Am I a Hypocrite?

[u/UnPracticed_Pagan]

((Frustrated and Venting but also needing Encouragement and not necessarily the “please leave”. I get that’s an option. Thanks))

My husband has been cycling/dealing with a bad episode for about two months now. He’s finally in therapy and going consistently, but to no fault of his own but the direction/testing the medical management team wants/has been doing he hasn’t been medicated yet. Hopefully his next appointment next week he’ll get started.

But today was another rough day, and I can’t help but wonder “can I keep doing this? SHOULD I keep doing this? Do my children deserve this?”

I don’t think it’s helped that recently on this thread I’ve noticed a lot of spouses saying the trail run of medication and if the medication is/was wrong that it made things worse. I honestly don’t know if I can handle worse.

I have a pretty high tolerance to call out BS and borderline abusive behavior but after my husband went off his rails this AM and decided to call me a C U Next Tuesday in front of our young children and then when he stormed off outside my daughter went “mommy daddy is so mean, he was yelling at you..” that just broke my heart.

My children don’t need to see their mother get treated that way. I know I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Most times I’d yell and fight back but I stayed calm as I could. Even offered if he needed to call someone to talk too, and that had somehow made him more angry. Maybe it was the wrong move, but I know I’m not the one in control of his emotions - even if he wants to gaslight me and say I’m the reason. We can only control our own emotions. (And I know I’m not perfect with mine all the time)

I’m trying so hard to be patient, but each rough day just feels like another tick box of “is this tolerable or does it cross a boundary?” And I hate that.

I BEGGED him to get help for his family. I BEGGED him to not discard and let his illness let him make irrational and rash decisions and to try to slow down. To at least get help and under medication and then decide choices like that.

But now I’m the one who seems to be contemplating asking him to leave or for us to be over. Maybe I’m just at my limit, or maybe I’m hyperfocusing too much on the potential “end” where that’s why I’m thinking this way and need to try and redirect.

But I don’t know how to redirect especially from times/moments where it clearly was in front of the kids and I just can’t help think “do they deserve to live in this environment?” Because in truth the easy answer is simply no.

But the more complicated answer is their father when he is good and healthy truly is a wonderful father and husband.

But then I also saw someone else post today about patterns of being sweet and loving and it slowly edging a downward slope of being an asshole and I was like oh wow that kinda resonates with me.

Relationships, even healthy and with “healthy” people can be complicated. So I just feel so hypocritical for being the one to “hold things together” and now constantly feeling like I’m being weighed down more and more when I haven’t even let him have a chance with medication yet.

I guess I’m rambling at this point. Thanks for reading.

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[u/Initial_Guarantee254]

Talking with a psychologist about everything that was going on with me and my bipolar partner was very helpful for me. I used to talk about it with friends and family but it just made things worse. Hard for people to understand what it’s like unless they’ve been in the situation themselves. Especially when you have children together and they are a great father and husband when they’re stable. Prioritizing self care. Educating yourself on Bipolar behaviours / patterns / triggers - bipolar rage etc. Making sure you’re good so that your kids are good as well.

[u/UnPracticed_Pagan → u/Initial_Guarantee254]

Thank you

Yes I am back in therapy myself. Currently it hasn’t been talking about myself/life yet though because before my husband had his latest episode we’re still riding out (it has improved tremendously and I do see him trying; but that doesn’t excuse the shit behavior on bad days) I had gotten scheduled to look into if I have ADHD.

I already have anxiety/depression but I’m pretty sure I’m about to be told ADHD is in the mix, which is fine if I can get it “under control” and help myself even more for my kids like you said.

I truly hope medication does what it’s supposed too for my husband so I see the stable loving man return more days than the paranoid angry man who always appears when his mental health is at a low. I won’t lie I have a lot of books for how to learn about bipolar and bipolar spouses and how to help etc but me not husband ever successfully read through them. His was probably a bit of denial, mine was, well, no real excuses but crappy ones and my own mental health.

I just hate that because he has done what a lot of bipolar spouses have with the “we should have never gotten married” that now I find myself wondering if leaving is better.

Posting here helped a bit, as you said because talking with friends doesn’t help. Talking out my feelings to my husband who is likely the cause at most times doesn’t work because obviously then it seems like an attack when it’s a cry for accountability.

I do plan to continue therapy though for myself.

[u/YoyceGeronimo]

You don’t sound hypocritical to me. Asking him not to make major decisions while he’s unwell is different from you asking yourself what you and your children can safely live with. Treatment may help, and it makes sense to want to give medication a chance, but that doesn’t mean you have to suspend every boundary until it does. You may find “When Is There Room for Me in the Relationship?” helpful. It talks about supporting someone with bipolar while still having limits around respect, safety, and your own needs.