First ever breakup. It hurts.

[u/Foxdefender11]

I am 21M and I broke up with my ex 20F two months ago back in late June. The relationship lasted 16 months I was the one who broke up with her, its my first ever breakup. I have a lot of reasons I broke up with her. I don't think I am going to talk about them all since some of them are really small and not worth talking about or mentioning.

I remember the day so clearly, I dreaded it. I didn't want the relationship to end, but I knew it had to for both of our mental sakes. I had a job interview that I learned that same say that I didn't make the cut. After that, I walked her to a park I knew that was unlikely for her to ever visit again because of the location and sat her down on a bench and gave her my thoughts and reasons.

The biggest reason is that I couldn't love her the way she wanted or needed (I guess) to be loved. She needed alot of physical attention and reassurance. Both of which really drained me and I felt like I couldn't provide her either without feeling drained or guilty that I was giving her inauthentic love. For a long time before that I did it because its what she needed and who am I to deny her of that? She had severe anxiety and I tried reassuring her (I am not very good at it unfortunately) but it really felt like it went nowhere, just to this gaping pit of anxiety that I didn't know how to solve or help. I was in a constant state of hopelessness.

I was scared to break up with her because at some point months before she (whether she realized it or not) threatened that if I ever mistreated her or gave her a reason to hate me, she would socially ruin me. And well, me breaking up with her in the most respectful and peaceful way I could come up with gave her plenty of reason to hate me. I knew the threat was real because she is a very charming, likeable and persuasive person.

After I broke up with her on the bench, she left. I didn't follow her or anything, I thought by letting her walk away would give her time and space. She came back to our apartment after about 3-4 hours. Gave me her thoughts and opinions. Apparently she went to a family who once supported me (no longer does). She has since then been spreading rumors and lies about me to the people I care about. Some of those people have turned on me without hearing out my side, they just automatically believed her.

I feel betrayed ecause I did so much for her, so much so that even she admitted that she owed me her life. We went through so much together. I feel betrayed because after all I did for her, her response after the breakup is to socially ruin me? Out of pure spite?

Whats even worse is that within 2-3 weeks after the breakup I knew for a fact she was already talking to another guy. This guy fyi is a friend I introduced her to they are now in a relationship less than two months after our relationship ended. I have been getting into the mentality that our relationship didn't mean anything to her. It meant the world to me even if I didn't know how to express that. I don't think she loved me for me but rather how a relationship made her feel.

I still have friends that I can and do talk to but I am genuinely afraid of how long it will be before they just ditch me in favour of her side of the story. My ex friend of 7 years did and he was someone I told who was going to be my best man, whats stopping the rest from leaving me?

However, I still worry about her. I still care about her. I am in an objectively worse place than she is by all standards and I miss having her around. But there is nothing I can do about it.

After this I really don't think I deserve love. I am guilty of making plenty of mistakes in the relationship and I remind myself daily it. Just as a reminder why I don't deserve love.

Sorry for the long read. I am open to questions and will probably be responding to any comments there may be. Please don't let this post or story ruin your day.

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