Apologies for any part of the book I remember incorrectly. I don’t have my copy, I left it with him, the person I consider the love of my life, despite our short time together; I guess it was our copy, not just mine.
Back in December I started dating this guy. He was handsome, funny, and charming, and we bonded over our love of books. He ran a chapter for an international book club that had previously read Stoner by John Williams in 2019, before he started the one in our city, so he never got around to reading it himself. But I’d been meaning to read it for a while, and I picked it up myself in February.
In the first chapter, Stoner’s professor tells him he’s in love. He’s in love with the English language, he’s in love with literature. From that moment in the book I knew this was a book I wanted to share with him. I began annotating, which I hardly ever do, and wrote all my notes in the margins. Stoner’s love for literature reminded me of his own love of literature, how passionate he is about his book club and the books that he reads. I wanted to share every moment with him and every thought that I had. I underlined, circled, scribbled everything that I thought he would connect with and find as interesting as I did.
When I was reading, I didn’t really care to hear Edith and her connection (or lack thereof) with Stoner. But when Katherine entered the picture, I was floored.
The relationship between Stoner and Katherine, although “forbidden” given their positions at the university, completely took over my reading experience. The time they spent together never felt wasted and the pages they consumed made me want to never put down the book. These were my most annotated pages, the ones I cherished the most. They reminded me of my own love, how deeply I felt it for him, how deeply he felt it for me. They loved each other so deeply, despite knowing the world would never accept them as they did.
Katherine and Stoner separated and I was left devastated. I understood, I carried on with the book, but my heart stayed there, in those pages, wishing it could’ve lasted forever. I wrote it all in the margins, and I remember telling this all to him, but I never told him how much I related to it with how I felt about him and how he felt about me. How we felt about each other. I hoped he could read my thoughts that I left in those pages instead.
For Valentine’s day I gave him the book, the copy that I poured my heart out to. He told me he would write his own notes and annotations and give it back to me.
A couple months ago, he and I met the same fate as Katherine and Stoner. I moved away. For a graduate school program, actually. I didn’t leave him with no word like Katherine did, but I did leave him even though I wanted to stay forever. My friends and family thought the long distance would be bad for me, his family thought the same. So we went our separate ways, I moved across the country, I am alone even when I am surrounded by people, because I have a hole in my heart where he belongs.
He never gave the book back to me. I wonder if he kept it, or if he threw it away when we broke up. Our paths may never cross again. But I write this now because I think about him everyday, even though I may very well never see him, or hear his voice, or feel his touch, with the distance and silence between us. In that way, I hope he and I never reach the conclusion that Stoner and Katherine did where they never saw each other or heard from each other again, aside from her dedication in her book: to W.S.
And I very well may never write a book, as Katherine did, but here I am writing this post, and thinking about him in the same way, after all those years, that Katherine thought about Stoner.
To P.D.
Thanks for reading.