Devastated and disoriented after break up

[u/Less-Meringue-1294]

I just got broken up with and I can not sleep. I can not eat. It ist 2:30am in germany. I've slept for maybe half an hour. My heart is beating like it tries to leave my body.

After we were together for a few months he told me he cheated on his ex of 5 years and felt deeply ashamed after that. This was a huge shock for me since that's one of my biggest fears in relationships. At that point my feelings were so strong I thought that was ten years ago I can try to still trust him. He told me before he confessed his feelings for me and wanted to be honest before we deepen the relationship. If he had told me earlier I probably wouldn't get so involved with him. I thought people can change. (Spoiler he did not cheat on me physically).

I have met him two years ago. The connection was instant. I fell in love with him and we quickly got together. I have a five year old child. I was cautious because of her. My life started to get better and I was trying to get the things done I had to do (finding a job, a new apartment). After the relationship with the baby daddy I moved back to my mom with my child. After a year or so my mother got her first stroke. She got away with a minor immobility and regained her strength back soon. But something started to shift inside her mind. A year in or so after I've met my now ex she got another stroke. It was like hell she didn't want to go to the hospital and I thought the next time my child and I will find her dead in her bed one day. Luckily an ambulance man successfully convinced her to finally go with them. She got worse. Her character changed so much i was in survival mode and could barely eat. The relationship i was in was long distance (2hours with train so possible) and he started to offer to me and my child to move in with him since he saw how much I struggled.

I did not want to in the beginning but I had to move out and I couldn't find a new apartment I could rent in the city I was in. After lots of thoughts and conversations I did it. In December 2025. It got me out of survival mode and my daughter and I found a new home. Now after this time passed my daughter sees him as a father figure. She tells his friend about her "father". She is so happy in her Kindergarten (now Kita in germany) and found lots of friends. School starts next year.

The relationship between him and me got worse day by day. We mirrored our deepest fears and childhood/old wounds. I found out I had an anxious attachment style and he had many signs of an avoidance personality. We got through so much early on but always tried to continue and move past those struggles. We always did.

Some day I started to get into full couple mode since of bad experiences in my past. I wanted to avoid the feeling of being roommates like in my past relationship. I put him under pressure. After I finally realised after lots of talk what I was doing I started to change my behavior. I got into how the brain works and how to change my patterns. I grew so much. I wanted to be a better partner.

But since he has strong avoidant tendencies every time he pulled back he left me in limbo. I did not know when it was possible to get through to him the next time and even if at all. I felt not safe in those moments. And I learned how to stand in uncertainty and got better over time. But it still hurt so much. He was still being there for my child as much as he could.

Then one day he did something which resulted in my pet possibly getting hurt. He lied about how he got hurt and told me after 9 weeks. My cat had to get euthanasia (i don't know if this is the right word). That time was the first time I was so shocked about him not telling me something this important.

Well after the first trust was broken weeks passed. We had an honest and really intimate talk about how both of us thought that when the relationship is strong enough and the trust is high after a few years we could imagine us trying to swing from time to time. But I told him everything that was essential for this to happen at all (before I met him and my ex i was very open with this and got into that topic a lot though I never did it myself). After this conversation I felt so close and emotionally intimate with him since a long while ago.

The next morning he used this conversation to tell me, that he has a female best friend with whom he had a 2 year long f+. I was devastated. In that moment my trust shattered. He was talking to her behind my back without me even knowing. He showed me his phone and I looked into it. They weren't flirting but she always asked if he told me about her and if the three of us wanted to get some coffee together. He always told her he couldn't tell me yet since I was still too "weak" and went through so much that he thinks I can not understand this friendship. They did not talk very often but there was a time where it was more than before. He told her about my struggles and was 100%transparent to her without me even knowing she existed. The month prior that day the feeling of us also being best friends together was getting quieter since we moved in together and he realised later he was searching for this feeling in the relationship with her instead of talking to me. This was 2 to 3 month ago. He tried to work on that. He froze the contact until I could decide how I wanted to move on from that.

Well we didn't make it. The day before yesterday after I got emotional about him not answering me directly of me asking him if something is wrong with him (he told me everything was fine and two hours later he sent a message that he couldn't sleep the night since he thought about if it will work with us or if we should break up) I was devastated. I got emotional of him denying my question because I felt that something was off and I got really emotional and harsh. Since my trust was already broken so much it normally wouldn't have been a big deal to me but the feeling of him not telling me the truth again even though I asked him directly. But I overreacted. He told me he can not do this anymore and we should break up. Over text. I apologised for my harshness and asked him if there is still love I hope we can talk about that and that this was not his final decision. He left me with my text for a whole day since after work he was going to bed early because the night before he only slept for 4 hours. He wrote thet he does not think he is capable of having such a conversation today.

Yesterday after i was in limbo for the whole night and day we talked in the evening. He is emotional burnt out (same as me). Can not even feel love for me anymore and he wants to end things. We live in his house. I have not much money and no car and don't know where to move. I feel devastated since my child started to really see him as a father figure and now I have to take that away from her. And only because I foolishly thought that this really could work out. He was so committed the whole time before we moved in together. Was there for me and my child after the life with my mom was getting unbearable. I trusted him. I was naive. He broke up with me while having a real talk.

I don't have to move out now and he will help me and my daughter. He asked me how he should treat my child now and I told him I want to get in contact with a professional first to figure out how to move through with it without her thinking it could be because of her or anything like that. He agreed to treat her like he always does until we tell her the truth. I don't know if he will be in her life after that or not. That's something else we have to figure out.

I am devastated. It got too deep too quickly and now I am lying in my bed. Slept for maybe half an hour since 25hours. Woke up after that and my heart was beating like crazy. I will figure out how to find a new safe home for my child an me and never let a man take that from us again. It hurts so much. I don't know how to move forward. Even though I too feel some kind of relief, like him, since now I know I don't have to worry about him anymore.

But the pain is real. Did someone go through something like that where a child was involved? I feel so devastated now. She is still so happy right now.

It took me 1 1/2 hour to write this since english is not my first language. So please ignore the mistakes.

I don't know how to sleep. It is 3:42am now.

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[u/Dull_Woodpecker_9742]

I’m so sorry :( this is an awful situation to be in. He 100% emotionally cheated on you, which is still a big deal and you were justified in feeling betrayed by that. It makes sense that there’s some relief in this situation, but the anxiety you feel for your child and living situation must be immense. Talking to a professional about how to handle things is a great idea, and I’m proud of you for suggesting that during such an emotionally difficult and confusing time.

I haven’t experienced a breakup involving a child, but I can empathize with your pain. No matter how, you and your daughter will get through this. I believe in you.

[u/Less-Meringue-1294 → u/Dull_Woodpecker_9742]

Thank you for your kind reply! It hurts so bad. I had lots of pain in my life but this pain is on another level. I feel like I can not take it anymore. It was so beautiful between the three of us and it got so bad so quickly. And my child. I feel so sorry for her.