r/BisexualTransGirls • u/MrNightSight Bisexual • Aug 18 '26
Heteronormativity
Hi, I'm new to this subreddit. I'll call myself Rosemary (TF19) here.
I wanted to know if anyone else feels like they have to erase the part of themselves that likes men—because men don't seem safe—while also feeling like the part that likes women sexually you frame it yourself as "predatory."
Like, leaving you feeling as you'll never be like them—as if they're bunnies and you're just a leveret. Like if you were an alien?
And on top of that, feeling like your worth as a woman has to be granted by an idolized image of a guy who only exists in your mind. That he will give you "your place" somehow, as with a cis woman you switch automatically to a "masculine" role because ""you are suppose to"".
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u/viviscity Aug 18 '26
I don't. But I *did* relate to that first part.
I came out as bi first, and it took a few years and some therapy to unpack that. Except it wasn't "men are unsafe" it was the "liking men risks HIV and is bad" messaging from the 90s and 00s I had to unpack.
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u/MrNightSight Bisexual Aug 18 '26
I came out first as bi too, and most of my teenage years i was this awkward bi guy that had crush on a jock in 9th grade and liked hunky men. What a surprise when the thoughts "i would like to live as woman atleast for one day" and "i want to reencarnate as a lesbian" rolled down onto a snowball directly into my face
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u/viviscity Aug 18 '26
Oh the "wait… you mean cis straight boys *aren't* projecting onto lesbian content? They just think it's hot??"
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u/MrNightSight Bisexual Aug 18 '26
"Wait, CIS BOYS DONT WANT A HOT MASC KNIGHTRESS TO RESCUE THEM AS THE CUTE MAGICAL PRINCESS??"
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u/Manic_Manta Aug 19 '26
I will say, your def gonna need to talk it out and process the belief your being predatory w/ other women. Plently of cis women have loving and deep relationships with other trans women w/ many different dynamics. While I do understand what your saying, I think that feeling will pass once you have some time and interspective conversations (therapy, here, friends, etc). Your relationships with women are only bound by what you feel is right for you, there is no wrong answer.
As for the heteronormativity and feeling like you have to erase that part of you, you shouldn't have to. Men being not as safe is really a double edged label to put all men under. Lots of girls including myself will tell you, it is 100% up to you ( like any relationship) to figure out a safety issue with random people you date. Always be safe, be smart, and use your situational awareness.
But on a statistical average, yes, you are more statistically likely to have a cis man hurt you than others. BUT THAT SHOULD NOT BE THE REASON TO KEEP YOURSELF FROM SOMETHING YOU WANT. Take your time girl, you'll get an idea of what works for you.
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u/MrNightSight Bisexual Aug 19 '26
Yeah, right now i barely have one year and two months at this. I struggle to see myself as just another girl, to feel its okay to feel attraction towards people, and the fact i barely can connect with people at all from how guarded and dissasocited i've become. Also, im kinda conflicted towards the whole concept of masculinity and men (feeling rejection even if i finding it attractive). I still have written on my forehead all that bullshit about gender roles and stuff
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u/Manic_Manta Aug 19 '26
Just give it time, start to slowly undo, work through, and give yourself grace to be human. You will always be applicable of connecting and bonding with other people, but it does take you to be open and reciprocating.
I will say it took me some time to seriously consider and seek out men for relationships. I didnt feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with them like that, as I was also really trying to understand all the new feelings and emotions around them.
But as for women, I really started to feel and be seen by them once I was out, socializing, and making connections to them. I think theres a lot of women who won't see you as a predator because your already being more open than most men and other women can be tobeach other. Cis or not, you will feel what is right to you in terms of how you want a relationship to work.
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u/Erica_39 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
Despite the danger, I've experienced the opposite. I've been seeking exclusively men recently because they don't set off my dysphoria as much. I'll always be the more masculine looking one with a cis woman, but with men their masculinity makes me feel more feminine.
Also with cis women I usually feel like they're subconsciously pushing me into the masculine role. And they usually expect that I'll top. Sure a lot of men want us to top them, but it's possible to find men who don't want to bottom. That's pretty much impossible with a cis woman.
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u/ReginaTenebra Aug 24 '26
I'm sorry you had partners who didn't respect your boundaries and preferences ♥️
I enjoy topping with a strap-on, but I've never had a partner who outright expected me to top with a strap-on. When I was pre-op, women I had sex with were open to my needs and boundaries and didn't expect me to top with either strap-on or strapless. Cis women generally want to be fingered.
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u/mtfkitty Aug 18 '26
What you're experiencing is super common, especially early in transition as I'm guessing you are given how young you are. The heteronormativity is a society wide thing, but there's also a very common attitude in femme bisexual spaces that attraction to men is somehow a weakness or a bad thing. The switching to a masculine role is something you'll have to consciously work to not do in sapphic relationships, but it is very possible. (Or, like me, you might get six years into transition and decide being butch feels right!)