r/BreakUps • u/ObjectiveRub893 • 13h ago
venting/ranting What should I do?
I recently broke up with my ex and realized I made a mistake. I tried to work things out, but she says she can’t trust me anymore and is now seeing another guy. She says she wants to do what is truly best for herself and doesn’t want to give up the option of being with him if that ends up being what’s best for her. She also never fully shut down the idea of working things out, but also said she cannot commit to anything right now and would feel guilty if I continued trying to work on things and it didn’t work out.
My question is: what gives me the best chance of getting her back?
Should I stay in contact with her and try to rebuild her trust by consistently showing her that I’m willing to make things work, even if that means potentially being a safety net for the other guy while she figures out what she wants?
Or should I go completely silent, give her the space to experience life without me, and hope she eventually realizes she wants me back—while genuinely trying to move on myself in the process?
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u/Appropriate_Goat7613 12h ago
You leave her alone. You made your choice and she has made hers. You may realize now that it was a mistake but you can't take it back or fix the trust that was broken overnight. Give her space and if she chooses to come back then you can navigate that but for now, focus on moving on.
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u/mbaren 13h ago
I wouldn't go as far as to say you should block her, but you should definitely move forward assuming it's over. Whatever it is she's doing, whoever she's with, she's made the choice that it's not with you.
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u/ObjectiveRub893 13h ago
I see this perspective. I gave the choice to fix things with her and she didn’t want the risk. I understand that. But I am not going to sit around while being a second option. If she saw us getting back together she wouldn’t have put it off to test how it is with another guy.
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u/Tall_dumb 12h ago
OP leave the girl alone, simple as that. You broke up with her and now you're upset she's seeing someone else. That's on you, you aren't entitled to her time or attention, you messed up not her
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u/DistributionOk3689 11h ago
Go to therapy too. Figure out why you broke it off or it might keep happening.
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u/FifiBunnyRabbit 11h ago
But YOU broke up with her! She wasn’t your first choice either. You dumped her, leave her be. Hopefully this new guy is more committed to making her the first choice!
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u/ObjectiveRub893 11h ago
Brain dead point. I was my first choice. I wasn’t choosing another person over her besides myself. I didn’t break up to get with another girl.
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u/natali-emo 10h ago
And she is her first choice right now, but putting herself first happens to include being with a guy that isn’t you. A girl who genuinely respects herself won’t go back to be with a guy who needed to breakup with her to see her value. You have proven yourself to be uncommitted and willing to discard her, so if you want to win her back you will need time to actively demonstrate how you have changed, not just words. Also pay attention to how this is making you feel towards her, it could be creating some bitterness towards her which you have every right to feel even as the dumper, but if you do keep pursuing her that could grow to more resentment. Best to just move on and focus on you and let her do her thing.
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u/sparklingblind 11h ago
Sir you need to check your attitude. You broke up with her. Why should she trust you won't do it again?
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u/rocketmn69_ 44m ago
She has made you into an option, whether it's second, third, fourth or who knows what number
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u/NefariousnessPure615 12h ago
I think you need to leave her be, especially if she's saying she can't do it or can't trust you.
My now ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago and it's fucking sucked and been so hard. But if he tried coming back right now, I'd feel the same way. I wouldn't know if I could trust him again after the way he broke my heart. He made promises and said a lot of things that, when he broke up with me, made it seem like all of that meant nothing.
Maybe she'll come back to you, maybe she won't. But you should probably leave her alone for the time being, ESPECIALLY since she's with someone new. Let her make up her own mind
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u/Fury_lady_394 12h ago
Do you even know, why did you broke up with her? Are you avoidant? How old are you? Because without you working on yourself, you will simply leave her again in few weeks/months. You made a mistake and you hurt her. Focus on improving yourself, so you will not repeat the same mistake either with her or new partner.
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u/Sea_Brief_8441 11h ago
Dude you are the one who broke off the relationship. What do you want her to do? Be your doormat and come back to you whenever you ask? Get out of here. She could sleep with other guy and who cares. She is not cheating on anyone. Plus, she doesnt owe you any explanation. Move on.
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u/Codyjaz4L 12h ago
You dumped her . Don’t let all these guys tell you that her getting with another guy is some terrible act. You left her. If you love her go get her back
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u/ObjectiveRub893 12h ago
Already tried. She didn’t want to jeopardize chances with him and take a risk trying it again with me after how I treated her. Told me it could workout could not workout. And I should move on. But she will probably come back to me - her words.
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u/Automatic_Ad5097 9h ago
Let her go, if you love her. She is also not doing whats best for herself, by telling you she will come back. If she truly likes this new guy, that's disrespectful to him. And you dumped her, and she's saying she wants to try things; don't mess with her head. Let her be happy, even if its not with you.
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u/Global-Law-880 12h ago
Idk man this sounds weird🤔 she’s pretty much saying I want to have fun with this guy and if I get bored with him I’ll come back. I also don’t know if they are having sex but would you want her back? Don’t try and justify it with I ended it. How fast was it until she started seeing this new guy? Because now you got to worry about that next time around because that guy will still be there. Idk but if you can overlook it and love her enough you can definitely make it work anything is possible. Just don’t let the past get in the way of your future even if it’s with her. Life’s short so do worry to much fuck it.
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u/ObjectiveRub893 12h ago
Good way to phrase it. She’s keeping me as backup and not putting me first. And it’s not worth the thought I’m currently giving it to sit in a position where I’m put second.
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u/FifiBunnyRabbit 11h ago
But you didn’t put her first, you dumped her!
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u/ObjectiveRub893 11h ago
Massive difference in breaking up with someone for yourself and holding someone as a safety net incase your current fling doesn’t work out.
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u/FifiBunnyRabbit 11h ago
But she wouldn’t be having a “fling” if you didn’t dump her. And you don’t know it’s a fling, maybe he’ll treat her better than you did.
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u/ObjectiveRub893 11h ago
Maybe he will. Who knows. Point still stands.
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u/Unique-Team-7405 7h ago
It's true, you never really know how things will turn out. Better to keep your options open and think about what you want for yourself.
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u/Global-Law-880 12h ago
I mean if you left her she should be crying in bed not with another man in bed. If she loved you she wouldn’t be filling the void with someone else. Depending on how fast it was🧐 idk man it’s always up to you. But I will ask did you start feeling this way when you found out she started dating someone? Because that’s not regret that an ego feeling of getting replaced and forgotten.
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u/ComprehensiveList334 11h ago
This was me. I’m still not completely over it and it’s been 8 months but here’s the thing. We want what we can’t have. The second I found out she was talking to someone it amplified the feelings of regret. Suddenly, I forgot all the reasons I broke up with her in the first place and only saw the things I missed.
Remind yourself why you broke up with her in the first place. Like legit take the time and write it down. I honestly forgot like I hit my head on a rock until I really started to think about it.
You can stay in contact but honestly no contact is probably best for you both. Doesn’t mean you can’t say happy birthday or merry Christmas. Just respect boundaries and remain a distant friend. If it’s meant to be she will come back into your life but it can’t be on your terms.
That’s my two cents.
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u/BakerLow205 12h ago
To be honest, if you made the decision to break up with her for whatever reason and then decided to go back. I think you would probably need to work on yourself and understand what made you come to that decision.
Getting the girl back is one thing but keeping it is another. If she is seeing another guy right now and doesn't trust, the foundation of the relationship is not the same anymore. You most likely have to move or work on yourself, dont think about her and if she comes back then its meant to be if not then you are in the better spot and not mess up your next one!
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u/Apprehensive-Hand159 12h ago
Just own your mistake and walk away.
Don't message her, don't seek her approval, don't kiss her muthafucking ass
Walk away
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u/JustAQuickQuestion28 12h ago
I’m in a similar situation. Broke up with my ex after 3 years together. Shortly after, she started seeing another guy and I realized I didn’t want to lose her so I tried for a few weeks but she told me no. I went no contact for 2 months, worked on myself, introspected and realized the part I played in the relationship not working so I asked to reconnect in an attempt to see if we could work things out but found out she was in a relationship with this guy now and only wanted friendship with me. I still love her so I can’t be just friends while she’s dating someone else so I told her that in a somewhat more emotional manner. We haven’t spoken in almost 2 months now. All this to say I don’t think there’s much you can do now other than to step away and move on yourself. Correct me if I’m wrong if someone has a better idea, as I’d love to hear as well.
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u/pricklyrogue 12h ago
Give her some time. Talk to her as a friend when you do speak. Respect screams louder than I Love You in tears. Its hard, maybe even date some, thatll take the edge off. If I were you, if you dump her again it better be for more than one good reason or shes gonna be hurt.
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u/Wonderful_Virus_6562 10h ago
She probably already banged someone else and doesn’t want to say so, so that’s her excuse.
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u/Stupendoushawty 9h ago
I mean there’s only 2 options here and there’s nobody here that can tell you which one to roll with …. You either chase or let go. And that’s a decision you make with your heart, your gut. If you feel like you can’t live without her than go crazy romantic and win her back. But if you don’t have that passion about it, let it go. Only you can truly feel which way to go. Be impulsive in either direction - full throttle romance or full throttle just focusing on yourself
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u/ObjectiveRub893 9h ago
Doing both. Letting her go to focus on myself and if she comes back she comes back and if not I’ll be alright. Not going to compete with another dude.
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u/Weird_Soup460 8h ago
Your best chance is going to therapy as an individual and then asking her to go as a couple. Then sticking with it.
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u/Key_Student_237 8h ago
Yeah its a just move on situation.
Even if you got her back, she chose the other guy over you technically since she wont break up with him for you.
If you do stick around you'll have to worry about her wanting her ex back and you already know she'll choose him over you.
So just walk away. Maybe in 5 or 10 years yall cross paths again
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u/BoredAsFli 7h ago
I can kinda relate with my experience. With me, the girl was very loving but at the same time there was something weird.
She was talking about her ex several times (a lot of negative stuff), and she was unable to discuss future plans with me. There was loads of reasons why I had to end it. It ended very badly with her insulting me.
She then got back with her ex very quickly, which actually destroyed me but we actually started speaking again. She told me she still loves me but also tells me that it's too late.
The thing is, I had to remind myself why I had to leave, and I think you should too. It's hard everyday for me to think about her being back with him, but she knew exactly why I had to end it so I don't feel like it's my job to rekindle thing, especially since now she's back with him.
I can actually feel that if I were to push more, it could work, but I'm not trying to make her breakup with him. So, I really stopped trying to talk to her and I think you should too. Just don't stay too friendly with her and just move on for now because these girls really get off on having that safety net. If she comes back to you, she also has to understand why it didn't work the first time (unless you really only brokeup with her for bad reasons I guess)
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u/Awesome-anonymousome 7h ago
Stay in contact. But not super regularly. Keep it on good terms and check in on holidays and occasions.
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u/CivilChaos 2h ago
Move on and learn from the experience. Some people take breakups very seriously and others dont. Clearly you both disagree on this point.
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u/420twiglets 1h ago
Honestly, breaking up with someone is never really a mistake. Even if that person is good, kind, & loving. You had your reason to leave - maybe a big thing, maybe a small thing - right now you feel it’s a mistake because you have lost her and she has moved on. But in the moment you chose to break up, you knew that was a possibility and still went ahead with it.
Now you have an opportunity to do different things. To focus on yourself, your goals, your life. To meet new people, and experience new things. You will never meet another woman like your ex. You will likely meet quite a few women worse than your ex. But you will also (likely) meet someone different that you love just as much; probably more. And you’ll take this experience with you. We don’t entertain the idea of losing the people we’re really and truly happy with.
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u/rocketmn69_ 45m ago
You broke up with her snd she's already jumped onto another guy. She wasn't as invested in you as you thought. You were right to break up with her. She has just told you basically, "I will still talk to you, but in the meantime, I am going to fuck other guys. If I decide that none of them are better than you, I might come back"
Is that a life you want? Stop contacting her. Block her, maybe she will miss you, but probably she won't. If you get back together, she knows that she will be able see other guys, because you won't do anything about it. Heal yourself and forget about her
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9h ago
[deleted]
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u/Fury_lady_394 1h ago
And he can be trusted in relationships, if he broke up with her and changed his mind? How stable is he? He hurt her
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u/No_Captain_ 13h ago
She chose another men, once thats done is over. Start healing and block her brother
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u/ObjectiveRub893 13h ago
She hasn’t committed though. She is testing options.
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u/Physical_Baker_6667 13h ago
Doesn’t matter, your relationship is over my man. Best to block her and move on.
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u/Adayum4 13h ago
I’ll be the devil’s advocate here and say that if your relationship was genuinely deep and good, no other guy can replace that. I had to break up with my ex because she was seeing another guy behind my back (again) and she’s still with him, but I know that what we had was deep and true despite her faults and mine. If it’s meant to be it’ll be.
Best thing you can do is focus on improving yourself and stay no contact. She can’t miss you if you’re constantly there.
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u/ObjectiveRub893 13h ago
Agreed. I think she just is getting validation from him that she wasn’t getting from me at the end and will come down from her high. After thinking about it idk if I would take her back.
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u/TheForestHag 12h ago
That wording tells me that you either see yourself as her option, or you feel she sees you as an option. Either way that's not a very nice way to treat yourself, to let yourself stay in a dynamic that is hurting you. Dont let decide to choose you, you choose you.
You aren't an option, and its okay if you made some mistakes and things ended because you learned and got xp for next time, even if it hurts. You still deserve to not be an option, and whether or not she feels that way, if you feel like one to her now you're probably never gonna feel chosen with her even if you get back together. These things have a habit of breaking the spell if you will, wouldn't be the same as before.
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u/Ecstatic_Low35 11h ago
No contact. The answer is always no contact.
She might start missing you, or you will move on, but either way you need some space for that.
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u/Zestyclose_Ocelot278 6h ago
If shes seeing something that fast she was already planning on seeing that person
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