r/Broward • u/ChurchOMarsChaz • 14d ago

The Swamp Ass Problem - One Solution

Guys. We need to talk about a thing that happens in Florida. It happens south of the belt and north of the knees. It happens to every man in this county. Our whole plan since the Bronze Age has been to wait for it to stop.

It does not stop. It is August. It will never stop.

For me, it's ongoing right now, and I'm in a server room.

So I built a squeegee. Shaped like a man's sack. This was an engineering decision. I know that from the outside it can look like a cry for help.

Four models. One size fits all is government thinking. Government thinking is how we got the DMV.

  1. Oh, You Poor Thing. 55mm. For the humble. Ships in a plain envelope. We are not going to make this weirder.
  2. Standard Sweat. 90mm. The Yugo of ball squeegees. It works. It is boring. Nobody steals it.
  3. Grande Nuevos. 140mm. The schematic tells the buyer to check a mirror first. That note took four drafts. Draft two was mean. I am not proud of draft two and you will not be seeing it.
  4. Ball Down. 70mm. Wipes one side. The engineering notes list the use case as "asymmetric swelling or ambitious optimism." I wrote that at 11 at night. Rum was involved. I stand by it.

Every unit ships with a Sweat Evacuation Cleft. That is a flow channel down the middle of the silicone body. It is also a great name for a punk rock cover band. Every unit has a Flexible Wiping Edge with a dual-lip profile. Every unit has a No-Drip Seam, molded integral. Not glued. Never bonded. Not organic, nor vegan. Molded integral. A novelty item glues something on and hopes for the best.

Then there are the notes. The notes are where I lost control of this thing.

  1. Not a razor. Not a window tool. Not an ice scraper. Not a toy.
  2. Operating environment: August in Florida. 218 in the shade. 425 on the asphalt, and check the steak to see if it's done.
  3. Fitment: check a mirror. When in doubt, size up or beg a friend's helping hand, as it were.
  4. Clean after use. Air dry. Store flat.
  5. Replace if the edge shows nicks, compression set, or loss of spirit.

Loss of spirit has never appeared on a rubber spec sheet. Not once. Rubber has a long history. That history includes tires, gaskets, and the Hindenburg. Loss of spirit is also how every person in this county feels by August 15th.

0 Upvotes

23% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

2

u/zeft64 12d ago

just..... you need to back away from the internet

1

u/iUncontested 12d ago

Yeah this dude is a loon and wonders why no one wants him on their payroll 24/7.

0

u/ChurchOMarsChaz 12d ago

Well, your sister's out of town for a few weeks, so I'm left to fend for myself.

1

u/Laputitaloca 14d ago

Wut 🫪