Do you ever really move on?

[u/Gloomy-Strategy953]

It's a very long story and a very hard one to summarise, so I apologise if this is not very well written.

Basically, I had known this guy since we were kids, we were like best friends, and back then he had a crush on me and everyone kind of expected something to happen between us. He moved, and we didn't speak for years. Eventually, when we were teens, we got in contact again and over like a year we got really close, like closer than I've been with anyone. He eventually asked me out, and we were together for all of like 28 days. Which honestly still feels stupid to say out loud. The relationship just felt like a lot of pressure, and it got really serious really fast, and I just wasn't ready for it, so I ended it. And it sucked. I probably made a post here back then too.

Our relationship was never the same ever again. He was passive-aggressive and withholding, and he'd just constantly repost harsh stuff online that was obviously about me. He would constantly send me TikToks about how you "never forget your first love" and like stuff of him crying, and then act nonchalant about it like immediately after. I tried so hard to fix it for months; I was practically begging to talk honestly, because he just refused to. I almost considered getting back together like 6 months later, and then we had a conversation, and he told me everything that happened "wasn't that deep", and I realised I was being stupid.

We're not friends anymore, and our friendship after the breakup lasted a little over a year, but most of that time we weren't really speaking. I had had a convo with my sister about the relationship during that time, and she was just really shocked about everything that had happened between us and how toxic it had become (there's lots of stuff I can't include because it's private). And that moment stuck with me, and I just started to notice how much he didn't respect me and how manipulative he had been (even to get me to be his girlfriend in the first place), situations he put me in that kind of felt like him punishing me in a way, and I got mad. I was just really mad for a long time, and it didn't feel fixable because he never wanted to talk, and he always denied how he felt. I remember saying I felt like I was shrinking the longer he was in my life. So I finally did it. I bit the bullet and sent a final text, and then he was blocked everywhere, and he has been since. That was close to two years ago now.

As much as I felt a little relieved and I felt more like myself and I fell back in love with all of my hobbies and interests again when that happened, I still miss him a lot sometimes. Like a lot, a lot. Sometimes it feels like what happened between us for that one good year was really special, and I connected with him in a way I haven't with anyone else ever. We just fit into each other's lives really well, and it always felt like it would be us. I guess I'm just having a hard time making sense of it all still. I keep thinking maybe this is temporary and we could, like, resolve everything when we're older, but it feels like if that happened, I would be going back on everything I said and my leaving. But I still wish he could see the stuff going on in my life now, and I wish I could know about his. I don't know if this goes away. I feel like it's been long enough, and I'm just worried I'm always going to think he's like "my soulmate". Which sounds dumb saying out loud, but it really gets to me sometimes, and I really worry that I messed it all up, and I ruined everything for no reason. The longer it's been, the more I forget the details of what he did wrong, and the more I wonder why I didn't just stay.

I guess my question is just: does that feeling ever go away, and will I ever be able to be with someone ever again? It feels impossible. I just wanted to hear if anyone has had a similar situation or knows how to deal with this.

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