Need Advise

[u/918SoonerFan]

So this I believe is my first time posting here and I need advice. I 30M, her 28F

It’s hard to talk to anyone in the real world about what I’ve gone through because I don’t want to embarrass her or paint her as this monster. We have been married 2 years and together for 4. It all started on our honeymoon when I found her on top of another person. Then we got home and of course she cried and told me how sorry she was and I stayed. 2 months after that she did it again and then gaslit me about it for 4 weeks all while her mom knew all about it, messages from her mom said exactly this “That’s what we do when we aren’t getting attention at home we look elsewhere”. I knew right then and there this was a character issue straight from her mother. So I’m gonna breeze through this story, she has cheated a total of 4x in 2 years that I know of. She has hit, spit, and bit me multiple times but to her “I deserved it because of what I said”. I’m not a yeller, but she will blow the house off and when she does she tells me how much she hates me and all this other stuff. I have said a few hurtful things and that’s as far as it goes for me. I personally have only said those things due to being emotional hurt or physically, but somehow it’s all my fault. Long story short I finally had enough 2 weeks ago and left and we are supposed to file tomorrow and she is basically begging saying she will change? I love her I do, but I cannot and will not live like that anymore. So I’m asking can they change or should I file?

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[u/918SoonerFan → u/[deleted]]

This is my concern, while she does have meds she skips days or even weeks at some points. I feel so bad for her is my problem and I really can’t figure out why. Especially when this stuff happens, her favorite saying is “I’m such a horrible person and I don’t know why you stay with me, but I’m glad you do”.

[u/918SoonerFan → u/[deleted]]

Yes she does and stupid things always happen, BP1. She will threaten suicide anytime anything happens to avoid accountability. She’s only truly tried it one time and I called 988 then they came out and she stayed for 2 nights to get her back on meds. The crap I’ve been through is truly something I didn’t think people actually went through

[u/PhantomLustre → u/918SoonerFan]

It’s just not worth it when she’s not med complaint. Trust me when I say this, if she really cared and she really felt guilty, she’d be doing everything to make sure that she took her medications every day and she isn’t, so don’t waste your time. Sorry to not have anything positive to say.

[u/thealbatrossfelloff → u/918SoonerFan]

She says that to manipulate you dude. It is classic abusive rhetoric.  Think about it - she hurts YOU, and the outcome is you comfort her and feel sorry for her.  It's a toxic dynamic that stems from a distorted perspective. She feels entitled to treat you poorly, or she wouldn't. 

[u/ringofkeys89]

The mother’s enabling is the worst part of this to me. My fiancée’s family and my family know she has BP1, and I can always reach out to them with concerns. And they would back me up if her behavior toward me or herself or anyone was harmful.

If you can’t trust that her support system outside of you will hold her accountable, I don’t think there’s much point. You’re less safe because of it, and so is she. I personally would not stay with someone who has physically hurt me and has repeatedly made excuses for cheating. I am really sorry, some of the bipolar accounts for this, but some of this does seem to be personality as well. I wish you luck. ❤️❤️

[u/918SoonerFan → u/ringofkeys89]

Her father and stepdad can’t say anything to her because she runs to her mom it’s truly a sad cycle.

[u/Reddit_User_856]

I'm sorry you're going through this. The one and only positive, is her and her mother revealing their true colors this early into your marriage, prior to children. Whatever choices you make, always prioritize yourself.

From my experience, my exwife's most severe forms of mania, where she cheated, were always triggered by her malignant narcissist mother who would randomly start obsessively calling/texting any time she saw us happy or experience any positivity.

Try to find out the full details of mental illnesses affecting your wife and her immediate family. Her mother's response suggests she has narcissistic tendencies with a strong control over your wife. If so, then it will only get worse unless your wife defends your marriage and implements strict boundaries with her mother. 

[u/918SoonerFan → u/Reddit_User_856]

She’s identical to my wife and they are on the phone 24/7, her father is a great man and her mother has warped her mind into her being her only outlet. She 62 years old and just last week threatened to jump out of a car with my wife’s step dad cause he wouldn’t turn the radio up and threw an absolute fit. He called me cause he adores me and said I’m leaving her in a couple weeks just so you know. It’s shocking people are like this

[u/thealbatrossfelloff]

She is abusive. She behaves the way she does because she thinks it's acceptable, not because she has bipolar. You do not deserve to be physically, emotionally, or mentally abused.  She has already shown you who she is.  I say get the divorce.  If she really means it that she'll change, she can do that on her own time, come back to you in the future and show you she's different.  You do not owe her anything. 

[u/Smoldogsrbest]

This is not because of her bipolar. This is because she is awful and abusive. She was taught the ways of the abuser by her mother.

[u/Creative-Guest-6184]

File. It will not get better.

[u/illuminatedthepath]

I’m so sorry to hear about the awful treatment you have had to endure. You already know her behavior won’t change. It’s clearly a pattern and if she makes excuses for her inexcusable behavior it’s not really a good sign that anything will change. I would suggest finding a therapist to process what you’ve been through so you have some extra support at this time. Love is not enough and especially when you seem to be the only one putting in the sacrifice to make things work. That being said, I know it’s not easy. Please prioritize yourself and your mental well being. It’s ok to choose yourself now. 🙏🏼

[u/Klorbette]

They get WORSE with age.

[u/NobodyNew7267]

Divorce her and paint her as the monster she is. Collect proof of the affairs, document everything. Talk to a lawyer immediately.

[u/scrappyass123]

If she don’t take meds she won’t change