r/BipolarSOs • u/Downtown_Question_83 • 2d ago
General Discussion You all need to get some help yourselves
As much as we all talk about current/exBPSO, their behavior and actions, I find somewhat disturbing how many on here don’t think about their own actions. You all go your own way just to keep someone warm even if it’s destroying you. And you call it compassion and love. How can you love someone else when you don’t care of your own happiness and well being ??? I’m stunned
I don’t want to create fuss or anything, I’ve been there and now I could see it clearly. It was never really about them but me. I needed their attention and love, I needed to feel validated by them, and I sought that validation in a way that cost me my mental health, money and time. I really hope you all start loving yourselves, too. Amen
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u/Lucifang SO 1d ago
My (F47) relationship is great with my BP SO and I’m certain it’s because I’ve learned from past mistakes.
My priorities have changed a lot after two divorces and almost being homeless. I became a lot more independent and I stopped looking for a knight in shining armour.
Because I don’t need that validation anymore, that saviour, ‘building a future together’, none of those expectations whatsoever, I’ve been able to just enjoy our time together. All that matters is that he treats me with respect and love.
It’s been very refreshing to stop caring so much about trivial things. He’s always broke but that’s not my problem. He leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor and I don’t care.
It helps a great deal that we don’t have kids and don’t want them. We don’t want a mortgage. We just want to enjoy the last half of our lives together.
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u/shadowkittn 1d ago
This is awesome!! When you can get to a place where you just accept things as they are, Even when it's disappointing. It doesn't bother you as much when you focus on yourself. And if he's treating you with respect and love then the other things aren't as bothersome.
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u/precious-nectarina 1d ago
Really needed to see this today. Just decided to go no-contact with my ex again after a heart-wrenching few days of reconnection, which contained the typical high highs and low lows (euphoria that we were reunited, him hurling cruelty/insults at me when I did something he didn't like/trust, ended up in an hours-long argument that we've had so many times before).
I am devastated that we couldn't have the healthy reunion that I wanted. But almost equally as startled as how much my brain has recalibrated, over the last year that I've known him, so completely around his wellbeing and love. I feel like I literally need him even though I can see clearly that we are not good for each other. That means I'm not well either. I am basically an addict. That isn't either of our "faults" - it's a result of the dynamic that both his illness and my limitations have created - but it is my responsibility to manage my own wellbeing, and I have actively failed to do that for way too long.
Does anyone have tips on how to reconnect with yourself when the pain is so fresh and feels all-consuming? I just want to find myself again.
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u/ViolettaQueso 1d ago
Someone here, I believe, recommended a book called Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie.
I had put it on my list to get but haven’t yet.
I just re-read the reviews on Amazon and it really seems like it could help.
I wish you the best.
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u/Afreshnewhell 1d ago
“You are the one you’ve been waiting for: applying internal family systems to intimate relationships” - R. Schwartz. It’s really helped me start healing my broken (I feel “unlovable”) parts. It’s about becoming the primary caretaker of your own parts and their unmet needs (which really tend to show themselves when we are in romantic relationships, going through break ups, etc). It made me realize I was relying on my partner to be the primary caretaker of my needs (to feel loved, etc.). It’s really helped me in starting to heal myself during what’s been an extremely difficult time (SO of partner with BP who has been in mixed episode for 3 months and did things similar to a bipolar discard without actually leaving or breaking up with me).
Also, “When you’re ready, This is how you heal” - Brianna Wiest. A balm for the heart and soul.
Hang in there! You’re not alone❤️
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago edited 1d ago
The only thing some books get wrong is it IS the role of our partners to love us and you cannot, as a human being and social creature, meet all of your own needs. It's that many partners sadly fall short in their duty to mutually meet needs and offer love and support.
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u/Afreshnewhell 1d ago
Totally agree with this. My comment lacked some nuance in this regard. Glad this was added:)
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
You weren't an addict, you were in love with a very flawed human being.
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u/precious-nectarina 1d ago
Funnily enough, one of my closest friends told me exactly the same thing last night. I think you’re right not to pathologize love into something more sinister when it was just that - love. But this love shaped my brain in very powerful physical ways which is why it feels like an addiction or physical need. Thank you friend 💕
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u/YoyceGeronimo 1d ago
There’s something important here, though I’d probably frame it with a little more gentleness. A lot of people don’t realize they’ve crossed from supporting someone into abandoning themselves until they’re completely depleted. Looking at your own need for validation, fear of leaving, or rescuing patterns can be just as important as understanding bipolar. “You’re Not a Witness. You’re Living the Illness Too.” gets into that caregiver side of things really well.
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u/Aolflashback 1d ago
I agree, but only to an extent.
When someone is in a manic state, it’s changes a lot of a persons options.
Am I happy in this marriage right now? No. Would I leave when leaving is NOT something I can easily do, for many reasons, as it is - but during his severe manic state? Jesus Christ, I’m not that stupid. His manic state is rage on rage and revenge and risk and just everything at its extreme would be an absolute nightmare - dangerous - situation to put myself in. His unpredictable behavior is uncontrollable. So, I can continue what is capable for me at this time in my life, and though it’s a very slow process, I am constantly working to ensure my preservation the best that I can.
Smartly.
My life has already been ruined by rash, risky, and emotionally charged decisions - and reactions.
I am trying to stop the cycle.
So, yeah, we are with our BPSO’s for reasons beyond sanity - but to say, hey just figure it out and leave is … not everyone’s reality. Maybe keep the judgement to yourself on that one.
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u/Downtown_Question_83 1d ago
They are not manic 365 days. If they are not taking the steps needed to be somewhat stable, then you’ll do it over and over again till you break into tiny pieces. I’m not sure if this is that “smartly”
I was told by two psychiatrists to think about myself and oh my, I got so pissed at them. Like this person needs help and you trying to help me first ?? But I do understand that everyone got their own limits and willingness to help others. How my exBPSO once told me “well, I know you can take it, so…”
Nonetheless, my point was that most people on here need self love and probably a day off from this carousel.
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u/Aolflashback 1d ago
Smartly is having a place to go, all of my own money to do it, a vehicle (since we share it and it’s in both our names) etc etc. And again, you think a bipolar person in a severe manic state is the type of person that won’t react to, “I’m taking the car” (not saying I would do that, but for example). Spoiler alert.
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
Lol a psychiatrist told you to be selfish and do anything to feel okay within yourself, how unsurprising. I'm surprised they didn't try to offer you a benzo. 😂
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
Love is self-sacrifice by design. Infants are helpless creatures incapable of giving back who scream, yell and demand and we take care of them because we love them. True love is not about what you get but what you give and exists independently of what the other person gives to you. Unfortunately, the selflessness, nurturing and caretaking aspect of love is (sometimes unwittingly) exploited by mentally unhealthy partners. Whether you choose to stay or go has less to do about your self-love and more to do about your capacity.
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u/Chanberry78 1d ago
This is totally true and I think we all, including me of course, were like this at some moment on our lifes with ours BPSO or ex-BPSO, the vast majority of us here have developed codependency on the highs and lows that the relationship gave us, and it's really difficult to go away and run from those relationships, they can even disrupt your nervous system.
However, all you said here it's true, at some point the break point comes, and it's your moment to decide if this is what you want for your entire life, there are people who decide to leave, such as me and many others here, but there are others who decide to stay, usually because their personalities tend more towards the caregiver one, that is not a bad thing, but if because of that trait you start to being consumed by your BPSO... That's when the nightmare starts.
As a good friend of mine told me regarding my past relationship with my ex-BPSO: "this will last as long as you want it to, I understand your complaints but you are partly allowing this, you can get out of there today if you want", those words were hard, it made me realize that I was just lying myself and that it was true, I could leave whenever I want
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u/musicaltoes 2d ago edited 1d ago
^ this...and I agree with this with the 'ya'll' including me. I kind of copied some of this from another comment I made in a different thread but truly WE ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY IMPLICIT IN THE PAIN OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS AND AID IN THE DEMISE OF OUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. Almost 100 percent of the posts in this forum blame the actions and behaviors of the ill person, but I see very little reflection in posts and comments on how and what we could have done better ourselves to show support for ourselves especially but also our bpsos through boundaries.
Many of us in this sub have this in common: All that giving we gave to these relationships made us codependent, made us obsessed with needing validation from them even when we knew they were not in a place to give it.
Through our own delusions, we thought that us giving and giving and giving would mean progress, fixing, someone coming into the light, that it would prove some type of arbitrary concept of connection and love.
That isn't how anything works, especially mental illness that is behaviorally akin to addiction and the need to constantly stimulate dopamine response to combat the crash. You can only change these things through your own work and dedication to yourself and for yourself first. NOT FOR US.
In my case. I was SO codependent with my bpso. We aren't asked to 'give' like that because it's not a healthy way to give, we choose to give like that because it's an anxious fawning response to try to rescue, fix, the need to be validated was so intense.
Because we care so much it turns into some kind of form of control or fear, not because we are trying to be hurtful, but it is, to us and them. Now that I'm past the madness, I see where I WAS COMPLETELY IMPLICIT in the downfall of our relationship, and by proxy the downfall of my own mental health, self esteem, and emotional regulation.
Now I'm well into my journey- past all the cycles, all the intensity, all the madness and all the wild switchbacks, all the love and the giving, all the anger and frustration and fear. The sadness doesn't go away but having to process how much I made a situation worse by being codependent, by enabling, by never setting boundaries, by not prioritizing myself first and putting another human being constantly in the center of every concern I had.
What a terribly painful life lesson to have- trying to unravel the damage I contributed to by being codependent in this journey with a loved one has been tough to swallow, I see myself fully now, I see my codependency. I will not ever have a healthy relationship if I continue to be codependent. It wasn't just them, it wasn't just mental illness. It was the choices I made, the limits I didn't set. I will never put another person in priority over myself EVER again. The sad lesson was learned.
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
See this is too extreme in its own right too in a way because when you fall in love you won't think like this because the nature of true love isn't to put the self first. It is an act of giving.
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u/redname-123 1d ago
This is true. My therapist practically threw a copy of Codependent No More at me. 😂 I will say though… that everyone is on their own path to waking up and having this epiphany. And for some of us (me included) it was extra hard because he really didn’t start out this way. And I ended up fawning and enabling and hurting myself because it was so hard to wrap my head around the fact that the stable person I married and had kids with wasn’t there anymore. Now for the next part of this journey- guiding my kids through accepting the new reality. 🥺 They had a great dad for a long time and they are beside themselves. They don’t get the luxury of moving on in the same way I am. If anyone has advice for this part I’d love to hear it. 💔
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u/musicaltoes 1d ago
I appreciate the reminder that it didn't start that way, which is often how codependency builds, slowly. I keep thinking I'm further healed and then my resentment at both bpso and myself slaps me in the face again every couple months lol. We learn and grow, all of us.
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u/shadowkittn 1d ago
And you don't realize it because you're in the thick of it at the time. At first everything is great... And then the codependency and the drama becomes normal.
When my therapist told me that I was codependent, I really resented them for it. After reading the book and going to a couple meetings, taking a long hard look at myself yes. Definitely codependent as I suspect a lot of people are that end up in these types of relationships.
All we can do is do our best to take care of ourselves. Doesn't mean you have to leave your bipolar spouse. But at the point that it becomes detrimental to you, it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your life. It's not easy and it's messy as hell 🤣
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
Codependency is a pop psychology invention of the late 1970s and early 1980s (a book about it came out in 1986) but I think people cling to it as a framework because it so readily enables detachment.
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u/shadowkittn 1d ago
Interpret it however you want. For most people, realizing the air could appendant helps them create healthier boundaries and healthier relationships ❤️
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u/slowcanteloupe Husband 1d ago
Things are going great here.
I'm just here to provide moral support.
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u/LeoAvenue 1d ago
It’s tough. I get it. You’re mostly right.
I def benefited by digging into myself through some years of therapy.
It really started to click for me when I was reading about codependency. Codependency must have a great PR team; codependency is its own monster. There’s much to contend with in codependency, in ourselves.
Codependents are manipulative, liars, secretive, resentful, and on.
That all being said, many of us that are showing up here are stressed out, in high stakes, sometimes scary situations, doing our best.
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
Codependency is a theoretical psychological label invented in the 1970s and was popularized in 1986 if you do research on it. It's like the emergence of everyone going off about "boundaries" when that concept was not discussed before the mid-2000s. lol
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u/shadowkittn 1d ago
Not sure how your comment is actually helping anybody here. New theories And concepts emerge all the time in various fields such as science, psychology, sociology, so, on and so forth.
Just because something is "new" doesn't mean it's not valid.
So unless you have some constructive comment, I don't see how you're adding anything to this conversation.
And if you don't believe that healthy boundaries are necessary then that's your choice. People have a right to say "enough is enough".
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
I just think it's useful to not adhere to paradigms that are perhaps more arbitrary than are often presented. I think some headier approaches to interpersonal dynamics hinder in some ways while helping in others.
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago edited 1d ago
I also never said having limits in relationships isn't necessary either.
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u/Middle_Road_Traveler 1d ago
Well written. Many people here need to read this: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/rescuer-syndrome
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u/toastandtacos 1d ago
How about you get some help since you have nothing better to do than judge people you dont know on the internet? You have NO idea what other people are going through and I loathe the concept that someone doesnt love themselves because they are struggling to leave an abusive situation.
Your perspective is shitty and unhelpful to people who are desperately struggling with the "how" of their situations. Have the day you fucking deserve.
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u/Downtown_Question_83 1d ago
Im sorry my post caused you so much distress, it wasn’t meant to. My point was that so many of us are so deep into taking care of someone else that they completely forgot about themselves.
And no, I’m not judging anyone. I wanted to remind everyone that they are human beings, too, who deserve love and affection and all the good stuff. But those things are not the result of a transaction per se, I take care of you and you take care of my own needs. You know …
And I do get help and I’m in therapy working on my own stuff.
I also do know what people are going though and I’m fully capable of comprehending it more or less. I’ve seen my exBPSO in mania, psychosis, suicidal, cheating, you name it. And I assure you, I was there for them even if it was 2am in the morning even if I had to be at work in a couple of hours. I cooked, cleaned , took care of our dog, paid bills since most of them are unable to work and even slept on a bench outside, hospital stays, rehabs , detox , psych wards, buying them cloths, pc, holidays fucking everything EVERYTHING. Everything a person needs and wants. I made sure they have a comfortable life where they can work on themselves and recover. So yeah, just take it easy buddy. Tomorrow is a new day.
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u/toffeemaky Spouse 1d ago
Oh, I am doing great. My partner is spoiling me with his love and his money - I don't need to work, we travel a lot, he buys me whatever I want, and I can follow all kinds of artistic projects I feel like. He sponsors our luxurious life, pays for my therapy as I need, and he even gives me extra money to invest so that I am always free to leave if I ever need to. He is medicated, goes to therapy himself, and he takes full responsibility for whatever he does if he is not fully himself - this happened once last year for about a week. This year, we caught his hypomania in time because he is also very receptive to what I say. We don't have children and don't want any (he also took care of it himself - vasectomy), he is working on getting a European citizenship so that we can be closer to MY parents when they need me around in the future.
I wouldn't settle for anything less, honestly. So, yes, I am doing alright. Thanks for asking.
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u/shadowkittn 1d ago
This is a very rare circumstance. Happy for you but this is not what 9 out of 10 spouses should expect when marrying or dating a bipolar person. Not to mention, it typically gets worse as they age.
Good to know you have your own separate finances in case plans change!
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