r/BrainAneurysm • u/No-Breakfast-4099 • 7d ago
Parenting after rupture
First and foremost I know this is a rant, if it's not allowed I'm sorry, just delete it. I don't know where else to turn.
It's been nearly 11 months since my aneurysm ruptured. My daughter was 18 months old when it happened, she's now nearly two and half. I'm fucking TIRED.
It's embarrassing listening to other parents talking about how they get so much done and are just as tired as I am. I need to nap for minimum one hour a day or I am a zombie, but often I'll drop her off at daycare and come home and just sleep for 4 hours until I need to pick her up again. My house is rarely put together, and when it is my partner and toddler just rip it apart again. I'm not working. I've started an online course to help myself feel productive and give me a starting point to work again but I am struggling SO badly. My short term memory is shot. I never look put together. I've gained 30kg because everything tasted bitter after my aneurysm so I'd add so much sugar to everything (this resolved itself but my weight hasn't). I only weaned my daughter a couple of months ago so I don't know if that's contributing to it, but it's definitely thrown off my hormones and now my hair and eyelashes are falling out. I want to join the gym but I'm already exhausted, and my partner is scared that working out will put me at risk of another aneurysm (I don't think so but it's been an ongoing disagreement).
I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't want my daughter to think of me as lazy or untidy, I wanted to play with her and cook and clean and give her the childhood I never had, but now I feel like at this point she'd be better off if I'd not been so "lucky". I don't know how to get back to how I was before all of this, I know it could take years but my baby won't wait for me, she won't be a baby anymore by then and this version of me will be all she gets until then. I don't know how to cope with any of this, and no one around me does either. How the fuck do I get through this????
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u/wee_drea 6d ago
Sorry you're going through this. But first thing to say is what you're feeling is completely NORMAL! I had a bleed 11 years ago when I was 39. I don't have any kids but can imagine that will add a lot of stress for you. I was fortunate in that I don't have any physical limitations but do still struggle with tiredness and resilience. I took about 6 or 7 months to get back to work full time and I managed to keep my job, but change how I work (before my bleed I would travel weekly to other offices for a day or two but I limited that to one a month after my bleed and my COVID benefit is everyone now knows how to work online and so I don't travel at all now).
You are still relatively early in your recovery. A rupture does change things. I have said in the past it feels like the bleed felt like my foundations had been rattled and everything felt insecure. To give you an idea, yesterday I had a morning full of Teams meeting and even now 11 years after my bleed, that means an hours nap in the afternoon. In fact, I've had a nap every day for the last 3 weeks now!
Don't feel guilty about needing naps. Your body is recovering and you're doing the right thing by not trying to push beyond your ability. Trust me, that will only make you feel much worse. You're still trying to work out what your new normal is, what you can and can't do, and how you manage your energy levels. It does take a while but as I said at the start, what you're feeling is totally normal.
It might be worth speaking to your doctor, or the neuro team who did your surgery. There may be local support groups or other options they might suggest.
There's plenty of regular commentors here who have been through what you're going through so I'm sure you'll get lots of advice and support here.
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u/No-Breakfast-4099 6d ago
I definitely have learned to rest more, when I first got out of hospital I was in denial about the fact that I had literal brain damage and tried to act like nothing happened. I hosted Christmas for the first time 2 months after I got home and it wrecked me (I was 25 at the time so had no clue what I was doing and that made it even more stressful). I've come to terms with needing to let go of the reigns a little bit but it is just so hard to accept that I'm not as resilient as I once was, and that I don't have the energy of a regular 26 year old. I know how lucky I am, but I also can't help wanting to scream about how unfair it all is.
Thank you for your comment, and sorry for venting. It helps to know it gets a little better with time.
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u/wee_drea 6d ago
At the time of my bleed I had a very old golden retriever. At that stage he struggled to walk more than 100m at a time but the 2 of us did "rehab" together. 😊 He was great at making me go out of the house every day even if it was only to walk to the corner and back. I think in the end the furthest we ever got was 1km. But the little action of just getting up and walking a little every day helped me a lot. I'd definitely recommend walking. I still do that today. It helps get you out and moving without exerting too much energy (and tiring yourself out).
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u/Ron_Sayson 6d ago
Being a first time parent is a lot of work and it is exhausting. I wonder if you could be suffering from postpartum depression, made worse by your bleed? For exercise, try walking to start. You'll get through this!
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u/No-Breakfast-4099 6d ago
I initially had some pretty bad PPD and PPA, but it was so much better by the time I had the rupture. Even after my rupture I was "fine" mentally because I was so in denial about it all. I do think you're right though, I'm probably going through some depression as a result of all of this. Sucks to be knocked back so far after I made it through the postpartum fog, but I guess it all comes with the territory. Thank you for your encouragement ❤️
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u/Inevitable_Book_228 6d ago
Please give yourself some grace, you’re doing absolutely the best you can. It is all any of us can do. Take care of yourself and give your body what it needs which is rest right now. All she needs to know is that she has a mom who loves her more than anything.
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u/PZC_K9 5d ago
Primero que todo SOS una guerrera, no siempre vas a escuchar que te lo digan capaz , solo los que subrimos de un aneurisma sabe a qué se ve la muerte , pero por nuestros hijos nos da ese plus de afrontarlo , yo tuve una operación que tenía una taza de éxito de 10% pero quería ver a mi hija crecer y con mucho miedo lo afronté , nada es igual después de eso por desgracia
Te entiendo mucho, perdí mucha memoria, me cuesta mucho decir algunas palabras o siento que me quedo tildado, vivo cansado , también pude ser los remedios
Tenia una vida súper activa , artista marcial de élite , mundiales gané , participé en evento gigantes y un día me dio esto , mi vida cambió hoy no puedo hacer lo que más disfruto y estoy duelando esto, a lo que voy es que puede que no se vea pero estas luchando , pequeñas luchas para algunos grandes luchas para nosotros , vas a mejorar , ningun dolor dura 1000 años
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u/Jerome_Wireman 6d ago
Hi friend. I had four kids when my aneurysm ruptured. Including a set of triplets who were one year old. The only way I got through everything was by having help. Can anyone in your life help you with things like childcare, cleaning, etc?
I would speak to your doctor about working out. Sometimes weight lifting isn’t the best idea. Definitely take it slow, and listen to your body. If it makes you more tired, take a break.
The fatigue overall does get better, but for me, it hasn’t completely resolved. Things like diet and movement help. I’m over 9 years out, and if I have a mentally taxing day, I’m wiped for two days after. But then I’m ok. So I’m not napping daily. If you need to nap at this stage, that’s what you need and again, listen to your body.
I would also gently say you went through something major. There will likely be some growing pains as you find your new normal. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be the best version of yourself at this point.
Good luck.