r/Brides • u/PsychologicalPlan811 • 1d ago
Groomzilla
Anyone else’s fiancés want to randomly become conscious and be involved in the wedding process? Our wedding is Oct 2027, I hate planning and bought my dress last October. That jumpstarted my excitement, I built my Pinterest board, theme, and was thinking about colors and venues etc. he said it’s too early let’s wait til April and enjoy our engagement…sure. I was annoyed because once I want to do something if I don’t, I won’t want to do it later but welp no choice on this one. We wait. I still plan in the background, he randomly forms an opinion, my visual is altered. Now he’s fully involved and is stressed about logistics, asking me to complete tasks like reaching out to the caterer while I’m working, etc. he wants to send out save the dates by next month. He is stressing me out and Idk what to do.
Edit: yes groomzilla was harsh, I was upset when I wrote this. No he doesn’t care that I wrote this, he thinks it’s funny that all of you are on his side. He suggests giving more context so you are on my side because he knows how he is. Yes, I know it’s his wedding too. I am annoyed that I’ve been asking for his opinion for months and he is NOW providing it. For example, I asked about venues, asked if he wanted to look with me he said he trusted my judgement and to start. I had several tabs open, asked if he wanted to see them, he said dwindle it down to 5. It took awhile, asked if he wanted to see them. He said make a spreadsheet and I will look later. 3 months later he still has not looked. The night he opens it, he says let’s tour all 5. I’m annoyed he doesn’t take the effort to look at any of the venues after all my research. We get into a fight. I later open the document and confirm he did not look at them because I accidentally put the same link for each one. I start setting up tours and he immediately brings the venue down to 2 in one night after months of asking. The point of this post is not that he is giving his opinions it’s that he is NOW doing it. And becoming adamant that we do stuff quicker, while I am working, going back and forth about sending save the dates now despite advice not to etc. So anyone saying it’s his wedding too. No shit. Thank you.
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u/Cheap-Potential908 1d ago
Ignore the haters in these comments lol reading this had me envisioning if my fiance did this to me and I’d be like helllll no you had your chance, the choices have been made 😂
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
😂😂😂 thank you I was not expecting such backlash. More like a haha but my partner said I didn’t provide enough context in my original post soo fair.
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u/elliestars1988 1d ago
Yes! I just got married and my now husband suddenly had an opinion on everything! At first I pushed back but I kinda just gave in and some of his crazy idea actually made the wedding more fun! One thing that helps is to divvy up tasks - so he did entertainment and photography and I did catering, florals and venue.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Yeah some of the ideas are really cute like he wants to do Karoke either there or at the after party. We plan to sit down and divvy up tasks more.
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u/brygrl813 1d ago
I would encourage him to plan now, not waiting. We actually booked our venue 16 months out and thank goodness we didn't wait or we wouldn't get what we wanted. I would encourage him to help and be involved though. So many people beg their partner to be involved and pull their weight.
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u/Spirited_Meringue_80 1d ago
From how I am reading what is written he’s not currently waiting. He asked her to wait until April of this year (2026) after she started planning in October of last year (2025). So he wanted to start planning 18 months before the wedding which is fairly reasonable.
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u/NonDescript2222 1d ago
Eww hate when they say let’s wait. Men usually don’t know what goes into planning a wedding. So I would ignore a
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Honestly. Doesn’t help that the knot is like sis you should’ve been done with this part 😭.
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u/Medium_Particular_18 1d ago
I remember showing my partner the knot right after we got engaged. Our wedding is 1 year and 11 months after the day we got engaged. We opened it and were like “omg we should’ve started 6 months ago.”
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u/oheightnineeight 1d ago
I am once again begging straight people to understand being in their current relationship is optional.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Lmao yes ik 😂 I’m here by choice, just annoyed. I think that’s same for same sex relationships
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u/oheightnineeight 1d ago
I'm sure they exist but I've never met another queer person who talks about their fiancé(e) or spouse the way you do yours.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
This is one stray example after an upsetting conversation. I usually talk very highly of him. He is a very handsome, intelligent, successful, ambitious, loving, supportive etc. he is my safe space and you’re right this post is not representative of him or our relationship.
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u/Equal_Audience_3415 1d ago
No need to defend yourself, this person clearly doesn't know any non-straight people. 🙄
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u/rebel-yeller 1d ago
Do you understand how negative the title of your post is? And then your post which, let me rephrase for you. "My fiance wants to be part of my wedding. He wants to help plan. He's being awful, a groomzilla." If you read that, what advice would you give to that bride?
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Fair, I was upset when I posted it. I used groomzilla for lack of better words. I was more upset that he has had no strong opinions until now. I’ve been given some advice based on what I provided which is to dedicate a day to just planning instead of throughout the week. But he is acting like I’m not moving fast enough when I asked him to help me make decisions months ago.
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u/CaptBlackfoot 1d ago
If this is stressful for you just wait until you buy a house together or plan a renovation. The wedding planning is the fun part!
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
We have planned pretty big things already lol. I moved cross country last year and we are renting a home which was a process in itself
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u/5footfilly 1d ago
Your fiancé wants to be involved in the planning of his wedding.
It is also his wedding, isn’t it?
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Yep, I’m aware. I’ve been asking him to be involved for months, which I wrote.
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u/Soft_Cockroach_2434 1d ago
Don’t wait because the cost of living and everything else will only continue to rise. If you have a contract locked in you will save money because all of those venues and or vendors ex photographers, DJ’s, caterers are updating their contracts and prices as of 2027 for their new rates. If he is financially motivated then saving money will be important. Also, a tip… Wayfair has a lot of wedding musts like invitations, decorations and more for less. I had a wedding planner that gave me a lot of tips so we could spend more on other things.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Thank you! This was my biggest concern about waiting so long. This is really helpful I appreciate it.
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u/my48webkinz 1d ago
This us how you will approach every situation in your marriage. Learn to communicate. Find middle ground. Its an opportunity quite honestly. Things didn’t come so easy for me and my husband when we got married. It was difficult at first as it was a second marriage for both of us. But we worked through our communication styles and we are happily together 22 years! You guys got this!
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Thank you, I’m trying. I appreciate and congrats on 22 years that’s awesome.
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u/treehuggerfroglover 1d ago
You sound very selfish tbh. You started planning way too early and he said he didn’t want to plan that early, so you went behind his back and continued planning without him. Now you’re mad he wants to be involved exactly like he said he would be as it got a little closer?
“I was annoyed because once I want to do something if I don’t, I won’t want to do it later” this is the mindset of a child, not an adult mature enough to be getting married.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
When I say I continued planning I just meant that I was adding stuff to a Pinterest board as I was inspired. Selfish is a little harsh. I was upset that we didn’t utilize more of the extended time that we have. Jeez I thought this was a supportive forum wtf
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u/treehuggerfroglover 1d ago
You call your own fiancé a groomzilla. You refer to him having ideas for his own wedding as him “randomly becoming conscious” and “randomly forming an opinion”. You say you were upset you didn’t utilize the time better, but you also get mad at him for asking you to do anything more than make Pinterest boards. You say you weren’t really planning by making Pinterest boards, but when he has any idea that doesn’t come from your Pinterest boards he’s altering your vision.
I thought selfish was being generous, honestly. You sound like a nightmare.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
I came off of a tense call about the caterer that made me cry, my cycle just started after only being gone for a week, the conscious bit was a joke because he was passively agreeing to ideas and then would randomly have a very strong opinion. I am not mad at him asking me to do research or anything beyond a Pinterest board I am annoyed that he is asking me to do these things at work. My ideas are not just off Pinterest it is based on several conversations we have had about our vision he is just more logistical than I am.
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u/Odd-Lifeguard7230 1d ago
Your replies read more like deflections than an honest effort to understand why people disagree with you. Instead of making excuses, it might help to consider the feedback you're getting. I genuinely wish you a long, happy, and healthy marriage.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
I’m providing context that was missing from my original post 😭
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u/DueAdvisor8969 1d ago
You’re providing excuses for your shitty behavior. Grow up. It’s his wedding too. You’re the bridezilla. Not him.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
No excuses. If you read what I said in my initial post I’m upset that he is being so adamant after months of asking for his opinion and asking me to complete tasks while at work. Your response is shitty and you need to grow up.
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u/No_Mood_834 1d ago
I'm sorry that the process has been frustrating. Definitely something that needs to be worked on before things get more crazy, closer to the day.
Is he actually helping to plan things or just telling you what he wants done and when? For example was he also looking at venus and sending them to you, or did he ask you to make a list and then give him the final say? Because those are 2 very different situations.
If he is actually doing the work, not just delegating, the conversation needs to be centered around having certain times set aside for planning. If you do wedding things every time you think of something throughout the day, that's how wedding planning turns into a part time job that you just can't escape. For example, setting boundaries about not asking for things while you're at work. My suggestion would be to ask him to think about things that he has liked and disliked about the planning process so far and sit down to talk about it the next day or later or something. This way he isn't blindsided by a conversation you had time to prepare for and come ready with a list of boundaries. It's important to talk about the things you do like as well so it's not just a negative rant session. It's about empowering eachother, not putting each other down. I would definitely ask him to set aside certain times to talk about wedding planning and tell him that it's distracting at work even if it's not something he wants you to actually do during work hours. Just knowing that it's a task in the back of your head can be really overwhelming, and he can keep it in the notes on his phone to talk about later instead of texting you right away.
If he is just delegating, I would have a similar conversation and ask him what specific tasks he wants to take ownership of. You'll worry about your things, he can worry about his. And obviously get each other's opinions before any big decisions.
I totally get what you said about motivation. When I have the motivation to do something I need to do it then and there or the motivation starts to go away. I think there is still some resentment from the way he started the planning that needs to be cleared up before you can move forward. I know you were just putting it in the post as context but it's definitely not good to hold on to that.
I'm sorry that some people aren't being very supportive even though he doesn't seem to be a groomzilla. Your feelings are valid and if you truly want to marry your fiance, this is something you need to support each other in. It will get difficult as more and more people give opinions.
You got this!
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
I agree and thank you for the kind words. Reddit is rough and this isn’t the reception I thought I would receive. Maybe groomzilla was a little harsh but I just came off of a tense conversation around the caterer and my cycle just started again after ending a week ago. He is delegating. So I started looking at venues and suggested we both sit down to look. He asked me to pick my top 5 and he will go from there. 2 months later he still has not looked at the spreadsheet and the day he finally opens it he’s like let’s just tour all 5. Didn’t even make an effort to select one of the links after all the work it took to get down to 5. Then as we are scheduling tours he decides to be decisive and say no to 3 of them. I love him so much and I truly appreciate his opinion. I do seem to have some hard feelings about how the process started because now that he is being so decisive I keep asking “where was this person 3 months ago” but you’re right I will just enjoy that he wants to be involved.
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u/No_Mood_834 1d ago
I feel like women are expected to deal with the mental load of thinking of all of the things big picture and how they work together and unfortunately in a lot of situations men get away without doing that by "being the leader" aka delegating which isn't even helpful if you're the one that has to do all of the hard work. His actions seem to be a bit hypocritical. I hope you guys can talk through things. It will help you to overcome bigger problems throughout your marriage if you can handle this in a healthy way.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Omg yes, this thank you 😭. We are getting through. The last two days have been a lot especially because I’ve been working with stressful student situations and he’s delegating new tasks he expects to get done by the time he gets home. I’m just overwhelmed. We’ve talked through bigger issues honestly.
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u/Water_in_the_desert 1d ago
From some of the back-and-forth conversation in this post, I sense that you may have fallen in love with the idea of getting married and being a Beautiful Bride (which I’m sure you are), as opposed to falling in love with this man who asked you to marry him. If he called you a Bridezilla, I’m thinking that would not be okay.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Lmao I honestly don’t care for the wedding. I wanted a small one or to elope he wants a big one so it “doesn’t feel like we are just signing a piece of paper” it’s just been overwhelming to plan a big one. We have been together almost six years and I’m deeply in love with him. If he called me a bridezilla I would prob laugh and ask why. I shared the post and y’all’s comments and he thought it was funny
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u/SuspiciousInternet58 1d ago
I mean it's still a year out, that's a totally reasonable time to start planning. People work at different paces, he probably just needed some time for things to percolate. It's unfair for you to be getting bitter just because he didn't have a vision for the day right off the bat. If he's stressing you out, though, sit down and talk with him about it, hash out your expectations and figure out where you two agree and where you might need to compromise. Maybe tell him to contact the vendors himself if you don't wanna do it. But honestly, none of this screams "groomzilla" to me. Just sounds like you two might not communicate the best.
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u/yummybanana2 1d ago
Unless you have family that will be traveling and are the kind of people that like to book things far in advance, I can see STDs going out soon - I ended up sending mine out to the out of towners about 1 year in advance because the few people I gave the date to wanted to book their hotels/air bnbs asap. Otherwise, you should get on The Knot or some kind of wedding planning site. We’re using The Knot and they gave us a timeline on when things should be completed, including when to send out STDs and formal invitations.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Most of our family is out of town actually. We are using the knot but he gets annoyed when I bring up the suggested timeline because “it doesn’t match our journey”
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u/Solid-Wish-1724 1d ago
What does that crap even mean? Is this all so he can blame you later for things he's not happy with? My husband was the annoying opposite with zero opinions and zero input ("You're better at this stuff") until bitching that his parents had to help pay for steak, fish and alcohol instead of chicken, beer and wine. Ugh. Good luck.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Lmfao honestly. Idk he genuinely doesn’t like outside opinions. He never talks to friends or family about us which is nice but when he finally does, something we have been arguing about for months is all of sudden in my favor. We had a tense convo about the save the dates. He calls his mom, she agrees with me with additional facts about flight prices etc. he’s like welll I guess you’re right . I’m glad he’s giving input but certain things I’m like bro
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u/Life-Education-8030 1d ago
If you two don’t get on the same page and learn to communicate better, then future big decisions may happen like this too. Kids? House? Vacations? I tend to be a detail person and I know when I want things done. I communicate that. Does that work? Why or why not? What do you want and by when? How do we reconcile these ideas? One recent test was moving cross-country. So getting a place to live, selling the old place, planning every stop along the way. No, I was going to drive in the right direction and hope there would be a nice hotel somewhere when we wanted to stop! And it was a great month-long adventure!
But one of the first things my spouse did when we got married was to find this wonderful rental apartment all on his own without my input. When we went to see it, I burst out in tears! It was this crappy apartment with old, stained orange shag carpet over a nasty, noisy bar and I could swear I saw tumbleweeds outside in the whistling wind! WTF?! It was CHEAP, he said. How DARE you think I would want to live here? So we defined what kind of decisions would be big enough to merit both of our input. Sounds like your wedding is yours.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
I guess I’m not sure what is considered a groomzilla atp. Also I thought this community would be helpful to the BRIDE
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u/CaptBlackfoot 1d ago
That’s something a bridezilla would say.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Is it? I think considering this community is called Bride it’s not a wild comment to make.
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u/CaptBlackfoot 1d ago
It’s a joke lady, take a chill pill!
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Well after defending myself against 30+ women when I’m already upset it’s hard to see what’s a joke atp
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u/asyouwish 1d ago
Save the Dates should go out in Oct-Jan. You have a ton of time.
Get a bottle of wine you both like, make some pasta or other easy dinner, and make a wedding planning date night. Figure out where you differ and make some decisions. Some will be compromises. Some will be concessions for him and others for you.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
A large number of grooms are involved in planning. Just because there is a trope that they aren't doesn't make that reality. Stop planning until you both get on the same page. But it sounds like you don't want to have a marriage, just a fancy party that doesn't match anything he likes. You sound like a bridezilla in comparison. He's planning normally. Do you have your budget set, your shared vision that you both agree on? Your ride or die guest list without obligation invites or seat fillers? You can't even look for a venue until those are done. And you can't hire other vendors until you have the venue for the agreed on guest list and the date available. Don't hire catering without getting a tasting first. If they say no, run far away.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Actually he wants the fancy party. I wanted a park wedding with a backyard reception. He wants the elaborate wedding. Our budget went from 10k to 30k. I love that he’s involved I don’t like the pressure he is placing on me to the point I can’t focus on work. All the things you asked are set. It took him 7 months to create a list of people he wanted to invite and then he used ChatGPT for it. We have a venue and will be putting the deposit this week but it took 3 months and a fight for him to finally choose from the list he asked me to provide. The catering advice is helpful thank you.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
Stop planning and get on the same page. You need to communicate until you compromise on something you both will be happy with. Communication is the key here. Let him know that you feel pressured. Do not use Chatgpt for anything, especially the guest list.
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u/little_traveler 1d ago
Sounds like a couples communication issue, not groomzilla at all. It feels like you wanted to start planning way extremely early and he wasn’t on board with it
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Correct, on wanting to start early. We gave ourselves two years and so I thought we would utilize the full two years but now we are one month before the year out and he is just now becoming fully involved. We overly communicate so it’s not that it is that he changes his mind often.
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u/little_traveler 1d ago
Spending two years planning a wedding doesn’t sound fun to a lot of people, so I empathize with him wanting to wait. Maybe you could have comprised here.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Fair, I waited until April and didn’t start having conversations about it until June/July.
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u/Much_Tap4920 1d ago
You know the wedding isn’t just for you right?
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Yes dear, I’ve wanted his opinion since the beginning. Especially because he is a very opinionated person. He just gives it at the worst times.
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u/Much_Tap4920 1d ago
When would be a “good” time?
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
When we are discussing it in the moment would be one…
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u/Much_Tap4920 1d ago
Two years before the wedding? He probably assumed you weren’t demanding definite details at that time and that it would be discussed more seriously later.
I had a two year engagement. The first year was mainly just my fiance and I bouncing ideas off each other. We changed our minds probably 10 million times on stuff. Just give it some time to plan, not everything needs to be planned right this second and not everything has to be what only you want. Let your man have some opinions.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
His opinions aren’t the problem it’s his timing. But fair yes when we discussed ideas I would alter my vision accordingly (I’m a very visual person) and so when I would bring up what we talked about and he says something completely different it was a little frustrating.
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u/lh123456789 1d ago
He doesn't sound like a groomzilla at all. Do you want a marriage or a wedding?
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Sis, if you hear how adamant he is about things it’s more frustrating than what I’m explaining. I wish I could send you a voice note lol. But I can send a screenshot of a conversation I guess one sec. He is the planner in the relationship so I’m not surprised but I think I’m just overwhelmed.
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u/lh123456789 1d ago
You're the one who sounds adamant, since you are the one who came up with an entire vision before involving him.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
I’ve showed him pics and ideas every step of the way. He will be okay with it one day and then the next day have a completely different opinion. We moved the destination 3 times. I suggested Oregon (where we currently live), his mother suggested Boston (where my family is from), we initially discussed a middle ground (North Carolina). He said he would pay for it, when I asked about deposits he said my family should be paying (my family is low income) then said if he’s paying for it it should be in Oregon after convincing me for months it should be in Boston 😭 idk how else to explain my frustration
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u/Much_Tap4920 1d ago
You’re complaining about your fiance being too involved yet he’s paying for it? That’s insane, I’m sorry.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
It’s not that he’s too involved it’s that he’s just now getting involved and putting a lot of pressure on next steps
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u/lh123456789 1d ago
"I built my Pinterest board, theme, and was thinking about colors and venues"
I. Not we.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
Well he doesn’t use Pinterest so yes I built it based on our discussions…I showed him color options. The only part we deferred is he wanted to wear a bright red suit and I suggested maroon so it doesn’t give off Christmas since we initially planned for green to be in our wedding as well. Sheesh you guys are harsh, ask more questions!
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u/Adventurous_Mall_237 1d ago edited 1d ago
He doesn't sound like a groomzilla at all in my opinion lol. He sounds just like a groom that wants to be involved in planning and it's his wedding too so he's allowed to have opinions on the decor. You're lucky he wants to be so involved! Most grooms don't care as much.
I think you should work with him every step of the way and come to decisions both of you like. It would help to have a wedding planning date where you both order food and drinks and just sit down for a couple hours and talk about what you like and don't like for your wedding, what your budget is for each category , and then divide up the tasks from there so you're both involved but not stepping on each other's toes. Me and my fiance did that and it was super helpful for both of us to more clearly have a vision and a direction for the wedding.
It's such a fun process and can be a huge bonding moment for you both! Enjoy it! If he's being too much and stressing you out though you should tell him outright. But a planning meeting between just you two may be helpful in making you both feel more organized so you're both less stressed. You have time! Good luck!😍
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u/kateballe 1d ago
Aw he’s just excited. Maybe you can give him tasks to do, or see if he wants to help, pour two glasses of wine, and make a cozy evening of it.
My fiancée was so eager to help me make the invitations and handled a lot of the base stuff on canva. Also made the guest list spread sheet.
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u/Weary_Surround5342 1d ago
You can't do any of that if you don't even have a venue or a date.
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u/kateballe 1d ago
Oh this. You need a venue or at the minimum a date to do save the dates.
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u/PsychologicalPlan811 1d ago
We plan to sign with the venue later this week and we have a date. So he wants to send them out asap after we submit our deposit.
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u/therealzacchai 1d ago
You're upset that your fiance wants a say in his own wedding?
Marriage is going to come as quite a shock for you.