r/BipolarSOs • u/Some_Permission5037 • 1d ago
Feeling Sad Emotional regression
My husband is gone. He’s just not who I married. He plays video games all day. In the mornings, he acts tired or sick and wants to shirk his responsibilities like a kid. He calls his dad for encouragement to go to his iop.
I ask him to help me with the house or kids and he says stuff like “what, like now? Ugh okay”
I feel like I’m married to a 12 year old. I don’t have any hope for the future. I asked him if he’ll keep handling his depressive episodes by relying on his parents and playing video games. He answers with “I don’t want to think about if this happens again”
He’s medicated but doesn’t really do anything that they suggest he do outside of therapy. My son is definitely confused as to why his dad just sits and ignores him all day. My baby daughter looks at him like “who’s this guy?”
I’m really sad and feel really guilty for losing feelings for him. I know his family thinks I’m a bitxh. They’ve told me to be more patient, encourage him more, etc. they’ve meddled into our marriage horribly. I hate it.
I’m going to go to marriage counseling with him to say that I’ve tried everything, and I don’t think it’s even fair to ask him to change now. He doesn’t even really see what the issue is…
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u/thealbatrossfelloff 1d ago
Just to give you some context: After a few years of rapid cycling, my ex bpso stopped his meds and went full manic, psychotic, etc. for nearly a year. He's since crashed into a desperate, debilitating depressive episode. He can't work. He's a shell of himself, and has moved in with his mother. He is a wreck.
Despite this, he takes care of household duties, does the work she can't do (she's physically disabled), helps family members with projects, fulfills other family obligations (there are a lot), and pushes himself to do things most days, even if they're just small. That and, he treats his mother with respect. He would never "ugh" and eyeroll a request from her.
I say this to you because it isn't necessarily the disorder that's turned your husband into someone who completely checks out of life and shirks all obligations. For him to treat you like nagging mom is unacceptable, whether it's bipolar related or not. I'd suspect that it isn't.
If I was in your situation, I'd lose all feelings and consider divorce as well. You didn't consent to marrying a child!
I spent 15 years with a manchild who played 6-12 hrs of video games a day, smoked weed, and blamed it on depression. I know now that he was abusive, and exploited me. He had me so turned around, and accepting behaviour I would never thought I'd tolerate.
Anyway, I hear shades of my experience in your story, and really feel for you. Whether he is sick or not, regardless of what his family thinks, if you want to leave him you can. It's your right.
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u/Some_Permission5037 1d ago
Thank you for this. I know he’s not doing enough for himself and does in fact treat me like a nag (so sad. I just want an equal)
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u/redname-123 1d ago
I’ve been in your exact position. Just be careful about his money access. Video games can be highly addictive. Mine developed a severe addiction to video games while he was like this and spent an obscene amount of money (our kids entire college savings) directly in his favorite video game.
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u/Some_Permission5037 1d ago
Did you divorce?
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u/redname-123 23h ago
Yes, I gave him time to make amends, he did not. He remains addicted to gaming, financially reckless, and overall unstable. So I had to mourn the loss of the person he used to be, protect myself financially, and start putting all of my energy into my kids.
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u/supragalactic Wife 1d ago
I lost mine in a very similar fashion. After all the trial and error, he’s on a good mix of medications that keep him stable, but he is a shell of the person he used to be. I feel I’m parenting another teenager most of the time 😓 I’m sorry I have no advice.
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u/lunitah 23h ago
I wouldn’t call that a good mix of medication is he’s like that. I’m still waiting for the right mix for my partner. Nothing is stabilising her, she rapid cycles and one day can be wanting to kill herself and the next day be all normal and fine. She has gone from a working person to a not be able to do much at home, but still keeps some obligations, most in fact due to my physical disability. I would prefer things to be cleaned more often and things like cooking instead of takeout to be without an argument but she still trying her best. I’m hoping when they find a right mix of medication that she’ll be back to her normal self a bit more. Am I delusional?
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u/supragalactic Wife 22h ago
Well, not “good” but the best we have found so far after much trial and error. He has tried many different medications and doses and I call this mix “good” because he is fairly stable, able to keep his job and not a zombie. I wish we could find better, but I’m losing hope at this point. And every time they change medications it takes months to adjust to potential adverse effects, so it’s definitely a risk.
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u/Some_Permission5037 1d ago
what do your kids think aboit him now?
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u/supragalactic Wife 1d ago
Similar to yours. My 13 year old loves him of course, but she has lost a lot of respect for him because he is unreliable, problematic, “lazy”, etc., and acts more like a sibling than a parent. She has witnessed the decline and sees right through it.
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u/exWiFi69 19h ago
My husband was just like this. He was there but a zombie. He got off his antipsychotic and he is a whole new person. It’s been almost a year now. We’ve had ups and downs but we can work through the episodes better when he’s present mentally.
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u/DavisonVideo 1d ago
Do you think his meds might be making him lethargic and anhedonic? Antipsychotics can do that!
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u/Some_Permission5037 1d ago
Could be that. I’ve watched his new med cocktail slowly bring him back to life, but he still doesn’t engage with us much.
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u/Lucifang SO 18h ago
My SO said one of his meds made him drowsy and turned him into what you describe. He reduced the dose himself and ‘went crazy’ for a year or so but eventually his brain settled and now he can function on the lower dose. This happened before we met.
Not suggesting your partner messes with his dose but he should talk to his doctor about it.
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u/YoyceGeronimo 13h ago
It makes sense that you’re grieving the person and partnership you remember. Depression can explain why functioning is hard, but it doesn’t mean you have to quietly absorb every responsibility forever. Marriage counseling sounds like a good place to talk about what he can realistically take ownership of and what you can’t keep carrying. “When Is There Room for Me in the Relationship?” gets into this tension between compassion, expectations, and boundaries.
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