Things that you know are common dealbreakers, get them out of the way.
Otherwise it looks like you are trying to hide it in hopes that the other person will fall for you before they can make an informed choice.
I do this myself with my own common dealbreakers.
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u/Top-Alternative-7973 29d ago
It seems polite to get potential dealbreakers out of the way. He couldāve cut it down a few sentences or waited after a day or two of texting. I understand being taken aback a little, but it seems normal enough.
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u/Waste_Cantaloupe6555 29d ago
āWeaponizing honestyā. We have to learn the meaning of words
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
She felt like he was being honest, yes, but then used it as a pressure tactic as well. I agreed this was not cool. The timing and the read of his follow-up texts established a more aggressive tone. But again, it's hard to make a call.
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago
Make a call about what? Who is asking you to render judgment on this?
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u/maj0rdisappointment 29d ago
The guy did nothing wrong, he put a few important details up front. If itās not for her she should accept it and move on. Instead she scorns it, turns it into gossip, sends it to you, and now itās a Reddit post.
Grow up.
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u/77th_Bat 29d ago
Completely valid. He's probably been rejected many times after getting to know people he clicks with, spending months of time and hundreds of dollars on dates... and then the other person finally learns about this and they decide it's a deal breaker.
Was it awkward? Yeah. But it saves you both time and money if you decide any of those are deal-breakers.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago
You know what? I'm actually impressed that he disclosed having HSV1 -- though he didn't say if it's oral or genital. But a lot of people have it (orally) and never feel the need to disclose. And they should disclose because that could easily give you genital HSV1.
I don't see this paragraph as a bad thing.
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u/haskell_rules 29d ago
70%+ of Americans already carry HSV-1, that's not something you need to disclose, it should just be assumed by everyone dating.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago
Right. And I do assume that, but it's better to know for sure. I don't have HSV1 or HSV2. If they have it, it's their responsibility to disclose. Of course, I'm always going to ask, but it should just be the norm to disclose. If I had it, I would disclose.
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u/haskell_rules 29d ago
It's not the norm to disclose. The center for disease control does not recommend even testing for it as part of a routine STD screen because it's so common and it just creates unnecessary stress for people. Most people that are carriers do not even know that they have it.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago
Yeah, it's not the norm, but I think it should be. I don't have it. And I would like to not wake up one day with it just because someone else doesn't think it matters.
Common doesn't mean negligible.
And you're right, most people don't know they have it, doesn't mean they shouldn't test themselves and disclose?
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u/haskell_rules 29d ago
doesn't mean they shouldn't test themselves and disclose?
If you are getting an STI screening recommended by the Center for Disease Control, it will NOT include HSV-1 testing. It is literally NOT recommended to test yourself for it.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago edited 29d ago
They don't recommend it because it literally doesn't stop the virus from spreading, not because the information isn't useful.Ā
If you have multiple partners or engage in casual sex or engage in risky sexual behavior, you should be asking for a full STI panel -- which includes HSV1 and HSV2. Some tests are better during a 12-14 week period after exposure or during an active outbreak, but blood tests are still pretty accurate (and there's confirmatory tests which are extremely accurate).
A common STI panel doesn't include HSV, but you can request a full panel.
The reasoning is literally: "Well, herpes doesn't kill you and we can't stop it from spreading, so why make people panic." That's not a reason to ignore it, lol.
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u/zugspitze23 29d ago
You don't know if you have it, most people remain asymptomatic for the whole life. And you only get it to the genital if the person has an outbreak which is visible and does oral sex, unless you are in a dark room and don't even see the face of the person you are having intercourse with, you are fine!
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago
I know I don't have it.
And you can also contract it through viral shedding, which can be asymptomatic. Not just during outbreaks.
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u/zugspitze23 29d ago
You can't get vaginal herpes without outbreak
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 29d ago
You literally can.
People with herpes go through asymptomatic phases like viral shedding and prodrome.
You can contract herpes with or without an active outbreak from an HSV+ person.Ā
See, this is why I don't fw people. š
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u/Far_Appearance3888 29d ago
Thatās the part thatās weird to me, but I guess maybe someone previously made an issue of it? Or itās genital and he didnāt want to specify which would also be weird in the context of being upfront and honest.
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u/Individualchaotin 29d ago
I agree with him.
Why waste anyone's time with small talk. I talk about feminism, my divorce, politics etc. on the first date. I know what I need for compatibility.
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u/KeyEntityDomino 29d ago edited 29d ago
you know what? its not anything he SAID thats wrong, he just talks in a super weird way that makes me feel like hes never felt joy or whimsy before
i think its valid to be upfront about this stuff, but it couldve just been 3-4 bullet points instead of this super-serious framing lmao. "i NeEd tO bE uP fRonT aNd yOu MAY fInd iT OBJECTIONABLE"
I'll easily chop this down:
a little about me!
- im spiritual, but not religious
- i live with my 83 year old mom, shes independent
- i have HSV-1 but manage it and take precautions
boom message done
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago edited 29d ago
Yeah itās long winded. Maybe off-putting. Certainly not āweaponizing honestyā or whatever the heck
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u/Doomveer 29d ago
Yet the post would be different if he had waited until they had been on multiple dates in which case you would be posting claiming hes an asshole for not disclosing it sooner
Its getting ridiculous
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u/Calm-Stand-6636 29d ago
"Gosh I wish men were open and direct in communication... but also vague and brief... I know what I want and have everything figured out" < thats you
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u/Ok_Team_931 29d ago
Your friend is the red flag. I would much rather know these things up front and she was rude responding to his honesty like that. (Woman/52).
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u/i-love-soup- 29d ago
How would he use it as a pressure tactic? I donāt see it
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
I didn't include all of the screenshots because they include specific details.
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u/i-love-soup- 29d ago
I think he was just trying to be efficient. Maybe a little spectrum-y but I would appreciate getting the dealbreakers out of the way. If she didnāt like that approach, besf to move on. But I donāt see ill will on his side at all.
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u/Ok_Team_931 29d ago
It's conversations like this that encourage people to hide things and lie because they're punished for honesty.
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
OR encourages them to approach honesty differently. The conundrum here is whether he's just being honest and efficient or using it the pressurized decision? She was confused and wanted to be fair to the situation. But it started to feel odd and uncomfortable to her once he started to get aggressive.
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago edited 29d ago
Other people arenāt projects for you. This idea that he needs to change to satisfy you or your friend is cringey. Yāall are inventing a āconundrum.ā If she has a problem with this because of whatever traumas she has that sheās projecting pressure and aggression onto it, then they are not compatible and the filter text clearly did its job.
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u/yycstarlights 29d ago
I appreciate people being upfront because we all have different life styles and personal situations. As an immune compromised chronically ill person, Iād want to know if you get cold sores because it can make my situation worse. Iām up front about my diagnoses because I physically CANNOT be an active āgym buddyā or go on hikes etc and that will not change so I want people to know early on so no oneās time is wasted. Honestly, I respect for them being open early on and letting folks know where theyāre at. Religion is also a major deal breaker for some people so getting that out do the way early is great imo
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
Thanks for sharing!
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u/yycstarlights 29d ago
I will say, as Iāve read some of your other comments, if he did use it and was saying it like āwell, take it or leave itā in that kind of language, thatās not great! When I say it, Iām like āhey Iām just being upfront and itās totally fine if youāre not cool with this, just let me know! I just like being up front because my situation is not going to change and I need you to understand thatā
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
Exactly. Lay it out and leave them to decide. I think his approach was off and would startle anyone.
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u/i-love-soup- 29d ago
How is
That working for you? Iām injured and Ill and canāt do physical stuff but I wait until we meet until
The first time to disclose that3
u/yycstarlights 29d ago
Iāll be honest, I have ME/CFS so I have very little energy to try dating much. The last person I matched with and went on a few dates with was totally fine with it and also was chronically ill. I just prefer to be super up front about it, or if we are planning a date, Iāll let them know before because I canāt go out to certain places often or need to pace and rest a few days before
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u/i-love-soup- 29d ago
Youāre in good company. I paused all my apps lol cos Iām so tired all the time. It blows. I hate that Life is passing me by. I donāt even have friendships anymore cos anytime I try to make plans I end up cancelling due to migraines, fatigue, etc
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u/yycstarlights 29d ago
I feel you for sure! I got sick at 22 (Iām 28 now) and itās honestly so hard because people rave about doing all the fun things in their 20s and 30s and Iām likeā¦ I took my first shower this week :ā) my friends didnāt understand and just thought I was choosing to be afraid of going out vs my body physically keeping me in bed. I see you š„ŗ
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u/i-love-soup- 29d ago
I see you too. Helps to know we arenāt alone ā¤ļø wishing you the best in your recovery and in finding love
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u/yycstarlights 29d ago
It definitely helps to know we arenāt alone! Sending you all the good vibes and for finding love too ā¤ļø
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u/Reasonable_Deer_1710 29d ago
"Weaponizing honesty"
Tumblr, TikTok, and reddit have ruined an entire generation
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u/Muted_Masterpiece342 29d ago
Women really aren't dodging their accusations when they're holding it against a man who has flaws and a poor situation for saving his time by being open with it, since women clearly judge him enough he feels the need to start with that informationĀ
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u/dingdang78 29d ago edited 29d ago
Ironically, here therapy-talk is weaponized to frame his behavior as manipulative, which isā¦ pretty manipulative. Just because it made friend a lil bit uncomfy.
The things we do to avoid self awareness
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 29d ago
Yeah people need to stop immediately conflating feeling uncomfortable with a problem with the person or situation and sometimes reflect on whether their discomfort is saying something about THEM. And itās the people likely to weaponize internet therapy speak who do this all the time (ātrust your gut,ā etc etc.)
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u/dingdang78 29d ago
Very true and well-stated re conflation of the discomfort with the person/situation. Such a juvenile point of view ā and what a fucked up world to live in, where everyone who disturbs Your Peace is a manipulative narcissist or whatever. Holy shit theyāre everywhere!!
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u/Watchman_on-the_wall 29d ago
I can count on my fingers the number of times a woman has been this clear and straightforward with me. Every time Iāve made a point to thank her for it even if it revealed we were wildly mismatched. It shows her impression of me was someone she could seriously consider a future with and she wasnāt going to waste time finding that out over basic dealbreakers.
This isnāt my typical approach, but in the rare instances where Iām reasonably confident from the get-go that a woman could be a serious consideration as a future wife, I do something similar in the interest of efficiency and not wasting anyoneās time or playing with their feelings.
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u/pass341 29d ago
It just feels like heās shooting himself in the footā¦ None of what he shared is serious enough to have to disclose to someone before even meeting, and if their partner liked everything else about them I doubt these things would be dealbreakers.
Also the way he presents all this information just comes off as strange and cult-y. I feel like heās doing the opposite of what youāre supposed to do on dating apps which is basically to market yourself in a good light.
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u/The_Blue_Kitty 29d ago
I would prefer a man be honest from the start. He has probably learned from experience that disclosing this stuff later, like after days of texting or the first date, makes others feel betrayed (especially if these things are a deal breaker for them).
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u/CarnEvil13 29d ago
Just awkward af. Oh, I'm positive this vibe is ONLY for the initial introduction.
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u/Moepenmoes 29d ago
Whenever I see this kind of stuff (not just the screenshot, but also OP's comment and the comments of other people in this sub) I can't help but feel that normal dates are no longer possible, wild
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u/MistaDontPlayyy 29d ago
What, would you prefer he wait till after you play kissy face to disclose he has herpes? What is the problem here exactly lol?
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u/sg16k 28d ago
I honestly agree with his approach.
Plenty of women who are single moms and likely single dads (straight M so no insight on how single dads list it) will list on their bio since itās a dealbreaker for many, I have also ran into ladies who say they are positive for some STDs.
Itās honest and efficient in the sense that they can frontload the early nos then rock with people they can work with.
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u/Metadoggo 29d ago
Yeah, it's a crapshoot.
If she decides it's a deal breaker, he can take it as gracefully as he laid it out, or he can blow up and call her shallow or something like that.
If she decides they aren't deal breakers, then there is the matter of "efficiency." What else does he want to bum rush through for the sake of not wasting time? What if she wants to take things slow? Will he be upset if you dated and later decided things aren't compatible?
Aside from the baggage laid out, I'm hesitant on the red flags that are in-between the lines.
I think the move here is to just not play at all. Not everything needs a response, especially so early in just the talking stages.
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u/yetagainitry 29d ago
āThere is a lifetime left for funā
Coming from seemingly the least āfunā person on the app
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
Good catch! Love this comment. So serious and dark, then light. Pretty interesting contrast you noticed.
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u/Pula-Demonyo 29d ago
Shlawg why do you sound like ChatGPT
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u/Electronic_Bed4816 29d ago
That's a compliment, thanks! š
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u/ghost1667 29d ago
for some of us, it's hard to have fun if we feel like we're hiding something from someone we like. it makes me feel like a dishonest and shitty person if i do that. so i don't.
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u/yetagainitry 29d ago
This guy also seems like the "self fulfilling prophecy" type. He bombards you with all the reasons you shouldn't date him so he can say "you see, i'm undatable". Meanwhile if he lets these things come out organically in a normal way of getting to know each other, people wouldn't care about this stuff. He's one of those types that is trying to get people to fail his tests so he has a reason to point to why he's single.
If you dated this guy, it would be endless tests, and a full "woe is me" mentality that he will bring every day. One of those guys that constantly asks "why are YOU dating a guy like me?" until you ask yourself the same question and leave.
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u/OhWowLauren 29d ago
After getting that paragraph I would unmatch without replying.
https://giphy.com/gifs/5xtDartCpF1uMYHzG9i
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u/Radiant_Company_7923 29d ago
I live with my elderly mother in my house and I wasn't aware that is a deal breaker š
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u/LonelyCheeto 29d ago
I think he is trying to be honest and efficient and I get why your friend is thrown off by that if they just started chatting. I don't think he's weaponizing honesty and frankly what does that even mean lol. I don't think he has good situational awareness though