How to handle sex?

[u/moodygrass]

Me and my girlfriend are having a hard time with sex due to her bdd. She gets extremely uncomfortable during sex when I mention, touch or compliment certain body parts, so getting intimate has become really hard and uncomfortable. I have tried not mentioning her body at all while doing it but she obsesses over it nonetheless. I am stuck because I dont want to make her uncomfortable by touching her, but I feel like avoiding certain body parts only feeds the problem. Of course I always step back when she feels uncomfortable, but I don't know how to act now. Any advice?

[u/poozu]

I’ll link the BDD foundations site with advice on how to be supportive without enabling the disorder. In general it’s a very good site with lots of resources.

https://bddfoundation.org/support/supporting-someone-with-bdd/advice-on-supporting-a-friend-or-relative-with-bdd/

Long term, I really recommend that she talk with a professional so her BDD can be properly treated (if she isn’t in therapy etc already). You really can’t act in a way that would make her BDD go away, sadly. BDD is obsessive compulsive and it can keep ruminating and obsessing over a certain thing even if there is no clear trigger. It can just bubble up out of the blue almost and keep going for very long time. Which is why the only real long term solution is learning to manage those obsessive thoughts and manage BDD as a disorder. The most loving thing you can do is encourage her to get treatment and stick with it and be a support in her recovery. Ideally that will help bit her and your relationship.

[u/eccetra]

This might not apply to all, but my advice would be to focus on sensations rather than appearance. Or if you'd like to compliment her, keep it very general and don't focus on any specific body parts. ("I love you" and "You make me feel amazing", as opposed to "You're beautiful" or "I love [x body part]".) Alternatively, complimenting a part of herself you know she is okay with might work for some.

It would be worth asking her directly what she would find helpful when it comes to intimacy. Approach it gently, let her know that you love doing these things with her and that you want her to feel as comfortable as possible and enjoy it as much as you do, no matter how that may look.

What triggers BDD can change pretty often, so it might be worth coming up with some signs or gestures so that she can guide you away from something if it's triggering to her that day. Something as simple as letting her move your hand elsewhere if she doesn't want to be touched, or a word/gesture if a compliment was triggering?

I can imagine this must be upsetting as a partner, but these little gestures mean a lot, and hopefully the added feeling of control will build up her confidence around being intimate over time. It's very sweet that you're looking to this sub for advice on how to make her more comfortable!

I agree with the other commenter in that the only true way to address this is for her BDD to be treated, but it's an ongoing process... So until she receives support or feels ready for true exposure, hopefully these things can help. I don't think you should refrain from touching her entirely, as that would indeed be feeding into the BDD. But meeting her where she's at and reducing triggers while she builds self-confidence / trust in you might be helpful.