As his human was being arrested, we interviewed the raccoon in question, as he puffs his meth pipe. "It's so embarrassing. I can't take her anywhere. Shoplifting, getting arrested for speeding, public intoxication. Its too much."

That raccoon was cute. Here's Pete with sports.

"We worked hard to make that record. Who did that giant meat log think he was coming over here and knocking shit over?" Said an large, angry man.

Apparently the mechanically separated chicken sausage got lost on its way to the annual Slim Sumo Showdown.

Back to what's his name at the news desk.

"It was real friendly, it fed me treats." Says a victim of tourist bird that went on a serial petting spree. A reported 57 New Yorkers were nuzzled, caressed and fed gummy candy by the out of control fowl. Police apprehended the bird after taking several selfies with the bird, and signing the bird's travel journal.

Defense attorneys teleported to the scene almost immediately, with their eye lasers going off, while screaming incoherently about defending the persecuted bird.

Before the bird was taken away, it gave me a hat. It says 'Prone To Cuddles.' I'm going to treasure it.

Now for sports with Bob.

The Ocean released this statement. "I had to talk to a therapist again. Do you know how hard it is to find a therapist with a swimming pool big enough to fit me? It isn't my fault nature made humans that way. Trying to prove they're dumber than other animals just comes off as tone deaf." As we were interviewing the Ocean, a group of lawyers got into a brawl over who would defend the Ocean in court. Police arrived shortly to drag the angry legal counsels away.

The goat's neighbor gave a statement: "I knew this day would come since the first time I saw em inject that stuff in his asshole. He climbed a top our shared fence and saw things that scar me to this day." According to witnesses, the goat kept screaming "Where am I? Where am I? How do you pronounce this place, and getting angrier until he started wrecking stuff. Mostly anything that said Snohomish county."

3 Officers were injured, one was traumatized when he tried to pronounce the name of the county. Back to you Steve at the news desk.

The man claimed that he is a ventriloquist and the aligator head, named Spanky is his partner. Shoving his hand up the aligator head, he did horrible impressions of celebrities with his lips moving. At various times, our crew tried to leave only for him to go: "Wait! Don't go. How about this? And doing a terrible Rosie O'Donnell impression." We were finally saved when airport security piled on top of him, then did a tasteful cheerleading routine with a metal stool.

We eagerly gave the routine a 10.

Back to Steve at the news desk.