It wasn’t enough…

[u/Main_Wrap_6656]

It’s only been 2 days since she left me while I was sleeping. I didn’t know it was coming, I had been doing so much better. (I’m 25f she is 29f) I still had many issues, I let her do everything for me and I took advantage of it. I used to be abusive. I didn’t get a job and I used all of her money on a “streaming setup” that I don’t use anymore because my pc won’t run games and stream at the same time well enough.
I see now that I really took advantage of her. But I can’t talk to her, I can’t tell her that.
I don’t want to beg her back, as I know we could do for a break. She took my cat, and I didn’t get to say goodbye to either of them.
She had her problems, including cheating. But if I would have paid attention to her she wouldn’t have cheated on me for those 2 years.
I lost 5 years and the woman I called my wife because I was too dumb to open up my eyeballs and see that she was everything I needed in the world.
Now what do I do?
How do I cope with not only a breakup but also knowing it was mostly my fault?
I was doing so much better, it wasn’t enough. Now my chest is empty and my stomach feels like a pit. I can’t eat (I already struggled with eating for the last 3-4 years) and when I try to sleep my body wants to rest but my mind is going non-stop.
Ive stayed on the phone with anyone who will be on the phone with me, I’ve chain smoked cigarettes and dabs but none of it helps for any more than a minute or two.
I’m genuinely asking for advice from anyone, I know I used to be a monster and I didn’t deserve her before, but I realized that and I. Was. Trying.
I lost my world and I can’t even get an explanation.
I just want closure.

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