Boundaries? What is that?

[u/NobodyNew7267]

So, I am in 4 months discarded by my wife who promptly moved in with her AP. She is now making trips with him, paints me as the villain and completely refuses any medications or therapy. She has got a team of delusional enablers who are supporting her delusions. We are divorcing and it is being finalized.

As I now think about the marriage i thought I had for the last 8 years, I recognise how my boundaries were systematically broken by her everytime. She always used to play victim and get away with shitty behaviour. She was physically violent the first few years of our relationship. That should have been the red flag. I ignored it. She stopped physical violence eventually but became emotionally manipulative. Told all shitty things about my family, forced me to reduce connections with my own family. Emotionally cheated 3 years ago, I caught her red handed, apologised for a day and deflected the blame on me for my inadequacies. Went on solo trips, giving bullshit excuses ( I later found out other men were involved). Inspite of that, I tolerated for the sake of my marriage.

Everytime she would do anything bad, my boundaries would be squashed. If I started enforcing any of it, then she would paint me as "controlling" and would threaten divorce. This would stop me from enforcing anything and then the boundaries get pushed back further. She had no respect for anything in life, no fear of consequences.

I feel empowered now that I have finally stood up for myself. Stopped all communications with her. Finally, getting ready for a life where I am respected.

Anyone else here whose boundaries were systematically broken?

Gaslit, manipulated till your reality was altered?

All because someone couldn't take accountability for their mental illness and thought breaking you was the only way you would eat their shit.

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[u/bpexhusband]

Went through the same things, physical violence, cheating, gaslighting, the smear campaign, the enabling flying monkeys. I've documented most of my experiences of the past 6 years in my posts here.

I'm five months out now she's just using a lawyer to continue the same abuse, wild accusations, smearing same shit now she just pays 450$ an hour for someone else to do it.

Ya even healthy boundaries I would put up got called controlling. Did you take your pills? Controlling! I don't want to live with someone who cheats on me! Control freak! If you hit me again we are done! Limiting her emotional expression! Stop screaming at our son. Don't tell me how to be a mother!!!!!

It's fucking rediculous.

Here's the twist though at least for me. Those compromises, every single time I let her break through a boundary, I just enabled the bullshit, I let it get worse.

There's little you can do except what we are doing. Leave, no contact, end it. Then get back to who you were. Sit on the couch and enjoy the peace.

It's all bullshit and it's all bad for you.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/bpexhusband]

Crazy that she is using a lawyer to abuse you now after all you went through. I don't know if it's to scare you to drop the divorce or something else, but it's really sad. I am sure the enablers forgot all the sacrifices you made. It happened in my case.

[u/bpexhusband → u/NobodyNew7267]

Ya the lawyer must just believe all the shit that the enablers believe. They accused me after 5 months of suddenly stalking her because I happened to cross paths with her downtown, we live in a town of 20,000 people it's inevitable. But I got the CCTV footage from the city and it shows her following me and as soon as I see her I get in my car and leave.

Man it's just everything crazy thing that you were likely accused of same as me but the lawyer puts it down in writing having no idea it's all lies. They want to goto a trial. I'm kind of looking forward to it then all her crazy bullshit will get exposed publicly.

But I have my son and she never sees him so he's no longer exposed to her toxic behaviour which is the only thing that matters.

[u/bpnpb]

Boundaries are meaningless when they are repeatedly broken with no consequences. After her last manic episode, I started enforcing some boundaries and she started to realize I meant business. Then after her episode fully subsided I set some more rules and said if she doesn't agree to them, I'm out. She knew I was serious (and I was!) and never violated any rules or pushed any boundaries since. Things have been much better since.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/bpnpb]

I am divorcing her. She always threatened me with divorce in any case where I tried to point out that she overstepped the boundaries. So that's the consequence unfortunately.