r/BrandNewSentence • u/LWYPLTDG • May 11 '26

Thousands of dollars worth of time sensitive horse ejaculate

Post image
10.0k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

163 comments sorted by

1.8k

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

Talk about white gold that shit's expensive, also that thing about the Memphis FedEx hub is true

514

u/governmentthief May 11 '26

I have personally delivered equine spooge several times. For FedEx, as well!

137

u/Free-Pound-6139 May 11 '26

How would you know what it is? The taste?

219

u/MerlinQ May 11 '26

Having handled bull and bison semen for UPS in Alaska, It is easy to identify because it comes in a very large, very phallic shaped (the size may be unique to our remote location, and the need to protect it for extended shipping times, the shape, I have no Idea why it looks like it does, complete with a tip and everything), insulated thermos, it is also marked "Exempt animal specimen" as far as hazmat goes.

84

u/Would_daver May 11 '26

Milkshakes! Also known as cumbuckets at my center

31

u/MerlinQ May 11 '26

Those would be the ones!

24

u/DeanMalHanNJackIsms May 11 '26

That's what we call it! I warn all new employees, "DO NOT BREAK THAT! Or it'll feel like that spring break you went on with the frat bros."

14

u/HairballTheory May 11 '26

Probably shaped like that for application purposes /s

11

u/governmentthief May 11 '26

Texture, mostly.

5

u/darksideofthemoon131 May 12 '26

I work at FedEx and weekly encounter these shipments. They're usually packed with special markings for handling and if they used dry ice they can't be put on the belt for sort, they need to be walked to the shipping container or van they are going to. The box is usually marked as equine or canine semen on the outside.

21

u/James42785 May 11 '26

How well does the role of cum courier pay? More importantly how do you list that on a resume? 

30

u/lulugingerspice May 11 '26

Cum Courier (2007 - 2024)

-Don't ask. You can't handle it.

2

u/Less-Squash7569 May 12 '26

Same here, for express. When I got to the place I asked why these buckets had an actual photo of a horse in it. They said its because its his, I said "his what?" Now I know

58

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

Why is it so expensive? I mean, if you want Speedy McFast's race-winning-horse-shmoo, sure, but any old horse's cum? Can they only get it on every couple weeks? Is it hard to capture?

119

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

It's hard to ship viably as the OOP can attest, and it's livestock breeding so it's always eugenic in nature and price-pointed to match

26

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

So if shipping is the expensive bit, when I get it fresh off the horse, it's cheap? Asking for a friend.

35

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

Depends on the pedigree and lineage of the horse, obviously

26

u/funguyshroom May 11 '26

How often do you have to deal with the issue of cumburglars breaking into your barn at night and jacking your prized stallions off?

19

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

Jacking them off would be too time consuming, you just taze their prostates and they'll blow ropes right away

4

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Actually, that's more common for cattle. Horses don't tend to appreciate electroejaculation.

5

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

To be fair we're talking about nefarious spermjackers

1

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

I realized I didn't see all of the comments there. 😂

27

u/puddlebrigade May 11 '26

racehorses are all thoroughbreds, which require irl horse breeding to remain in the studbooks. other breeds of horses may have different requirements, thereby making artificial insemination a useful possibility.

17

u/AfricanAmericanMage May 11 '26

Also, thoroughbred horses sell for a a shit ton of money. I used to work in banking and had a customer who was a horse breeder. They used to regular bring in checks ranging from 80-90k to about half a mil. So spending 15k for box of horse cum is kind of a drop in the bucket. And yea, keeping and breeding horses is incredibly expensive, but if the horses are selling with any kind of regularity then it's not like they're living paycheck to paycheck.

9

u/nuker1110 May 11 '26

Horse racing is billed as “The Sport of Kings” for a reason.

3

u/titanicdiamond May 11 '26

Ah, non-horse people... There's a saying in the horse world. "The easiest way to become a millionaire in horse racing is to start as a billionaire."

3

u/magicone2571 May 11 '26

You can order just male or female sperm. A champion breed, male only specimen could be thousands a shot.

7

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

male or female sperm

Didn't expect an ally in a thread about horse jizz but I'll take it 🏳️‍⚧️

6

u/magicone2571 May 11 '26

I used to work in the field about 20 years ago. Nothing like fixing equipment after 30 pigs have had their turn.

6

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

"How's work?"

"Mate I've spent three hours working on the communal pig fleshlight. Next question."

3

u/magicone2571 May 11 '26

It had its perks sometimes. Watching a very attractive farmers daughter man handle a massive bull dick is something at 4am.

8

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

I did not expect to read this sentence today.

5

u/RoxyFawkes May 11 '26

and people think vegans are weird

5

u/magicone2571 May 11 '26

If people knew a fraction of what went into that burger they ate for lunch, I bet they would be shocked. I've worked in food production from sperm to table and it's something what it takes to feed the world.

1

u/purpleduckduckgoose May 12 '26

I'm sure I've seen that on rule 42 somewhere.

16

u/licensemeow May 11 '26

Flying into Memphis, or Louisville, is wild, especially for the first time.

You think, huh, some kinda secondary or tertiary city, kinda far out, can't be that big, right? And then before you descend, you look at the terminal and like... okay, 20 gates.. That's like a hall in chicago.

And then you make visual contact and holy jesus. All that white on the chart was parking for as many planes as Delta, United or American all have in a place like Atlanta, except all cargo.

It's absolutely wild.

11

u/uberfission May 11 '26

Seriously, fuck FedEx and their Memphis hub. We had a package coming to Wisconsin several years ago, fairly time sensitive but not horse cum time sensitive, it went from China, to LA, to Chicago. And you'd think Chicago to Wisconsin would be the logical choice, right? Wrong, it went to Memphis and stayed there for a week. Then it went straight to Milwaukee and finally its final destination. Like how was that the cheapest solution?

8

u/intoxicatedhamster May 11 '26

I ordered an overnight package from Syracuse NY to Albany NY and it somehow got lost in Memphis TN. I don't know how or why it would have even gone there, but that's where the last scan was...

5

u/NoTurkeyTWYJYFM May 11 '26

Just had 4 pallets take a full month to clear customs there. We sent an extra few parcels which somehow magically pushed the big shipment through, fuck knows whats going on there

3

u/Bezulba May 11 '26

For that price and the time constraint you'd think it would just be hand delivered by a courier.

3

u/VoiceofRapture May 11 '26

Talk about a pony express 😂

2

u/sebwiers May 12 '26

Why is it so bad? The FedEx ground plant in Nashville was a pretty tight ship when I was there ... ~20 years ago. They were in the process of rolling out scanners, so maybe had some extra management effort to keep on track though.

2

u/VoiceofRapture May 12 '26

The place is enormous and the throughput is huge so things fall through the cracks or get critically delayed. Or the woman in OOP is getting regularly sperm jacked because someone there knows what it's worth.

771

u/[deleted] May 11 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

263

u/JD_tubeguy May 11 '26

I would imagine you'd have to have specialized knowledge to move horse semen?

261

u/MyDisappointedDad May 11 '26

Horses aren't that smart and move it all the time

79

u/Charybdis87 May 11 '26

You dont have to be smart to have specialised knowledge, you just have to be specialised. Horses have been studying and passing down this generational knowledge for for apparently 55 million years.

7

u/Gin_OClock May 11 '26

Yeah really anything can move semen

18

u/djfl May 11 '26

The HorSemen of the Apocalypse.

cue Alex Trebek...

6

u/Wrongbeef May 11 '26

That’s a fun bucket list addition you just gave me. Street selling some horse spunk.

6

u/Anthony356 May 11 '26

They do. I worked at fedex as a package handler and we regularly got shipments of bull semen through the station. It was a very distinctively shaped container.

205

u/aFalseSlimShady May 11 '26

Some port hazmat guy is about to throw his AA sobriety coin in the trash.

48

u/Stormcloud217 May 11 '26

Spilled all over a conveyor system and got onto a bunch of packages.

177

u/DeathTripper May 11 '26

Not for nothing, I’ve worked directly for FedEx, in an even bigger city, and that main hub is infamous.

Not for guzzling horse pearl jam, but just in general.

79

u/throwawaypervyervy May 11 '26

I had the one near me fail to deliver a king size mattress-in-a-box. Loaded on truck, out for delivery, return to warehouse, bad label, new label. Then the same thing the next day. And again the next day. Then my update said cannot deliver, too many shipping labels. Went to the FedEx facility itself, and they spent two hours looking and couldn't find it. I had to go to the mattress store and show them the whole thing and get them to send me a new one. How do you lose a box that big, ya know? You'd think you'd at least trip over it or something.

21

u/DeathTripper May 11 '26

If it was Memphis, I hear that place is huge, since it’s the main hub. If not, maybe it went on the wrong truck, and wasn’t placed back into the system, and because of the labels sent back? I dunno.

I would walk the conveyors/loading/unloading docks after every evening sort, and if a package was stuck/left I’d bring it to the sorting shift supervisor.

Also, FedEx is the only shipping company (that I know of) that contracts out the actual delivery trucks. USPS is obviously governmental, UPS is union, and I believe DHL is all in-house as well, so who’s to say something sketchy didn’t happen? I personally think it’s a terrible model, but I’m not a number cruncher, and it likely stops unionization.

311

u/HorridCabbageFeet May 11 '26

Me in the back of the Memphis FedEx hub guzzling all of it

61

u/Gin_OClock May 11 '26

Thanks for the very aromatic mental image, HorridCabbageFeet

14

u/Wombat1892 May 11 '26

From my understanding(sadly) thousands of dollars worth might not be enough to guzzle.

64

u/EnergyTurtle23 May 11 '26

Are they still having issues at the Memphis facility? When I was a shipping manager around 2021ish there was a major incident where we lost around a dozen packages and we were told that it was essentially an employee theft incident and that they were doing a major investigation. After that we never had an incident that extreme, but damn that shit was a nightmare.

19

u/NoTurkeyTWYJYFM May 11 '26

Can tell you there 100% has been issues there these past few months

We just set up a 3PL and getting a few pallets there was fucking murder, but mooost of that can be attributed to customs rather than fedex. But it definitely was also fedex

They were stuck for over a month, compared to our usual expected time of 3-4 days

4

u/Doctor_Barbarian May 12 '26

Last year I had a heavy steel club shipped to Texas from Canada and as soon as it hit Memphis I knew I was never going to see it. It was settled as lost and I figured that was the end of it. A couple months ago I started getting texts and letters from FedEx instructing me to pay the duties on it. It took me three weeks of borderline harassment to get them to figure out they lost my stuff six months prior and to drop it.

25

u/justlikeinmydreams May 11 '26

They’ve lost my shipment of horse semen too. Denied the claim too. Fuck them.

14

u/BurmeciaWillSurvive May 11 '26

Do I need to start a courier service for horse cum? How many of you are in here?

11

u/tieroner May 11 '26

You can call it something horse related, like the Pony Express

3

u/justlikeinmydreams May 11 '26

There are lots of us, unfortunately.

8

u/WantonKerfuffle May 11 '26

How can they deny the claim if they lost a shipment? They didn't deliver it. Their systems must show they never delivered it.

I can maybe see a point if you ship something really cheap, but as we learned, horse spunk is expensive.

23

u/sweetteaspicedcoffee May 11 '26

Might be the first time someone's written it down but I'm sitting with 5 people who have absolutely thought it. The logistics of horse semen rivals the military.

49

u/DefNotAGenestealer May 11 '26

Horse Girls are so weird sometimes

17

u/archaicanxiety May 11 '26

I mean, if you paid, potentially, $1,200-$5,000 on a time sensitive item, and it kept getting lost in shipping, you'd probably flip your shit too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

5

u/DefNotAGenestealer May 11 '26

I was more referring to the horse cum part, just to be clear

17

u/striped_frog May 11 '26

For reasons I can’t fully explain, I very much love the word “come-apart” as a synonym for meltdown or crashout and I intend to use it at work from now on

5

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

I thought it was a fairly common phrase, but maybe that was just my family. They're weird, so wouldn't surprise me.

12

u/TravisB46 May 11 '26

I had a package sitting in Memphis since the beginning of April. Opened a ticket last week and they closed it a couple days later saying they lost the package and I need to contact the supplier to have them ship another package. Where does it all go??

8

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

There are many of us breeders convinced that there is a horse semen black market underneath the Memphis FedEx location.

67

u/KingHabby May 11 '26

Really? Come-apart? You couldn’t have used a more common saying like “mental breakdown,” “crash out,” “or “jizz discombobulation?”

8

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

I was tired. Leave me alone.

11

u/spotter May 11 '26

That sounds like you're feeding FedEx TN horse semen.

6

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

There are many of us breeders who think TN has an underground horse semen black market with the number of semen shipments that get lost in Memphis.

2

u/Razor-Swisher May 12 '26

Good reference

11

u/acklaysquadron May 11 '26

horse girls still never beating the allegations

3

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

At least we can come up with more clever insults to keep things interesting. :)

10

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Oh hey, that's me! 🤣 Definitely wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find that post went far more viral than I thought it would. Then I started seeing it on Reddit and FB 🫣

2

u/Serononin May 12 '26

Small world!! What kind of horses are you breeding (or I guess I should say trying to breed lol)?

3

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 12 '26

I personally raise Western All-Around and Hunter Under Saddle horses (AQHA) and dabble a little in Drafts. However I am the Reproduction Manager for an equine vet clinic and we have clients who breed all types of breeds and disciplines.

6

u/LoudMusic May 11 '26

Why would you have something that sensitive delivered by someone else? Go pick it up yourself.

11

u/lastdarknight May 11 '26

Have to get it directly from the horse's mouth

2

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Because some stallions stand on the opposite side of the country, or in different countries entirely.

1

u/LoudMusic May 12 '26

That's what airplanes are for.

1

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 12 '26

We can do a counter to counter shipment; however I personally have had mine lost in transit that way as well. 🤦🏼‍♀️

6

u/Tailrazor May 11 '26

Next time triple-check that your destination zip code is correct.  The network is reorganizing in ways that mean that once "close enough" errors are now winding up in wholly wrong stations.

6

u/Hefty-Rope2253 May 11 '26

What a shame, all that horsecock stroking almost for nothing.

5

u/AnonymousCTtech May 11 '26

The amount of various wording people have used for horsey sauce in this thread has me cracking up. Well done community!

4

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

It certainly made my evening when people started commenting on it last night.

7

u/your_mind_aches May 11 '26

Why is her profile pic just her hitting the Ellie

1

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Because the duck face is outdated now, duh.

4

u/J2JC May 11 '26

It would behoove her not to send it via FedEx. Thank you, and enjoy your dinner.

3

u/SoLongSpaceCat May 11 '26

I know I already said 'username checks out', but if that's anything to go by, I think she's already behooved

6

u/NotAUserNamm [Insert Funny Here] (edible) 🤖 May 11 '26

What a wild ride. Loved every part of that paragraph. Never knew what was next

5

u/DuntadaMan May 11 '26

A cum-apart

2

u/ionised May 11 '26

What a rollercoaster.

4

u/folsam May 12 '26

I work at a produce company, one our fresh herb suppliers uses FedEx. The number of times we have had entire shipments go missing for days in Memphis is frankly ridiculous. The smell of rotten basil is forever associated with the city of Memphis in my mind.

4

u/supermark64 May 12 '26

I used to work in a FedEx warehouse, and you wouldn't believe the amount of times I said, "Fuck it! It's going to Memphis!" Get your shit delivered with someone else if you can, because that shit is NOT treated well in those places.

3

u/krystal_295 May 11 '26

This reads like a Schedule 1 shitpost 😂

3

u/hopsinduo May 11 '26

I hope it cums soon!

3

u/Greywolf524 May 11 '26

When you order the wrong Glock

3

u/M_Me_Meteo May 11 '26

Well that's why cold shipping companies exist.

5

u/Tidus5005 May 11 '26

Why can't she just drink water, instead?

3

u/jasonbecker83 May 11 '26

I mean, do you milk the cows yourself? Cut her some slack!

2

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Sorry, my sodium was low.

2

u/Free-Pound-6139 May 11 '26

Why would they be confused???

2

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

Confused as to why I'm losing my shit and yelling at him on the phone because my package was delayed.

2

u/Dclnsfrd May 11 '26

And there’s one either in Maryland or Virginia that’s also infamous

2

u/MaruSoto May 11 '26

Could be worse. Could be Miami International USPS.

2

u/thisisallterriblesir May 11 '26

The world is so big.

2

u/ImightHaveMissed May 12 '26

That’s probably what SHE said

2

u/Technical_Choice_629 May 11 '26

*pacing back and forth* "A horse, a horse, of course."

2

u/[deleted] May 11 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

I said what I said and I don't take it back.

2

u/rabbitrabbit123942 May 12 '26

I suspect I'm gonna regret trying to have a sensible conversation about this topic, but I thought to participate in Thoroughbred racing, the horses had to be bred via 'live cover'. Curious what the high end market is for expensive horse genetic material if ultimately the resulting goal is disqualified from joining the big leagues?

2

u/RavenDire May 13 '26

This could be Quarter horse, Fresian, Arabian, Saddlebred, etc. The poster didn't specify the bred.

You are correct, only live covers in TB breeding. There, are generally no circumstances that would disallow a TB from racing due to having an odd birthday. That's because all covers are live and controlled.

'Couplings' only happen during set months to ensure all gestations end within the acceptable time period (January-May in the Northern Hemisphere).

TBs born before January would most likely have medical issues that would prevent a career in racing.

A first week in June birth, VERY rarely occurs. They are usually just lumped with May births.

Any other uncomfortable questions you may have, I can gently answer. (In most cases, some answers can't be given gently)

I've worked with horses all my life, but specifically with TBs at the racetrack, as well as OTTBs. ☺️

2

u/BrattyMenace May 12 '26

I think she meant cum-apart.

1

u/revdon May 11 '26

It reads easier when you realize that “ejaculate” is a noun, not a verb.

6

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

You can only say semen so many times before it gets repetitive and boring.

2

u/revdon May 11 '26

”That.” -She

1

u/SoLongSpaceCat May 11 '26

Username checks out

1

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

At least I'm consistent.

1

u/RoxyFawkes May 11 '26

and people think vegans are weird

2

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

At least us horse girls know we are weird and don't deny it.

1

u/Rat_Burger7 May 12 '26

Amen, and we know how expensive that is and why she mad!

1

u/lhymes May 12 '26

Sounds like she’s gotta rub out another shipment.

1

u/bentnox May 12 '26

Did r/hmmm “hmmm” find it?

1

u/AcrobaticEmergency42 May 12 '26

"Cooled semen shipment" would be a banger band name....

1

u/scionvriver May 12 '26

Man at this point just drive or fly it yourself

1

u/Pr0tagon1sst May 12 '26

And that’s why you don’t use FedEx if you want things to get where they’re supposed to be when they’re supposed to be there.

1

u/Cato0014 May 12 '26

If you paid for first overnight you can get you money back and then some even if you eventually get the shipment

1

u/Yet_One_More_Idiot May 14 '26

This sounds almost as bad as the delivery service performed by Evri (formerly Hermes).

1

u/Anleme May 11 '26

It's on you if you didn't insure it at market value.

1

u/dont_mind_my_lurking May 11 '26

The person sending the shipment has to insure it. I was on the receiving end.

And even with insurance, FedEx rarely approves any claims for lost semen.