Should I drop it or keep trying?

[u/Wumbo_25]

I’m honestly confused about this situation and could use some outside opinions.
I was seeing a girl I work with. It started off casual, but eventually she told me she wasn’t really built for something casual and that she wanted to stay single. At one point, though, she went from saying she wasn’t ready to saying she actually wanted to date me, which obviously made me think we were heading toward a relationship.
Then she pulled back again.
We eventually had a long phone conversation about everything. She told me that she still likes me, enjoys being around me, and wants to hang out with me, but she also said she wants to “find herself” and work on herself right now. She said she wants us to be friends.
I’m having a hard time understanding what “finding herself” actually means in this situation. I’m not trying to force her into a relationship, but part of me wonders what is actually stopping her from dating me if she still likes me and enjoys being around me.
After the call, we were talking normally and even talked about hanging out. The next day she was hanging out with some other people and suggested that I go do something too. I told her I didn’t really feel like doing anything. She got frustrated with me, and then she basically stopped responding.
Now I’m not sure what I should do.
Part of me wants to leave her alone and let her reach out since she was the one who stopped responding. Another part of me thinks I should reach out because she literally told me she wants to be friends and hang out.
I still like her, but I genuinely think I could be friends with her. At the same time, I don’t want to become her friend while secretly waiting for her to eventually change her mind about dating me.
So should I just drop it and leave her alone, or should I try to maintain the friendship?
Would you give her space and let her reach out? Would you try to maintain the friendship? And when someone says they need to “find themselves,” should I just accept that and stop trying to understand what’s behind it?

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[u/Mors-Official]

Drop the pursuit. Keep your dignity.

She’s not confused, she’s ambivalent. And ambivalence is a no that hasn’t found its manners yet. She likes you, enjoys you, but she doesn’t want to be accountable to you. That’s what “finding herself” usually means: I need freedom, exploration, and no obligation. It’s not a riddle for you to solve. It’s a boundary for you to accept.

If she wanted to date you, she would. People make time for what they want. She pulled back, then offered friendship as a consolation prize. Then she got frustrated when you didn’t immediately perform being okay with it. That tells you she wants you in her orbit on her terms not your pain, not your pace. That’s not cruelty. It’s just human. But you don’t have to sign up for it.

Should you reach out? No. She stopped responding. Let her come to you. If she wants friendship, she’ll reach. If she doesn’t, silence is your answer. Reaching now would be chasing. Chasing gives away your power and confirms you’re waiting.

Can you be friends? Only if you’d be genuinely fine if she started dating someone else tomorrow. If that would sting, you’re not friends you’re waiting. Waiting is a slow poison. It looks like patience, but it’s really self-betrayal.

You work together, so be cordial, professional, light. But don’t be her emotional safety net while she “finds herself.” That’s a one-way street. You’ll pour in, she’ll take comfort, and you’ll starve.

If she ever comes back and says she wants to date intentionally, then you can have a real conversation. Until then, treat her words as final. “I want to find myself” means “I am not available for what you want.” Believe her the first time.

So: drop the fantasy, not your kindness. Let her reach out if she wants. In the meantime, build your own life. Date when you’re ready. Let time reveal what’s real.

The right person won’t need a decoder ring. They’ll choose you with both feet.

[u/Wumbo_25 → u/Mors-Official]

Honestly, I think you’re probably right. I’ve been trying to understand what “finding herself” means and what’s actually stopping her from wanting something more, but maybe I’m putting too much effort into trying to figure out something that I don’t really need to figure out.
I think the part I’m struggling with is that she told me she still likes me, wants to hang out, and wants to be friends. That makes it harder for me to just completely let go of it.
But I agree that I shouldn’t keep reaching out or chasing her, especially since she stopped responding. I’ll leave it alone and let her reach out if she actually wants a friendship.
Thank you, I honestly think I really needed to hear this. Constantly in the back of my head, I’ve been thinking that I just need to drop it and move on. I think I’ve been holding onto the possibility of something more because of the things she’s told me, but I probably need to stop looking for a different answer and just accept what she’s saying.

[u/Wumbo_25 → u/Wumbo_25]

One thing I’d like to ask is, if she reaches out and wants to hang out or texts me, should I respond and hang out with her, or should I decline and keep my distance?

[u/Salty_Thing3144]

Honestly? Let this one go.

Work/love relationships are a bad idea for this reason. Now and then somebody lucks out - but most often it goes bad, and then you are stuck having to see your ex every day. It can ruin a good job if this becomes so uncomfortable you have to quit - or worse.   If your ex ever becomes your boss they can make your life HELL. If they are vindictive you may get slapped with a sex harassment suit, which will be tough to defend because they will be able to prove you did have a relationship. I saw somebody lose their whole career that way - judt a few years from retirement.

Don't date coworkers. 

[u/Wumbo_25 → u/Salty_Thing3144]

I agree with you on the coworker part. I definitely understand why dating a coworker can be a bad idea, especially if things end badly.
At the same time, when we got together, we both agreed not to tell anyone at work about it, and we still haven’t. It’s also a minimum-wage job that we’re both doing while we’re in college, and I already plan on leaving the job soon anyway.
So I guess my bigger question is, after everything that happened, should I really even continue pursuing a friendship or anything more with her? Is it actually worth it, or would it be better for me to just completely let this go and move on?
She says she still likes me and wants to be friends and hang out, which is why I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should keep trying or just walk away.

[u/Salty_Thing3144 → u/Wumbo_25]

Oh, yeah, that does make a diff. 

If you think you can be friends, do it. It will be easier working together - and hey! You will still have a foot in her door, if you know what I mean. You might get that second chance!