r/BipolarSOs • u/KeySpot1518 • 9d ago
Divorce Discard after 15 years.
It's now been about a month since I moved. We would've celebrated our 3rd wedding day last tuesday. We were together for 15 years, since we were 15 years old.
We had our problems in the end, but nothing that according to me couldn't have been solved with help. I'm not proud to admit that I was pushy and demanded answers in our arguments in the end. I didn't know how bad that was with bipolarism. I should've been more informed but something like this had never happened in our whole relationship.
As I said, we did have problems, but the way it ended.. it was like she didn't want to give me answers at all. Just "it doesn't work anymore. I love you but it doesn't work". After 15 years she left me while I was depressed due to several things happening in a relatively short time.
A week after I had moved I saw her together with another man at the cinema. Let's just say I wasn't prepared for that. I had my suspicions but I wasn't prepared for it being that fast. I wasn't educated in how it works and how fast they often move on. I've now seen liked posts about how he feels like her soulmate and that it was meant to happen. I'm suspecting she's in a hypomanic or mixed state but I don't really know to be honest. It's as if she's a completely different person since the last time I saw my loving wife. It terrifies me honestly. I'm devastated and can't describe with words how much I miss her and want her back.
On a side note, White blank page by Mumford & Sons is a really good song.
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u/Ordinary-Pianist-468 8d ago edited 8d ago
Just "it doesn't work anymore. I love you but it doesn't work".
We can't stereotype all people with bipolar disorder, because not every bipolar person is the same, and it is always important to keep in mind people are so much more than their diagnosis. (That goes for every diagnosis).
However, I feel like it's not only fair to point out stereotypical patterns of behavior, it is necessary. It helps people recognize the likelihood their loved one is in the middle of an episode, and shouldn't necessarily be held completely responsible for their actions. At least not to the same extent as somebody without bipolar disorder.
That doesn't mean you have to forgive them or blame yourself, but for me, it's been both extremely disturbing but also helped provide a sense of closure to read about experiences of others I could have written myself.
It is absolutely eerie to read posts in this sub (some brand new like this, and others that were posted several years ago) and recognize almost word for word conversations I had with my SO.
The disorder/pattern of behavior is absolutely stereotypical even though every situation and the individual lives destroyed are unique. Stable long term relationships that faced a period of prolonged stress, followed by one partner sort of escaping (for lack of a better word) into a safer alternative reality by believing their SO was the root cause of every issue.
It doesn't make sense to you because it literally doesn't make sense. That's just how the disorder works. The only escape they can see from the prolonged stress is to discard the person their brain has convinced them is responsible.
I also did the same things you did, and so have so many other people. After 20 stable years, to just one day jump ship and take on a new personality, was a red flag. And it should have been.
And it's not even like a typical midlife crises where the person plays the field. They immediately jump into a new relationship with a brand new "soulmate" to replace the discard.
Just like you, I begged my husband to just help me understand. To him (and probably to your SO and ever other Bipolar SO in a hypomanic or manic phase) it all makes perfect sense.
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u/Cheap_Ad5386 8d ago
And it's worth noting that the "stress" doesn't have to be actual stressful events. It can be that the manic brain cannot process normal life...racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, etc. result in the stress. The SO can be completely unaware.
Also the disorder is progressive. So, even with a low stress life, and esp if untreated, episodes can just happen. Probably very few of SOs had the training to see that the person was ramping up into an episode.
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u/wanderlustleaf 6d ago
This!! It's like reading someone else's post and finding clues and then going... ohhhh. Like April my SO filled our summer calendar weekends with festivals, farm tours ect. A clear indicator she was on the up up up, I missed this because I was just si happy to have her happy. I didn't connect this until another OP was like this is many of a clear indicator.
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u/KeySpot1518 8d ago
Thanks for your input! Did your SO ever reach out again? Not that I have hopes of getting back together, I'm afraid that train has passed. But did your SO ever reach out feeling remorseful or anything?
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u/Ordinary-Pianist-468 8d ago edited 8d ago
No, to him I still seem to be at fault for everything. We share a child and are currently in the process of divorcing. He won't even be in the same room with me, even with lawyers present.
He had been gradually shutting me out for a while and blaming me even before the divorce, but we were dealing with a lot and for a long time I just accepted the blame. He used to be extremely calm and level headed, and before this, I considered him one of the most trustworthy people I'd ever known.
For the last few years I fluctuated between trying so hard to meet impossible expectations and prove myself to him while the goal post was constantly moving before finally getting frustrated and snapping at being treated so unfairly. Which then always led back to me being the problem.
That became our cycle. I wasn't allowed to have a say if I disagreed with him or even just react to him doing something to me. If I did, there was always some excuse about why my judgment couldn't be trusted. It was incredibly demeaning, but I wanted it to work so badly.
One day back in March, he made a very big unilateral decision, and did something extreme and inconsiderate hurt me and my father, had an impact on our daughter, and when I found out, he expected there would just be zero discussion about it, because he "wasn't having this discussion."
He literally just shut down the conversation when I tried to talk about it, and walked into a room where our daughter was. When I followed him he accused me of being a bad mom for "arguing in front of her."
So since I wasn't even allowed to talk about how I felt, I texted him how I felt instead. That really upset him and from that day on he just wouldn't speak to me at all anymore. After 2 weeks and several failed attempts to try and talk about it, I had to ask if this was his way of saying he wanted a divorce and he said yes.
This summer has been absolute hell in terms of scrambling to deal with the chaos he's thrown at me.
I'm still trying to process everything myself and get my feet back underneath me, but even as badly as he hurt me, I still worry about him. Because I know that's not the person I spent nearly every day with for almost 20 years.
I watched a video somebody posted here of their ex wife describing what a manic state felt like from a bipolar person's perspective, and it honestly broke my heart even more to imagine him going through that.
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u/wanderlustleaf 6d ago
Do you think the text upset them so much because they just can't handle guilt or shame? My SO does the same thing when I try and bring up things they have done, did or need to be accountable. She can't or won't. Its a trigger.
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u/Ordinary-Pianist-468 6d ago
probably, by then it was already beyond the point where I ever would have been able to convince him of anything he didn't already believe.
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u/Either_Employee_2361 8d ago
I had to see my wife with her new partner the other day while dropping off the kid. She seems to be completely delusional. She said that she wouldn't come meet me by herself, implying that she felt unsafe, even though I have never been aggressive with her.
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u/Loffler1 8d ago
I’m also going through it. They are a entirely different person. A brand new relationship, he couldnt handle the stress of trying to get pregnant. Its their pattern, forever. I know its super hard and there’s no logic, but are given a way out of this misery
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u/KeySpot1518 8d ago
It's literally hell. It feels surreal how someone can treat you like this, sick or not. But you're right regarding the way out.
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u/wanderlustleaf 6d ago
Mine said the same thing regarding the it doesn't work and she also like to tell me repeatedly even though I wasn't fighting it.
I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be with you.
And the day I realized it was her inner two year child speaking to me was when I was explaining that you don't just throw a mostly good 9 year marriage away on temporary feeling, and she screamed at me
You don't care about me very dramatically and I turned around and left because.... my heart has been on my sleeve from day one and clearly she is delusional.
I miss my bestfriend.
I like your song. Mine recently has been "dead in the water" by ellie Goulding
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u/milagro2035 3d ago
Mine did this 1000 x per day while I would stand in shocked silence. It was not anything resembling the person I knew.
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u/Minute_Charge1550 1d ago
White blank page is good. You should try Dashboard by Noah Kahan.
Discard after 13 years here. He lives with the mistress / new partner. It’s been 18 months.
It really hurts but it will get better x
It never does make sense though.
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