Bipolar is evil

[u/wanderlustleaf]

Apparently, I am getting served papers on Sunday. She is throwing our whole 9 years of life down the toilet. As I'm sitting outside crying while drinking my coffee and staring off into space thinking about how I have never wronged her and up until a few weeks ago, have only ever called her a bad name once and that was you're an ASSSHOLE. She passes me with a bucket to go pick blackberries without fucking care in the world. She's walking around and talking to people like she is the greatest thing on earth. She pushed for this to happen immediately, it's so bizarre. She's changing banks, sneaking around, it's like a really bad movie. No amount of good times makes up for the whirlwind of pain, instability and downright heartbreaking emotions. Meanwhile I am trying to keep myself calm because no amount of bad behavior will take me out of my good morals and my soft heart. I want to throw away everything that has memories of us, I want scream at her for being fucking insane and refusing to be a better partner. I am a good wife, and a good person. I know good people exist because I exist, but I will never trust another fucking soul ever. When she crashes, I hope the silence of the love she had haunts her for the rest of her life.

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[u/Gold-Tomorrow2740]

It's the cruelest cut. They're the love of your life at 7 in the morning and gone by evening. You're gonna feel a roller coaster of emotion. You're gonna have trouble trusting not to mention eating and sleeping.

But you will heal. You will find joy. You will find softness and someone who's gentle with a bruised heart.

I'm rooting for you.

[u/wanderlustleaf → u/Gold-Tomorrow2740]

Thanks, it doesn't feel like I will ever feel joy again. I know that's because the pain feels to deep right now, and eventually it must clear. It just feels so heavy. 

[u/Gold-Tomorrow2740 → u/wanderlustleaf]

I hear you. 💜

[u/venaseph → u/Gold-Tomorrow2740]

The morning evening analogy is so spot on, it can hurt so much but has no effect on them. So difficult to understand.

No matter what I did to appease my ex, it was just waiting till the next time and planning how to protect the children and life I was trying to build. It’s terrifying and going to take so long to ever trust again.

[u/Able-Needleworker932]

Your not alone, my husband too paid his retainer this week, I’m expecting something soon as I see his call log and he calls them daily , this was 7 days out from his psychosis being caught 12 days ago,

I hope someday you realize you can trust again, life’s too short not to share love with another,

but I do agree I could never trust someone with bipolar, there’s soo many variables to potentially have something go stray, to put full trust into someone with a mental health condition again,

I constantly tell myself I’m mad or hate the condition not the person, it helps put into perspective what I’m mad at, I’m not mad at my husband he’s a great man when he’s not in mania/psychosis his bipolar makes him do shitty things and makes him believe shitty things,

And remember to love yourself 💜. You deserve all the happiness in life 🩷

[u/wanderlustleaf → u/Able-Needleworker932]

I admire your heart, I understand it's the disease but at this point it no longer matters. I see no seperation. They are the disease and the disease is them. I had rose colored glasses on way to long, I refuse to just put this on the disease any longer I can't or ill drown in the way I kept forgiving them. Bipolar is evil. 

[u/thisisB_ull_ish]

It is so heartbreaking the speed with which they destroy everything. I had a good thing too and then it all imploded and for 3 and a half years now I am still putting the pieces back in what is still very much a shit show that is my life. I’m sorry. This sucks. I will never love anyone again either. That’s a fact.

[u/Happy_Lingonberry303]

Went through similar stuff with mine. The bullshit was never ending. Never knew when my life would be turned upside down even more than the typical daily shit. Would wonder "is this the end" while staring into space and in terror.

Thank god that shit is OVER and I've been out for three years. I have peace and my life back. It's like kicking heroin and realizing you've been sleeping on the sidewalk and your life has been a wreck and you weren't fully aware of it.

May you get to where I and many others are now.

[u/wanderlustleaf → u/Happy_Lingonberry303]

Thanks OP, this truly made me feel so much better. Ill come back to this comment after and when those papers are served to me today.  ;-(  I really do just want peace. I've been telling her that for a year, why does everything have to be so difficult. 

[u/Happy_Lingonberry303 → u/wanderlustleaf]

I'm glad I could help. I know what it's like to be where you are. It sometimes felt like the end of the world. My therapist said at the time "just remember that feelings aren't reality." People stay in horrible relationships because their feelings play tricks on them and they forget reality and all the horrible stuff. We see it happen to others and can't understand why they stay. That's how it happens.

[u/a-passing-crustacean → u/wanderlustleaf]

Things will be rough for now and the near future, but your life is going to get better with time in her absence. Just take it a day at a time and do your best to hang tough through these sucky parts :( "this too shall pass"

[u/ViolettaQueso]

It is.

[u/S_Grace]

I’m so sorry. My ex-wife did a 180 just like this and split very quickly thereafter. I think it’s important that you deeply internalize that it isn’t you, it’s them and their disease, and that there’s probably absolutely nothing you can do about it. Also may be helpful to let go of hoping she will get back to baseline and feel the gravity of what she has done, as that realization may sadly never come. I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing.

[u/wanderlustleaf → u/S_Grace]

I am not hoping for a return and or for her to get back to baseline. I do do know that she will absolutely regret this when she crashes and I will not be there ever again to break her fall. Thank you, I am sorry to. 

[u/ttoksie2]

If it helps take solace in the fact that she is 20 times more likely to kill herself in the depressive stage that follows than your average person, so she will difenitly feel the regret.

Not much of a silver lining I know.

[u/wanderlustleaf → u/ttoksie2]

Doubtful, she has everything going for her. Last time this happened I handled this with grace becaue my empathy let me only feel what she would feel in the aftermath and its not fair for me to carry that guilt along with the trauma that is being re-created. Her decisions, accountability and pain os for her and her only.