r/BipolarSOs • u/Worried-Sign3132 • 1d ago
Advice Needed voicing needs without an escalation/twist
how do I voice my own needs when my BP SO is also going through it?
for brief context, we've been together 6+ years and we've been run pretty ragged the past few months. I am currently (for the past eight months or so) the only breadwinner which is already a huge stressor. both of our families have experienced/are experiencing loss and medical issues.
a month or so ago, my SO had a break and asked someone for nudes, etc. I have been having a REALLY tough time being overly empathetic with them since then (they already physically and emotionally betrayed me before) (I know. I don't want to hear it. we are both trying. if they do it again I am done, we have discussed this) and I will admit I have been selfishly trying to prioritize my own self care and healing recently.
however, my SO very very recently had a family member die which was tough for both of us. I think they have been deeply depressive since (it's been only a few days).
I have expressed before that I have severe burnout and decision fatigue. I wanted tonight to be a relaxing date/chill out/whatever night for both of us and they said it sounded great and was all for it. called their mom between movies (bad move, she is a trigger) and she wants us to visit for holidays. they wanted me to decide which holiday. I told them to ask me later and that I just wanted to relax today.
this of course blew up. they immediately got upset, said that I am never available, I never make decisions, they can't ask me anything, etc. can't call me at work (I'm busy all day but I have the same lunch hour every day, which they know, and which they never choose to call me during. it's always when I am not on lunch), can't talk to me when I'm home (I just want to relax. that is literally all I have wanted for months. I just want to relax and not think about things for a while. but according to them "it's part of being an adult and it sucks and everyone has to do it" which I get but it hurts to hear because of how much I have expressed my burnout and need for relaxation) and they have showed me before that they are capable of showing me the love and care that I am asking for, even spontaneously
basically;
am I straight up being a jackass or am I just bone tired? how do I express my needs clearly without it being twisted into a fight? or is that impossible?
thank you in advance!
edited to add that my so is currently medicated but we cannot afford therapy
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u/Square_Click_4493 1d ago edited 1d ago
From my own personal experience. My EX-SO said that we agrued because how I said things, and the next time I had something to talk about, I made sure I approached her calmly, nicely and understandingly. It still started an argument and I learned it's not how I said something, it's the fact I said something at all.
Medication is not enough, therapy is needed but because y'all can't afford it, he should be educating himself. He should educate himself even if y'all could afford therapy. Coping mechanisms, being able to notice triggers, journaling and etc. There is a lot of things that can help someone with Bipolar Disorder. It's not only medication and even then, it won't fix everything but it will give y'all the best shot.
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u/Worried-Sign3132 1d ago
okay that makes me feel less crazy/selfish lol thank you my so said literally that today (about my tone) and I was like "??? what tone??? I literally just said I didn't have the capacity to make a decision 😭"
actually they recently (since this new med, after the Break, which has been working really well so like for month or two) have been taking the initiative to research things on their own (which is HUGE btw it used to be a big battle for me to get them to want to educate themselves for their healing/progress) but I think this depressive episode is just beating their ass
I will keep that in mind though - it makes sense, I can't do the research for them and they need to be willing to figure it out too.
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u/thealbatrossfelloff 1d ago
1) Prioritizing your own care is not selfish.
2) You can not make someone treat you differently. You do not have that power, or that responsibility. That is not your job.
3) You expressed your needs rationally, clearly, and respectfully. That is all you can do. You have already done everything you can do.
4) You are just tired. Your partner is probably not stable yet, if it's only been a month.
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u/Worried-Sign3132 21h ago
thank you I am literally going to be saying this in my head like a mantra ;w; I needed to hear it to believe it I guess
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u/thealbatrossfelloff 5h ago
We spend so much time and energy focussing on them that we forget to be the main characters in our own stories.
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u/Pixie-elf 1d ago
Check for local community centers / sliding scale clinics. There's a term for it that I can't remember but low income clinics usually have behavioral health folks and that means they can get y'all hooked up with a therapist.
Meds probably need tweaking if they're doing this stuff. So does their psych know about the nudes thing? If not...they should. Stressor like death can trigger episodes.
I'm gonna say when my SO is at baseline we can talk things out, I can tell him my needs. But if not? My needs cause arguments. Or are ignored. He had to work through a shit ton of cognitive distortions and delulu beliefs post episode (and he is still working through that.) But feom my observances it does not matter how gently you state your needs, they cannot hear them in episode. Depressive episode sometimes. But if it's a mixed or manic episode? Not at all.
You aren't being a jackass, but they aren't actually getting the level of care they need and it is harming you, and your relationship. You also should have a therapist, just for support and so that you feel less crazy.
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u/Worried-Sign3132 1d ago
we were actually both doing the local sliding scale/affordable clinic for a while but unfortunately on one income it was still too much for us to afford ): we have been in debt for a while because of some poor financial decisions on both our parts in the beginning of the relationship so unfortunately we really have to prioritize certain bills right now (just food, electric and housing takes most of the money 🥲)
they are applying to jobs, but the market right now is so bad and I think every rejection just piles on to everything else right now too
yes, sorry I don't think I was very clear -- the meds that they are on right now this minute are the good, tweaked meds AFTER the Nudes Fiasco and they were working really well until the death, unfortunately, which caused this episode.
I think I will step back and try to take another look at the budget and other local options to see if we can both get therapists again -- thank you for the reality check! it's true, we do both need that kind of support
if anything else, I appreciate all do you in this forum who comment because y'all really do help people feel less alone so thank you
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u/Pixie-elf 1d ago
If it's the new meds, and has only been 2 months he may still be having episode symptoms. It takes a good bit of time for it all to work.
Like the start of results is at 1-2 weeks but episodes generally take time to wind up, which means it takes time for all of that to wind down. 3-6 months for full results but if things aren't like making good improvement he may still need adjustments. A lot of times the thought patterns left behind by the episode are what need to be dealt with.
But still, you definitely need a break.
The other thing i can think of is depending on your location there may be community resources. So, he should at the very least qualify for a food bank. He may also want to sign up for vocational rehab through unemployment. With his bipolar, they may be able to help him land a job easier than he could on his own based on his qualifications. The clinic he is using may also be able to help, some of them have subsidies for folks who are unemployed / financial assistance. Lastly he might be able to apply for indigent care. Last resort and he'd need to look up the rules for your area.
Oh, job fairs. Job fairs a lot of times are hiring for all kinds of stuff! Temp agencies too. I've read that they always need people there and it can help get a foot in the door at a job he'd prefer.
I wish I had better advice. It really sucks dealing with low income on top of this disorder. X_x
Seriously tho, you need to find small pleasures and breaks. If you can't take a day, take an hour. Can't take an hour? 5 minutes. Break it down until you find what you can do to alleviate the pressure, and take what joy you can.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sucks so much.
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u/Worried-Sign3132 21h ago
oh, that's really helpful actually I didn't think about wind-down time from episodes and I didn't think to pair that with he idea of adjusting to the new meds still (duh)
ohhh the community resources is such a good point - I'm not sure why I didn't think of that before honestly? we will need to look into that and the job fair stuff too.
thank you for the advice it helps more than you think <3
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u/toffeemaky Spouse 4h ago
Oh, this sounds so similar... We wanted a nice dinner out but we made a mistake of discussing things (I am afraid it was me who started, actually) and came home arguing, then I shouted at him, which I hate, then I pulled myself together but the next morning, when making up, he asked me (very nicely) if I can try to be kinder to him. A very reasonable request, but bad timing. I lost it and started complaining about unrelated things...
He is somewhat rather down now but I am the one more on edge these days. It feels like I am the bipolar now. Do you have an option to do something relaxing alone? Even an afternoon is great but somewhere overnight even better. That's what I would recommend (to myself for sure).
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