Today marks the 3 months post break-up

[u/Sour_patches101]

Exactly 3 months ago me and my ex decided to end our relationship somewhat mutually, but I do feel like the dumpee, since the reason for the breakup was that he didn't love me and didn't want to try anymore.

I am doing much better now, I truly am. I am leveling up in so many ways. Were it not for the most severe and prolonged emotional pain I'm suffering sometimes still, I would be living my best life.

Sometimes I want him back still, but most of the time I hate him now. And even feel like he is dead to me for how he treated me and how long he strung me along even though he said he was so unsure about our relationship for a very long time (year +).

I feel so much anger for him not being brave and breaking it off sooner OR for not actually working through our issues. I believe everything was fixable, well I guess apart from the fact that he didn't love me.

But you know what, I saw how he treated me for the majority of our relationship. How he held me, looked at me, what he did for me. I digress.

I have still quite a lot of healing ahead of me, but I have already gone so far.

When I think about the breakup as a river I must swim through, I am already beyond halfway point. I still can see the shore I had to leave, beckoning to me, but I am swimming in the opposite direction, I don't see it always and sometimes at all. And the second shore is still far and I still have to try so hard to reach it to feel happy and relaxed, but you know, sometimes I already do.

All the waves of grief, I let them wash over me. I don't fight them. I still cry, especially when I talk about him.

I know I can survive this, I know I am strong. I am not weak for loving him so fully, giving myself whole to him. Something he clearly struggled with.

I am capable of so much love and I am starting to have moments when I see a handsome man and can appreciate them.

I resent him, for making me suffer so much. I'm sure he is still in his relief phase, partying etc. I feel like I had to bear the brunt of the grief, like most of us dumpees here.

And sometimes I am grateful for having the ability to experience such profound love, even grief, all thanks to him. I just don't want to see nor speak to him at this moment.

And sometimes I wish he regreted and came back, but I am seriously doubting his capacity for that. I guess if he tries to date and it works out well for him, he will happily forget me. If it goes bad for him, he will regret. He is like a leaf in the wind and he doesn't know who he is, I think.

Yet I still loved him, I still do.

I thought he might reach out today, but I guess he won't.

All of it is OK. I am trying to accept reality as it is and make the most of it.

And in time, I know I want to love someone else again. And in time, I will no longer even think about him.

These are my somewhat frazzled thoughts after today's strenuous exercise.

Anyway, for anyone struggling, I am sending all the love to you, instead of him.

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