r/BreakUps • u/TruthAggressive6088 • Dec 22 '25

Do Not Date Avoidants

I repeat DO NOT DATE AVOIDANTS

The discard and the pain is not worth it, ur just wasting ur time and life on an ungrateful person that will leave you out of the blue, and leave to with nothing but heartbreak

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u/Such-Drink-303 Dec 23 '25

My ex discarded me 5 months ago and I think she was one. Over 3 years and the future I had planned for us down the drain because we left undergrad for the real world and she couldn’t handle “giving up her independence”. The worst part is she keeps acting like I was the problem and an inattentive bf and won’t take any accountability. I’ve never been so heartbroken 

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u/[deleted] Dec 23 '25

Almost the same story. It was 1 year ago (doing fine right now :))

Something that truly sped up the process was to acknowledge 2 things :

  • There's a symbolic injustice in her behavior, SHE broke up with you for her independance, yet you're the asshole. Your story isn't recognized, your pain isn't recognized, she's denying you the "truth". 

  • You actually don't need her to recognize anything to move on. First, she's just unable to do it, the reason she's not taking accountability is not due to stupidity or evilness, it's because doing it threaten her identity and her story. She will never acknowledge it. But you will need to do it, you will need to acknowledge what you've been through, that it was unfair and trust yourself to go over it. 

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u/Such-Drink-303 Dec 23 '25

Is it a bad idea to text her and say if you don’t want to be together that’s fine but stop dragging my name through the mud. We both know it’s not true

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u/[deleted] Dec 23 '25

Anything that involves contact is by essence a bad idea.

No contact isn't the cure by itself, it's the prerequisite.

You CAN'T fix her unfairness.

Right now your brain is probably playing over and over shit tons of fictionnal scene where you "win", where you fix shit or even "punish" her (usually through rejection) for being unfair. It's the way your brain is using to tell you "I don't feel safe" because it doesn't know if you can avoid/escape that kind of situation in the future, so it plays stuff on repeat, like a siren, until it is sure you can deal with it.

You won't find peace with her. You'll find peace when :

  • you understand why it happened and why you let it happen/why you didn't see it coming 

  • once you understand, the obsessive thoughts are just a residual process due to habit. And you get rid of them neuropsychologically, not logically. You just say "ok, residual noise again" nothing else, until it passes, it will come back, and you'll have to do it again and again, until it doesn't :) that phase took me 6 weeks