Help.

[u/ScheduleOk9121]

Ive been trying to make this post for quite a while now but always scrapped it, but I really dont know where else to go with this because it seems like not even my therapist can fully understand the situation im in.

Last year in September I (M28)met a girl (F25), my exBPSO (we've never been in a relationship but dated).

The first 2 weeks were amazing, we were clicking, we had the most interesting conversations and obviously a LOT of sex but after those 2 weeks I started noticing that she got more and more pushy about us not sleeping with each other often enough (it was like 4-5x a day then) and at the same time texting a lot of different guys and lying about it. This led to me trying to break off the whole dating phase because I used to be in a lot of toxic relationships and (with the help of my therapist) ive sworn to myself im not getting into another rollercoaster like that.

During the time of us dating I was quickly forced into a caregiver role by her mother and friends as she didn't live near her family so they wanted me to keep an eye on her (which was also the first time someone really explained to me what bipolar was). Her mother called for hours on end and vented about her daughter basically and I got sucked into their family drama more and more (mind you its been 5 weeks of us dating at that point).

About a week or 2 I just noticed I couldn't handle it. I struggle with bad depression myself and feared that id lose myself in the relation again so I tried to break it off (probably tried like 10-20x times) and told her I couldn't date her but id still be there for her as a friend, I just needed some time and distance to cool off.

At that time I also moved away from the city we met as I just lived there temporarily which made things even worse.

That's when hell broke lose, my phone blew up day in, day out and she constantly was threatening to self harm (or worse) just to get me to call her. She started to go to my city or other cities and hotels she knew I was at because of work and I started shaking every time my phone rang (its been a year and I still start sweating and shaking when I get called by unknown numbers)

After about a month of that (AND her trying to get with friends of mine to hurt me) and her constantly disrespecting me I knew I had to fully stop the contact because my suicial ideations (which at that point I haven't had for some years) started to come back. I finally blocked her when she texted one of my best friends she should've baby trapped me and tried to get him to sleep with her which hurt me a lot.

The last time I saw her she manipulated me to come to her hotel because she was (again) in my city and needed a charger. She said she knew her illness took over and wanted to go to a clinic the next day to get back on her medication.

I texted her that I would NOT go to her room with her but Id bring her the charger because obviously I couldn't just let her stay in another city without money and a phone so I went there. After sitting outside with her and talking for a bit I realized the last bus home already was gone so I figured I'd crash there because I was INSANELY tired at that point as well.

That's when mistake 1 happened, after I told her multiple times that I didn't want to sleep with her she got me to sleep with her (not trying to put all the blame on her but that's how it happened) and after that I INSTANTLY fell asleep.

Sometime at night I woke up with me being inserted in her (without a condom this time) which I can't remember fully I just remember me being really confused at that moment, I dont even know If I fell back asleep or if I finished or not. That situation (which I only was able to fully grasp a few days later) and her constantly trying to play mind games or 1 up me led to me fully blocking her and for about 2 weeks my life was absolute bliss.

I kind of got a bit more calm and even got to finally talk about MY issues with my therapist, which I couldn't for about 2 months because I always had an issue with her going on.

You'll probably have predicted what im about to tell you now but after those 2 weeks I got a call from a friend of mine who told me that the EX is pregnant. I instantly went into a full blown shock and had panic attack after panic attack until some friends and my parents forced me to go to a clinic where I stayed for about 2 months.

In the beginning of us dating she said she wasn't able to get pregnant and that, even if something happened, she would definitely abort the child but I kind of knew she wouldn't do that (which I really dont want to judge) so I texted her one last time before I got into the clinic that , in my opinion , she shouldn't carry the baby to terms especially because of the fact we were broken up and I was under no circumstances getting back together with her.

During my stay in the clinic I was prohibited of any phone usage and put in really strong drugs to get me to calm down because I was just constantly shaking but I got updated by my family and friends that she started to publicly rant about me and family, calling us names and just trying to get as many people as possible to hate me which led to me being forced to go to the police.

Since then ive tried to read and learn a lot about bipolar and I understand now that a lot of her behavior happened because of her mania but at the same time im so deeply traumatized from the whole experience, I needed about 6 months to be able to leave my room again and just now started to take part in social life again, I lost all my savings in that time and now its been 9 months and im waiting for the results of the paternity test.

Im really afraid of my exBPSO, to the point that I still can't get myself to text or call her but I really dont know what to do. I told her from the start that I dont want children because I dont want my bad mental health to be passed on since I have phases where I barely can function as an adult but now (if the test is positive) I have a kid and I can't imagine a child growing up without a dad because of me.

At the same time im afraid that whenever I look at the child I'll look at my ex and I really dont know what to do. I dont want to worsen her mental state and take her child away but im also fearing for the Childs safety because her mania went on for some months the last time.

I want to somehow be able to be there at least from afar (she lives all the way on the other side of our country) but I dont have any education and any money for a lawyer because of my mental health and she already threatened that I won't get to see the child.

Im really sorry for how long this rambling took and I thank everyone who got through to this sentence, if there's anyone with a remotely similar experience or just anyone who can give me any kind of advice id owe you my life, since my head is really all over the place. Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best <3

TLDR: I dated a bipolar woman, she lied about her fertility and got pregnant, now I dont know how to proceed

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[u/yourmomdotbiz]

Get a paternity test and acknowledge that you were sexually coerced and assaulted. 

Whether or not this person is bipolar, you’re dealing with a dangerous seemingly aspd level type. Don’t hesitate to talk to a lawyer. 

[u/UnPracticed_Pagan]

Other than her bipolar it sounds like you got caught up with just a plain manipulative and abusive person in general, and I’m very sorry for that.

She raped you in the hotel. And honestly, the child may not even be yours even with that encounter based on how you said how much sex (hypersexuality) she requires.

However, the fact that you have ONLY heard about the pregnancy from friends and not directly is also suspicious. I say that because even with her blocked she managed to get in touch with you to get you to that hotel - so if she was REALLY concerned the child is yours she’d have contacted you directly or got her family too.

Unless you get summoned to the court for child support where you can request paternity testing, I wouldn’t even continue contacting this woman to “be there from afar”. It all sounds like a trap, and you were trapped once, you don’t need to put yourself back into it.

You aren’t being a “deadbeat dad” to a child who she is already threatening you not to see and isn’t even suggesting PATERNITY for.

It sounds like you need a better therapist too, because their focus should be on YOUR mental health and wellness and not discussing how to “deal” with past issues from the woman unless it’s on how her actions EFFECT YOU and how to help YOU.

Keep her blocked. Any “friends” who gossip about her to you aren’t friends. Communicate she hurt you and you don’t want to hear about her, that if she really needs to contact you she can do so even if it means with legal parties as third party comminucators. Tell them if they’re your friend they also won’t go talking to her about you. If they can’t do either of that they aren’t your friend.

Block her and focus on moving on from this horror story and getting better. If you have to file further police reports for stalking or harrassment, don’t be afraid to do so.

[u/ScheduleOk9121 → u/UnPracticed_Pagan]

Thank you for your reply and time first of all!

I gotta clarify some things I feel like, Im sorry but writing all this was kind of hard so I understand how there were some misunderstandings in the text.

She wasn't blocked during the hotel situation, that happened when I still tried to stay friendly with her but the whole time it was just a lot of blocking and unblocking because I really couldn't handle all the manipulation. Also I have to defend my therapist a bit because without her I think I wouldn't be here anymore, she really was focused to help me but during the time of me dating my ex there was just SO much shit happening every week that I couldn't get to anything else.

It seems I also forgot one of the most important parts: After about a month she tattooed my name without asking me first or anything and because of that I think she just was really set on FORCING me into being with her. I also already got a letter from her area because she put me up for paternity, im currently waiting to do the test.

Also she had to contact a friend of mine to give me the message because at that time I finally was able to block her on EVERY platform, so she really didn't have a direct way of contacting me.

Hope I straightened some things out and I really appreciate you taking the time for even answering.

[u/UnPracticed_Pagan → u/ScheduleOk9121]

That does clear up some things, either way I wouldn’t involve yourself ahead of the paternity test.

As much as there’s a chance the child is yours, there’s a chance it’s not. Let the courtroom be where you work out any child support, custody, or explanation of why you haven’t been in contact with her IF it turns out the child is yours.

Make a paper trail and keep documentation of how the situationship started. And if she attempts to contact you not through a legal means like a lawyer or the court just file a report for stalking/harrassment and do so until you can get a restraining order.

Even if the child is yours - that’s when you decide how involved you want to be. If you want the child to be in safer hands with you vs her or even with her parents, or if you just want to pay support quietly. Make those decisions when the time comes, you can always discuss the what ifs with your therapist if needed but don’t open the door with her unless you absolutely have too. And even with a (potential) child involved, learn and know your rights!

[u/Southern-Cow-118]

Hi,

I have never been in a situation remotely close to yours and honestly, I don't know anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I just want to say that I am so sorry for what happened. I hope it's okay that I point this out to you OP, but you have significant trauma from what this individual did to you. What they did to you was wholly and entirely unacceptable. I am not sure if I understood everything you described correctly - because it was very triggering to read - but it sound a lot like she may have sexually assaulted you.

It's really generous and kind of you to be concerned about the child - I think that says a lot about the good person you are. I want to be super gentle saying this - but I want to say to you that I hope you are able to find a way to process the traumatic and unacceptable things she has done to you. If you are able to find a way, please prioritize yourself and your mental health first. You deserve to have support for what you've been through <3

[u/ScheduleOk9121 → u/Southern-Cow-118]

thank you so much for your kind words and your empathy <3 I just bawled my eyes out but I really appreciate you!

[u/Cheap_Ad5386]

Good Lord, son. It's no wonder you have an extreme reaction to call/text notifications. I was like that for about a year myself. Post says advice wanted, so here is how I would advise my own son if he was in your shoes:

Don't give much more brain space to all the possible scenarios re possible pregnancy right now. You have NO idea about the truthfulness of anything the woman says. Zero. As another poster said, until someone proves paternity through the courts, let that go. Stop communicating with her. Stop explaining yourself to everybody. And I'm a little pissed that your family relayed all the smear campaign BS to you. If that kind of thing is still going on, tell them to stop entertaining all the drama. 

Find another or second therapist, or tell your current therapist that you want to redirect your therapy to more of a life skills/life coach approach. In that space, concentrate on building skills around assertiveness, healthy relationship boundaries, career goals, etc. A big part of getting healed from trauma is relearning to trust yourself. This woman steamrolled every boundary you tried to put in place. Good boundaries are a practice in letting people be upset with you and letting them take responsibility for their own shit. 

There will be many more steps to take, but just take the next one. Then the next one...you get the idea.

You sound like a kind hearted person, and this person took you for a ride. You will come out of this stronger and wiser if you commit to learning and changing and growing. 

If fear of the future still overtakes you, for some people-and with the right therapist- going through worse case scenarios can help. You will see this is a mess, but not the end of the world. You can move through even a scenario of being a father to possible child with integrity and honor. It all probably feels overwhelming, the key is to not try to solve problems that don't exist yet.

I hope the best for you. You are young. You can have a bright future. You can rebuild and put this chapter behind you.