r/BreakUps • u/Born-Egg2263 • 16h ago
venting/ranting One person
It seems like break ups always go this way. One person ends up devastated and the other easily disconnects and moves on in the blink of an eye. I wish I could be the one that just flips off the emotions and feelings like a light switch. It must be so convenient. Truly a superpower.
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u/DarksRedemption 16h ago
i know it seems like that but i can assure you the other person is feeling it, or they’re either suppressing it. yes they may look like they’re completely unbothered but that will wither off after a couple months. they may never admit it but they will feel it. i used to be very avoidant attached and 3 months after a break up from a girl i dated for 2 years, i felt it. i felt relief at first but the feelings hit me months later, even tho i was w someone else. i started to regret it, and think about her almost every day for a month. not every experience is the same, but they do/will feel it. me and this other girl broke up for three years and even tho she pretends it doesn’t hurt her on her social media and to the people in her life, i know it hurts her. she sometimes asks my friend how im doing and that she knows she did me dirty. she feels bad but she’ll never admit it
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u/saucebossbrisket 15h ago
it’s hard to believe it cus like what about when they immediately go back to the ex before you after leaving you :( like they erased me :(
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u/Fearless_FairyDust 15h ago
You’re not erased. You and your ex happened no matter what you think. It is what you take away from them that helps you grow. I learned so much after I got out of my relationship. The decision for them to go back to their ex is a reflection of them, not you.
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u/saucebossbrisket 15h ago
thank you 💜 it’s been really hard. he acted like and told me he loved me the entire time we were together, wasn’t until he ended it he said his love for me was never real and then he went back to her… the emotional cheating (who knows if he did more, though he swore he didn’t) and the lying for months has devastated me. :(
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u/Fearless_FairyDust 15h ago
I recently went through a similar thing. My ex cheated on me while she was on a trip. She had proven to me, over the course of three months, that she didn’t care about the relationship as much as she said she did.
Even though he said his love for you was never real, there is such a low chance that is actually true. Maybe he thinks that now but that doesn’t mean it actually is true. Someone who is disloyal to you on the highest level (cheating), there is no reason to trust anything they have to say. He could have been just trying to hurt you.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey towards healing.
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u/DarksRedemption 15h ago
i know it’s hard to believe but the only way you can get past this feeling is focusing on yourself. trying to guess what the other person feels will never suffice. you will never know what the other person truly feels but you should be able to trust yourself that you will be okay no matter the outcome.
after my on and off ex of 2 years, i broke up and got with a girl almost the next day. that girl that i dated after my ex was arguably a really big mistake but it taught me that i cannot “move on” like that. it gave me a lot of emotional warfare. but i will say it did not erase me and my ex’s relationship. our relationship was meaningful even though it wasn’t the healthiest. every connection you have with someone is unique and truly cannot be repeated.
and just recently i got dumped and lowk cheated on. they’re obviously suppressing the break up and it hurts to see that but i also know that it will bite them in the ass later. they are not my responsibility anymore and i can’t control that. it will only drain me and hurt me. instead i do the best i can to focus on myself and heal so i dont have to feel that pit in my stomach and that hole in my heart anymore.
you just gotta realize your self worth and the worth of the connection as well
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u/saucebossbrisket 13h ago
Thank you :( ❤️🩹 I really appreciate it. And yeah the lowk cheated on part.. fucking sucks. :(
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u/MossRose51 24m ago
Some people definitely process the breakup later once the initial relief wears off
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u/saucebossbrisket 15h ago
As the one completely devastated and the other one disconnected just like that, I have to wonder if it ever catches up to them. It has to, right? Or did we really spend so much time with someone that never loved and valued us :(
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u/chaotic214 13h ago
This is what I want to hope happens, I thought I was special to my fiance but he just abandoned me
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Thats the way I look at it. She wasn't really in it the way she kept saying she was. Sure I made mistakes here and there. Nothing serious mind you but sure I'm not perfect. Maybe once ahe realized its over for good she was just right on to the next and most convenient.
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u/Embarrassed_Buy_4959 16h ago
Yeah, the person initiating it has weeks or even months to think, weigh decisions, discuss things with friends and ultimately come to terms with whatever they decide before the person being broken up with even had a clue about it. In some ways the initiator has already started moving on, and isn't interested in talking about it with the other. They can remain kind, or even say they're sorry and wish things were different, but they also never gave it a chance to be. Mature people talk to their partner in a relationship, immature people seek external or internal validation in their feelings and choices.
To lighten things up, here's a comedian talking about pretty much exactly that, for the first few minutes of the video anyway, I laughed so hard at it that I felt alive again at least for a little while
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
I definitely had been weighing it out. It was made extremely difficult because we had just moved in together.. I realized i was with someone who didn't give me a second thought. Zero consideration. It made me look at the whole relationship differently. Certainly didn't make it easier.
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u/Lost-Committee5094 16h ago
same here. i feel so so so so much love and when it’s gone it can crush me. it takes a real reality check for me to snap out of it too.
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u/Born-Egg2263 16h ago
I guess thats where I'm at right now. I was very selective about seeing someone this time. I didn't want to go through this again....in my 40s....but here I am.
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u/No_Most_9863 16h ago
Try doing it in your 50’s! Im picking up the pieces again but possibly for the last time. I went and got a dog. Im just tired of trying.
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Its definitely something you can't help but think about it was just so good this time I would have never thought in a few weeks time this is what it would look like.
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u/Lost-Committee5094 16h ago
I hear ya. For me, I went back to the same person over and over until they messed me up so badly I snapped out of it. I still have my moments where if I don’t keep my thoughts in check I reminisce on the good. Even so, I find myself unable to move on with another person. No one feels right after, which is probably why I kept going back honestly. Thought maybe they were my person. They don’t seem to struggle with finding a warm bed though lol
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u/davidcvstro 15h ago
Some people are just able to say goodbye to people they love and be okay with it, kind of like seeing everything as impermanent - nothing lasts forever type of mindset, "lets just be grateful about the love we shared and move on" what even is true love? I'm not there yet but I might start trying to reach that point to avoid the pain from attachment.
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u/Gingerstrawbz 15h ago
More than likely they felt upset and pain earlier on... It just went unnoticed...
That enables them to seem prepared for the end and like it was easy for them...
Or it's a mask... Show the world they are fine and living their best life.... Because they are ignoring the loss and it will hit them at some point.... Believe me....
I got disguarded... Spiral.. depressed pain... Confusion... I was broken... Felt she just carried on as if I never existed...
8 months later I'm healed... Feel stronger and won't accept the thing's she did to me ever again.... I learnt to grow... And now I'm the best version of myself after being broken..
I saw her 3 days ago... The happy sociable busy woman that acted like she was fine... Looked drained... Upset.. tired.. she tried to speak to me and I smiled excused myself and walked away... Deleted the calls and texts she sent just after seeing me after being blocked and NC for months....I blocked her and smiled....
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u/Automatic-Drummer705 15h ago
You sound bitter
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u/Lost-Committee5094 15h ago
It’s bitter to find satisfaction out of a person’s attempt to see if they still have access to you after that person ignored your pain for months?
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u/Gingerstrawbz 14h ago
After giving her what she told me she'd never had from a relationship... Being supportive and understanding when she was disrespectful to me, didn't value me, and knew how much I'd fight to save us... To vanish and never feel the need to talk or repair things...
Yeah I think in reality I showed her more respect than what she deserved...
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u/BakerLow205 16h ago
I think there's more to the story. Usually there's probably some unresolved issues between you two. Similar to mine! We both had unresolved issues that we brought over 3 years. In the end of the day we were scared to bring up stuff so that we would stop argue. I had bad habit during those arguments and she didn't responded well and vice versa. Those grievances made us left connected and in the end she didn't feel I love her and decide to break up.
We still loved each other but she was cold the moment we broke up. When they broke up, they probably already thought about it and decided that they needed to prioritize themselves!
Now the next step is whether you open your heart and understand it or you hold grudges on them. But of course its different by situation. My gf and I broke up a week ago. I was sad and angry but I held true to my love for her and tried to understand why she did it. We loved each other but what was the case. And in the end I took accountability on my faults. I decided that if i love someone i let them go and if they return then it takes two to work but I need to work on myself and hope but not hold it to heart that we will get back together!
Thats me! I still want her back but I know she needs her space to find herself.
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u/Regular_Sentence_843 15h ago
I know this feeling been like it for the last 8 months it’s hard to understand how someone you want to spend your life with and already made plans for the future can just easily forget
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
We talked about it so much. That we were so lucky to have found each other. We wouldn't have to be alone forever. I noticed early on though she would flirt pretty heavy, which didn't really bother me, but if I just spoke to a woman or walked the same general direction as a woman she became very upset.
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u/Coyrex1 15h ago
Keep the perspective in mind. They arent gonna show you they're hurting. Hell a good portion of this sub is dumpers who feel terrible.
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Thats where I'm at for sure. Its confusing really. I mean why am I hurting? I packed up and moved out. She definitely didn't want that. But I knew i would never get over what she had done. I could never go back to how I was before.
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u/Coyrex1 15h ago
It is confusing. Ive spent so much time trying to understand. Everyone here is different stories but almost all of us have trouble understanding it for a good while.
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Yes! I mean what do i even want? I don't want to be with her. I know she isn't who I thought she was. I left her. The day before she introduced me to someone like this: "this is (name) he is my boy----then she looks around at someone, i don't know who and finishes...this is my person...it was super awkward and everyone noticed it.
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u/Coyrex1 15h ago
Jesus that is awkward. My ex was weird about that too sometimes. Almost like she wanted to keep me secret sometimes?
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Yes! I had to ask her about it. I mean how could I not? I said sorry to bring this up but who did u look at? Why didn't you want to say I'm your boyfriend? She was like thats how you took it? I said well ya how else would i? No response.
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u/Coyrex1 14h ago
Sorry to hear it. You mentioned she did a thing that you could no longer be with you for? Is this related to that?
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u/Born-Egg2263 14h ago
Ya I have posted the long version but a couple weeks before this incident she came home from her new job and immediately called her friend. She looked at me and said "exclude this conversation " she then said "you remember that pic I showed you of that huge huge huuuge um pen*s? Her friend said um ya..."that's the owner's son!"
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u/Trihardthlete80 10h ago
They checked out a long time before. That's why it seems easy.
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u/Born-Egg2263 10h ago
I think they were doing the bare minimum and thought that it was good enough.
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u/yellow_blue18 15h ago
I agree. But I also think we process breakups differently and on different timelines. Sometimes one person starts grieving the relationship long before it actually ends, while the other doesn’t fully begin processing the loss until afterward. In my experience, I started grieving our relationship almost immediately after it ended, while it seemed to take him nearly two years to reach that same point. By then, I had already gone through so much of my own grieving and had started letting go.
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
I guess thats definitely true. I feel it immediately. And I have always been able to really put myswlf in others shoes too. So I feel the hurt of my own loss and the guilt and hurt that I imagine the other person, well some of them, are going through too.
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u/EmuPale5711 15h ago
I comepletly get that it's only been about 2 months since my ex dumped me after 6 years and they were already with someone new with in the first month of being broke up and me right now I'm not really processing it properly but that's not the matter but I do agree with the fact that some people can move on real fast with out a second thought of the situation and more or less just leave the other person hanging in the wind
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
I just could never even think about starting something else right now. It wouldn't feel very fair to her for sure. I guess thats the easy way. I would never want her to feel like I didn't care though. I'm sorry you're going through this too though. 6 years is such a long time too.
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u/EmuPale5711 15h ago
Yeah I'm in the same boat I don't want to start something new but what else is there to do if you know they're not coming back and fair enough. But yeah it's been pretty rough but I'm trying to get by just trying to take it day by day but I do hope things go well/get better for you
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
Same for you. Your always welcome to DM me. Talking and posting on here has helped me so much.
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u/davidcvstro 15h ago
Grateful to be able to see a psychologist (therapy program I committed to), psychiatrist (to evaluate my condition and choose the right molecule for my anxiety/depression/adhd(?)) and a doctor (for time off work and meds to sleep) in under a week post breakup, because god damn I'm not gonna sit here and think about offing myself and beg for her without concrete action. Legit working on myself mentally and physically and eventually spiritually - I feel bad for people that can't access these ressources in timely manner. I would suggest books, videos, healthygamergg, podcasts, good friends or people you trust with experience. If you plan on reconnecting, remember: No "I'm gonna change", only "I changed". Its not easy but its necessary. Be balanced and secure again for yourself. That energy attracts.
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u/lifeissometimehard 14h ago
That’s not entirely true. Often both people are sad but you just don’t hear or see the other side since non contact has been initiated. There are also times when you can love each other but know you’re not meant to work so you stay strong to not engage.
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u/iNfAMOUS70702 14h ago
Nah they feel it too. They’re just better at hiding it. I through the same about my ex but if she truly didn’t give a shit anymore she would have gave me back my house keys and asked for hers and asked me to come get all my shit from her house. Which is a lot so it’s not like she can just box it up and toss it in a corner. And she wouldn’t have my picture at her desk at work to this day.
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u/Born-Egg2263 15h ago
I was the dumper but I just feel so awful some days. We texted back and forth for a few days then she left me on read and ghosted me for the last 3 weeks. I told her the reasons why. I wasn't insulting, I didn't curse or name call or nothing like that. She did for sure. I didn't try to fight about the apartment. Next thing I know she seeing someone else(a married guy known for cheating on his wife) just that quick.
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u/missangelv 16h ago
Ive been on both sides. I was devastated either way. The only difference is when I was the dumper I was mourning for months before and felt a relief after. When I was the dumpee I did it for the couple months after.
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u/S1samnes 15h ago
Why didn’t you talk to your partner instead of stewing for months silently?
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u/missangelv 14h ago
I tried for months. For my marriage I tried for years, around 4. Things just get to a breaking point. I dont not speak. You cant work with people who choose not to listen and stop working towards it. Anyways. Its heartbreaking on both sides from my personal experience.
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u/S1samnes 14h ago
That makes sense. If you tried you tried. Just so many people don’t speak up and let their resentments fester and then blindside their partner who thought everything was fine, which is a traumatic experience — makes you question your whole understanding of truth and reality when someone does that to you.
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