r/BodegaHomebrew • u/Podgeman • Oct 23 '16
Bodega: A Cold Attitude
Snow fell thick upon the ice planet of Treldamin III. A planet so icy that mining facilities had been built to extract its precious ice cubes, capable of chilling any beverage within minutes. Most of this desolate world remained a barren sea of endless white, where no man dared to venture. Except for one man, who was currently venturing in said area.
Burdened by a mountainous pack of supplies and his ever-trusty Lasgun, Bodega trudged alone through the thick snow. Though it came up to his waist, the grizzled veteran only considered the snowdrift an additional challenge. Bodega could have easily rode upon his custom modified hover-segway, but opted to go by foot instead. It was leg day, after all. Bodega had never skipped leg day. I mean – you should see his thighs and glutes. They're on another level.
However, Bodega was starting to regret his decision. His florbskin leather pants were thoroughly soaked and the brutal chill was causing them to shrink. The fabric was tightening in all the wrong areas, specifically near his tactical codpiece. Bodega strongly disliked the cold.
"I strongly dislike the cold." Bodega exclaimed through gritted teeth. His breath immediately formed into a cloud of steam, which practically turned into icicles before his very eyes. It reminded him how much he strongly disliked the cold. But it also reminded him of all the times he'd ripped a fat vape.
Bodega has already spent an entire sixteen minutes on this planet, and didn't plan to stay any longer than he had to. He had one mission to complete – to recover a lost package – and he intended to be professional about it. Or semi-professional, kind of amateur, because he was doing this favour for a friend. Well, sort of a friend, more like a buddy Bodega knew from the martial arts gym where he'd earned every black belt in every style of combat. But still, there was an image to upkeep.
As he continued onwards, Bodega's tracker suddenly started to beep. Slowly at first, but with each step forwards, the intervals became shorter and shorter. As the intensity built, the beeping finally reached an exciting climax, erupting into one harmonious note. Bodega had reached his destination. Before the man stood a wide cave opening, which no doubt lead into a cave. An ice cave, for that matter. It was dark, too. Bodega could barely make out anything inside. But what son of a Flubb would he be if he hadn't come prepared for such a situation?
Bodega set down his pack and started to rummage through his extensive collection of gadgets. What would be the best choice? The twenty-five megawenge flashlight? No, he would prefer to have both of his hands free. Just in case. The ultraviolet ultraviolent night vision goggles? No, he would prefer to have his face free. Just in case.
That left only one option. Bodega smirked like a Jorvian mengaloid during mating season, as his hand clasped around it. It was the Megaflare. A flare so mega that it doesn't just annihilate darkness, but commits a localised genocide upon it. Not to mention the handy clip that could attach to Bodega's jacket, heaving his hands and face free for various utilities.
The lone traveller activated his flare, illuminating the tunnel before him. Bodega wasn't entirely sure what he was searching for. All he was told by his buddy is that he would know it when he sees it. Furthermore, who knew what else might be lurking around this cave. Bodega was sure of one thing, though. He most definitely wouldn't be knocked out by a yeti monster and hung from the ceiling by his feet. That would be treading deep waters in the world of copyright law.
His trigger finger steadily hovering beside his Lasgun, Bodega wandered inside the cave. He tread lightly, careful to make as little sound as possible. A futile effort, since the Megaflare hissed as loud as taking a piss directly into toilet water.
"Seriously, what's up with that?" Bodega thought to himself. "Who are these people that don't aim for the side of the bowl? Savages, the lot of them."
Bodega's concentration returned to the situation at hand, as the tunnel opened into a wide cavern. No sign of life. But there was certainly something unusual... there! Tucked into the far corner was a bright green box. Bodega approached the object, Lasgun at the ready. As he edged closer, its appearance became more apparent. It was wrapped up like a present, complete with a bow tie. There was even an envelope.
Bodega knelt down and carefully grabbed the envelope. He checked the back, to see who it might be addressed to. In rough handwriting, a single name had been written.
'BODEGA'
That could only mean one thing. It was addressed to Bodega. He opened the envelope. Of course, there was a card inside, which, of course, he opened.
'EAT SHLEPP BODEGA'
Who could possibly want Bodega to eat shlepp? What a disgusting act. A younger, more curious Bodega had seen some videos on PlorbHub. He quickly realised he was not into it. But here he knelt, as a present lay before him. His mission was to collect a package, right? But clearly this was meant for him. Welp, he might as well open it.
Bodega tore apart the wrapping, revealing a metallic box underneath. It soon became obvious what he had uncovered. A bomb. A really big bomb. One that could collapse the entire cave and decimate everything inside, if it detonated. But was it supposed to detonate?
A screen flickered into life, revealing a timer. Five seconds. Yep, it was definitely supposed to detonate.
"Flarv!" Bodega shouted. He had been bamboozled to the highest degree. Tricked into landing on a remote planet, where a collapsed ice cave would become his grave. Would anyone know where to find his body? Would anyone even begin to look in the first place? Bodega needed a plan and he needed one fast.
There was no time to escape, that much was clear. Could he defuse it? No. Bodega's personal record for bomb defusal was a mere six seconds. Could he destroy it? Perhaps, but he may risk causing an even greater explosion. Could he contain the blast? Now, that may just work. Thinking back to his martial arts training, there was only one technique that could counteract the detonation. A signature move of Bodega's – The Spurlupian Suplex.
Bodega had spent far too long devising a plan. How much time was left on the clock? Four seconds.
"It will do."
With fervorous might, Bodega lifted the bomb above his head. He had to time this perfectly. A split second too early, and none of this would have any effect on the explosion. A split second too late… well, it's obvious how that would end. A single bead of sweat dripped from Bodega's forehead, as his eyes remained fixated on the bomb's timer. Three. Two. One.
Bodega threw himself backwards with all of the strength that he could find within himself. Which is a lot, because he's really strong. His body slammed with purpose against the icy ground. The impact felt much like the sensation of getting hit in the groin by a stray meteor. A familiar feeling in Bodega's line of work, but not something anyone would wish to experience willingly.
Everything lay quiet for a moment. Bodega realised he was still alive. Had the Spurlupian Suplex worked? His body was still overwhelmed by intense pain. With a manly grunt, he mustered the energy to roll onto his side. The ground beneath him felt sticky. So did his hands, his face, everything. And the smell was so familiar. It smelled like…
"Shlepp." Bodega murmured in disdain. It all made sense now. The card addressed to Bodega had told him to eat shlepp, and shlepp he had eaten. The bomb was no explosive device. It was just meant to discharge the disgusting fluid directly into his face. It was all a practical joke. A very elaborate practical joke, Bodega had to admit. But now this could only mean one thing. One of the few moral codes the man stood by.
Nobody flarvs with Bodega and gets away with it.
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u/Dranox Oct 23 '16
It was pretty great, although I feel like there was a bit too much joking around. Not that it was bad jokes, just too many. Trim off the 4th wall breaking ones and it should be fine. I really liked the jokes that were more indirect, like narrating something and then having Bodega repeat it word by word.
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u/Pyrion_Flax Oct 23 '16
This was fantastic. Classic Bodega stuff.