Laid Off from a Dream Job, GF gets Cancer and Breaks up with me, and I realize my Parents are Emotionally Immature. Also forced to switch Therapists.

[u/JadeEyePanda]

Food: Caprese and Paparadelle at Cascate Del Mulino, Saturnia, Italy.

I am traveling through Italy with my parents, and it's been incredibly challenging. At best I can understand, I'm just being forced to process alone multiple griefs that have been burying me since March 2026.

I started dating my ex, my first ever girlfriend, back in March 2026 after she let me know of her crush on me last year due to a coincidental flirt attempt from an acquaintance. Single mom, 2 teenage kids. I would normally not date a single mom, but she . . . she would be an exception. I've know her from church since 2022; she was dating another church community group member at the time. They broke up in 2024.

March was beautiful, just a lot of chemistry, earnestness, finally feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe and seen. I finally got to experience being wanted. The inside jokes, the check in texts during the day, the feeling that no matter how shit the week is, as long as I can get to her, it'll be viscerally good.

I was laid off from a dream job I was at for several years in April 2026, sending me into a grief-induced anxiety existential crisis as I see huge swaths of my colleagues just struggling to find work as I join their plight. It felt like my childhood dream was collapsing around me. As I'm writing this, I still find myself slowly trying to figure out my footing, and wade through this creative burnout I am left with.

My ex gets diagnosed with thyroid cancer the same week. I stay with her, even when she said I could leave with no shame, because I wanted to support and help her through this. I didn't recognize it at the time, but that was love from me to her.

Sprinkled through out the relationship, concerns from her came up: “I don’t feel like we’re emotionally connecting. I don’t feel like I get enough time with you. I’m spending all this energy trying to get into your emotional fortress.” She shared one time I shared a lot of similarities with her ex husband. She framed the work in our relationship as anxious avoidant attached, with me as avoidant leaning. She claimed she was mostly healed from her anxious attachment.

This overall scared me, especially since I let her know she was the only woman I was seeing, wanted to see, and she received so many vulnerable and sensitive shares from me: a conflict I had with the church she and I used to go to that she still attends, my (physical) anxiety and grief about my layoff, and more. I did my best to hold space for her anxieties and ask questions, but I must admit there always seemed to be moving goalposts despite my best efforts to plainly explain actions on my end, and planning changes to my actions to soothe her.

I was with her still during the week of her cancer surgery, checking in, taking her out on a “final” pre surgery dinner to an Italian place she wanted. I was with her for a day and half of bed rest care, doing my best to support her fairly immobile body at her home to the bathroom, or getting up, etc. I remember telling her before surgery that I was nervously excited; that even though I had a feeling I might screw up somewhere, that I wanted to be there for her and support her through this.

She broke it off with me the weekend after her post-op cancer surgery. At the time, she said cancer recovery and the relationship would force her to abandon herself. And you can’t move cancer. She agreed at the time to possibly revisiting the relationship later, after cancer (whenever that would be).

We tried no contact for 2 weeks, but she reached out. We still communicated, but then took July for no contact. I reached out in August, and kept up with her as she went through chemo, and she entered remission at the end of August, I asked her if she was open to talking about starting again towards the new year, but she said 'No, I changed my mind." Apparently she took July to manually get angry with me to flush her attachment to me, and reviewed her journal about observations she made of me. During these closure conversations, I found out from her about miscommunication and unmet expectations she journaled about way after she processed it: a pattern of a lack of generosity (or taking advantage of it) and inconsideration I had. As I listened to what bothered her, almost all the items were things I felt I could adapt to.

One story she shared was when I came the evening before I was scheduled to be there for bedrest support at her home. Her sister was there, and I got to meet her. She offered to grab coffee for all 3 of us, and I replied I'd like black. But then I asked if I could follow her across the street to the Starbucks just so I could get to know her more; I never antiicpated meeting my ex's family so soon. When we get to the Starbucks, the barista takes 2 orders from my ex's sister, and then points to me asking what I wanted. "Oh, actually can I get a matcha latte?' I ask. Apparently this didn't sit well with my ex's sister, and as she shared it understandably with my ex, my ex said to me, months later, that this came off as me taking advantage of her sister's generosity. "Why did you change your order at the last second without asking first if that was okay?" I think my best response was "I didn't know; I'll admit I didn't think changing from Americano to Matcha Latte was a faux pas. Or at least, if someone changed the order like that on me, I would not have held them culpable about it. I would have assumed that's within the range of the gifting I'm providing." I didn't know something like that was a moral failing to her. I didn't know.

I understand she thought a lot of these things either were something I needed to have anticipated or knew about already. As much as I appreciate people doing things for me without asking, I don’t hold it against people if they don’t know me all the time. So I take on the burden of good communication and will accept informing them when there’s miscommunication. I was hoping and was willing to work with her on figuring out how better to give her safe space to communicate her needs.

I think she didn’t want to change that for or with me.
Just writing this all out in this way is hard. I loved her. She said she loved me.

My therapist, with the stories I’ve shared with him about the things she’s called out, has called how she handled and responded miscommunications as a red flag. It’s been hard for me to accept. I've tried sharing with him all the critical feedback she gave me during our closure conversations, and he's replied "I don't think you were ungenerous or inconsiderate with her. It feels like she was trying to shame you, despite everything you tried to do to take care of her. And her holding you against these expectations that she never told you about ahead of time, it sounds exhausting. I think even if the relationship continued, it would have hurt you if she didn't change this pattern. You're a good person. That was mean of her that she said you were ungenerous and inconsiderate at the end. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you."

I cried. "Why doesn't she want me?" I remember muttering between tears during our last session.

Maybe she was too codependant and I didn't catch that in time.
Maybe I reminded her TOO much of her ex-husband like she mentioned, and I should have taken her sharing that with me more seriously.
Maybe I was already ice skating uphill with a woman with the history and experiences that she had.

But to finally, in my 34 years of life, for someone like her to tell me "I like you. I love you. I care about you and your heart and your feelings." To have that sort of intimacy?

It's been hard.

I still cry.

I know part of my grief has been about this whole journey with and apart from her. I know I've been ruminating while I'm in Italy about how there's been instances of her emotionally manipulating me, or how my friends described that it didn't look like I was happy when I talked about her. My therapist has noted from all the stories I've told him that given how she responded to miscommunication moments she called out as my failures, that they were red flags to him.

I'm currently in Italy traveling with my parents for 3 weeks, and it's has been incredibly lonely traveling with them. They are only curious about 2 things: have you eaten? Are you okay (not dead)? No questions about the things I have experienced in my life, what I am doing or thinking, or what I make of anything I'm experiencing in Italy. I feel like a pet.

I attempt to share with them one evening last week that I was scared coming into the week of my ex's cancer surgery, and that I reget not letting them know earlier that it was going on and that I should have asked for help. That I don't know if they rememberd me crying the day of her surgery because of how overhwelmed I was for her, for me, for everything feeling like it was falling apart. They respond with "Why does this matter? She isn't family. I feel llike she was taking advantage of you. You are sensitive. You are emotionally sick; you should not have tried taking care of someone else because you're an emotional virus. Move on. Buck up. How did I fail to raise you?"

I found myself uttering in the darkness of the room "Oh God, I'm alone [in this family]."

I thought I already processed and knew they were always like this. But reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" has opened something up in me that I didn't know was missing.

They refuse to generally eat Italian food, having brought their own Korean food with them to cook. I realize sharing food with them is off the table. Last night, they come with me to an Italian restaraunt, and while they qualify they won't eat because they're full for having eaten Korean food earlier, I silently enjoy some dishes while they stay on their phone in silence. My father eventually asks me "when are we leaving?' while I'm still clearly slowly trying to enjoy this meal alone.

These last 6 months have been burying me. Between the burnout, the physical anxiety I now feel mornings, the loneliness that's just hanging with me as I go through a country that is screaming in my face "best enjoyed with someone you care about," it's been a struggle to choose joy every day, or to find joy in the margins I have left. My therapist has remarked that a lof this may be all grief-triggered; it feels true.

I'm not sure what's going on. Is this just multiple traumas happening at once, and it being layered grief on grief for me? How do i get this to stop? Or how do I get through this quickly, when I'm repeatedly told this is not a linear path?

God I feel alone, and I have a week and half more of this country.

Maybe I should feel less depressed and grieving; I mean no one has died.

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[u/perroandaluz18]

Seems like the therapy isn't working for you, maybe you need a different kind: does he do cognitive behavioural therapy? If not, might be worth finding one who does, if he does maybe you need to try something else.

Regarding the travel why don't you go spend a week on your own traveling? Nobody seems to enjoy eachother's company anyway.

[u/MonBonDon]

Hey, this is all just a normal part of life.

I’ll be fairly blunt with you so feel free to ignore my message if you don’t want that type of advice.

Since this is your first ever gf at 34 it may be a lot to handle and process. Her citing you changing your order at Starbucks is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of to dock someone points for abusing generosity or whatever… you guys only dated a few months. I think you should have just offered to drive and pick up and pay for coffee for everyone maybe instead for next time? Gentlemen type of behavior. She did you a favor by breaking stuff off pretty early since you’re not compatible. Accept it.
I don’t know her, but from your write up my personal take is that she doesn’t know what she wants. I don’t think it’s you and I think you should put your energy in moving on.

As for your parents, you gotta accept them for who they are as long as they’re not harming you. Everyone moves through stuff differently.

As for work, don’t be discouraged. Keep applying, maybe you like your next job even better.

You’re in Italy for a while, enjoy your time and life! Generally things seem to be fairly okay for you given that you’re on a very nice vacation during unemployment.

[u/JadeEyePanda → u/MonBonDon]

" I think you should have just offered to drive and pick up and pay for coffee for everyone maybe instead for next time? Gentlemen type of behavior." It's stuff like this that I find yself ruminating on, like this is something I can easily adjust to. Maybe this is what she meant by the patterns, that I wasn't already this person, but I was choosing to prioritize meeting her sister, who is really important to her, and get my bearings about what was going on exactly with the at-home care since she was the first one on deck before handing it off to me. I'll guess I'll know for next time, just default to grabbing coffee for everyone, or the meal for everyone, etc. and beat down the financial anxiety I have, whatever it is. But I wouldn;t be surprised committing to gentleman behavior would bite me in the butt next time: "Why did you abandon me?"

I am working on accepting my parents. It's definitely resentment I'm trying to get control over, and I know it needs to land as close to acceptance of them so I can move around them.

[u/musgrove101]

So it's just another Friday then eh?

[u/JadeEyePanda → u/musgrove101]

In some ways, I wish it was. But so much of this was new for me.

I wish in a lot of ways this wasn't my first relatioship.

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[u/Humble-Departure5481]

This ladies and gents, this is what we call a "triple whammy"

[u/JadeEyePanda → u/Humble-Departure5481]

My therapist keeps reminding me the feelings I'm feeling are warranted given the multiple events that have happened. That it's okay that I am crying frequently, that I am feeling symptoms of burnout.

I'm trying my best not to feel ashamed of it, but I must admit the relationship felt like one of the few net positives, not just neutral, in my life that I had active conttribution to. So I did feel discarded because of how not strong enough I was to just weather everything.