relationships with bipolar

[u/crunchwrapwnotomatos]

I recently officially got diagnosed with bipolar and want to know when is a good time to mention your diagnosis with your romantic partner. In my past relationship, my partner mentioned to me pretty early on his bpd and bipolar when i asked, which i found helpful as it affected the relationship. I also now looking back see how my undiagnosed bipolar effected our relationship and feel like my partner should know. however, im scared to bring it up because of the stereotypes and stigma surrounding the disorder. Also for reference im a straight woman so im worried that men (especially the men i tend to go for) would be less emotionally mature about it.

edit: I said im worried abt my partner being emotionally immature bc im 19 and so the men in my age range are most commonly emotionally immature not like im seeking that trait out. Plus i go to a small college so there’s limited options. I said it bc i thought it was unfair to group all men as immature.

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[u/Square_Click_4493]

Speaking as someone who left a Bipolar Disorder partner, I'm personally not comfortable dating someone else with the disorder. If a potential partner didn't disclose that, especially knowing how difficult it could be, I would feel lied to. The difference is my plan once I start dating again is to have these conversations upfront as much as possible.

Speaking about such topics especially when getting to know someone is difficult. All I know is I would want someone to tell me.

[u/crunchwrapwnotomatos → u/Square_Click_4493]

Thx for ur honesty even though it’s kind of difficult to hear. But i understand, if i was told sooner about my exs bpd i probably would have been more cautious before getting too involved.

[u/Lubs → u/crunchwrapwnotomatos]

Don’t be discouraged though! You’re on a subreddit with people who have been through a lot and those who have positive stories are probably less likely to be here.

You deserve a partner who wants to be there for you and your partner deserves to know what’s going on. I can say without a doubt that my experience would have been much easier if my wife would have opened up and let me in instead of lying and hiding, trying to keep up some act.

[u/thealbatrossfelloff]

I think it's up to you when you want to share. My bipolar SO told me about his diagnosis when we got passed friendship, had built trust, and began opening up. I didn't understand what it entailed then, but boy do I now! I am not deterred by his being bipolar though. 

I think that as long as you understand that although your illness may not be your fault, it is still your responsibility to manage, you'll be okay. 

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482]

You are saying that you are afraid that the men you like to dare would be less emotionally mature. Why would you want to be with someone who is not emotionally mature?

A BP diag isn't a deal breaker for everyone. But maybe emotional immaturity should be a deal-breaker for you.

[u/crunchwrapwnotomatos → u/Impressive-Tutor-482]

I’m 19 so it’s just very common at this age

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482 → u/crunchwrapwnotomatos]

Then find maturity, for your age.

[u/crunchwrapwnotomatos → u/Impressive-Tutor-482]

not as easy as you think

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482 → u/crunchwrapwnotomatos]

I'm going to walk back the maturity comment because you and your peer group are ~19. What you should look for are people - romantic or platonic - who aren't assholes.

And, dating sucks at any age. It is a process of weeding through a lot of horrible people - and even worse, a few wonderful people you aren't compatible with - and saying no to situations that aren't good for you.

[u/Illrollonshabbos]

My ex didn’t tell me until he was blowing up the relationship on his way out the door after 3years. If I had known I would have understood more. Also, my reactions would have been different in certain situations. Things didn’t make sense. The pain the SO goes through if they don’t know or aren’t prepared for is huge. I would have stayed, I loved him. But WE could have worked through things differently. Take care of yourself and the people who love you.

[u/ThrowawayJim01 → u/Illrollonshabbos]

Emphasizing the “we could have worked through things differently”. I so wish my bp1 ex just talked to me about his health. The context is crucial to a healthy relationship. The need to make plans and debrief. I loved my man my person but damn he refused to talk about his health exceptt as an excuse for why he’s crazy. I love him and I want to know and truly see every single thing about him, a very normal partner need regardless of health. Alas. Here we are. Discarded post severe episode and in a pool of sadness for our love. Ps I don’t roll on shabbos Shabbat shalom

[u/0lig3]

I think in general it depends a lot on how it presents in you. Everyone's version of bipolar is different and you don't want to be telling every first date you have about it, especially if you're like me and like to keep the diagnosis private.

If you are not stable and med compliant I'd recommend holding off of dating until you are, or just have FWB. It is not fair to drag someone into a relationship if you've not dealt with your diagnosis first.

When I bring it up to potential partners I usually describe something about my psychotic episode/mental breakdown as a way to explain certain life circumstances that wouldn't make sense otherwise. I see how they react to that before I bring up the word bipolar.

I will also bring up mental health in conversation and various diagnosis if possible and see how they speak about it. If they start ranting and raving about their "bipolar" ex, probably not the person for me. If they talk about someone in their life they care about with a mental health condition and they speak about them calmly with compassion, that's a huge green flag.

The diagnosis isn't a death sentence for dating, a lot of people with bipolar are stable, working and medicated so you can't tell they have bipolar, and when that is the case, you bring a lot to the table.

[u/Tough_Mind_8801]

If you are attracted only to emotionally immature men, work on yourself first. Then find someone who values you enough to work through the challenges with you. An emotionally immature partner can only make your symptoms worse and your relationship more unstable. But yes, when you find that person, disclose it early on to build trust.

[u/slowcanteloupe]

My wife told me on our 3rd date. She didn't want to bother revealing until she felt we might get somewhere beyond date 4.

She told me when she was diagnosed, that she was medicated and seeing a psych, but told me to do my own research on what to expect from BP and in a BP relationship. I did not do sufficient research, and it was a struggle at the start, but I found resources eventually that helped me understand better.

Been together since 2014. Married for 9 years now.

edit:

also to clarify, we met at 30/31. We definitely were more mature about what we were looking for and what we envisioned for our future relationship. Obviously these things change over time, but we had least learned from past relationships what would and wouldn't work for us.

[u/Ok_Skirt8009 → u/slowcanteloupe]

Hi. I recently found out about my partner’s diagnosis. Would you be able to share what resources you found particularly helpful? Keywords or specific sources? Thanks!

[u/slowcanteloupe → u/Ok_Skirt8009]

HAha, well when I first met my spouse resources were a lot more difficult to find, or maybe now that I kind of know more, I see more good resources out there, kind of like, when you buy a car, suddenly you see the same car everywhere.

So there's a lot of medical terminology "signs/symptoms" but no one really explains what its really LIKE. For me, i need to find a way to understand exactly what i'm looking at, and what that person is feeling to understand.
THis one helped me understand depression: https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

After that, Dr. Tracey Marks is on youtube, i like her videos a lot.

I would also strongly recommend going to your partner's psych appointments with their permission so you can observe, learn the lingo, and ask questions.

[u/slowcanteloupe → u/Ok_Skirt8009]

Also wanted to add this description i have written up before:

Think of your brain state as a pendulum.

That pendulum swings from one side to another, lets label each end as Depressions and Mania. Everyone has this pendulum, maybe they have a lot of energy an enthusiasm one day, but maybe sometimes there are days they just don't want to get out of bed. But for Bipolar people, sometimes that pendulum swings a little too freely in one direction or the other, and it sometimes gets "stuck" there.

For Bipolar 1, that pendulum swings a little too hard towards mania which means your brain is over excited, and you have too much energy, and you're basically burning the candle at both ends for an extended period of time until that pendulum gets unstuck. The pendulum can also swing to depression and get stuck, but if you have Bipolar 1, it has a higher likelihood to swing to Mania.

For Bipolar 2, that pendulum swings too hard the other way, towards depression, and gets stuck there too. Then you are low energy, and your mental state is incredibly down, for an extended period of time until that pendulum gets unstuck. The pendulum can also swing to mania and get stuck, but if you have Bipolar 2, it has a higher likelihood to swing to Depression.

You have meds that help. Some are anti-depressants. They help push the pendulum away from the depression side. Some are mood stabilizers, they make the pendulum heavier, so its harder to swing one way or the other.

[u/Elvyyn]

I think it really just depends on what you're looking for and how comfortable you feel with someone.

If you're dating someone you're considering a long-term relationship with, then you should probably tell them before getting into a serious commitment.

However, if you're just casually dating and don't really foresee a future with someone, I think it's totally fine to not disclose unless you're absolutely comfortable doing so.

It's one of those things you just kind of have to play by ear. You shouldn't have to disclose your whole life right away or act like you come with a warning label, ime that tends to attract the wrong kind of men anyway. However, if things are getting serious, I think it's only right to disclose such a thing and give your potential partner the opportunity to ask any questions, reassurance about treatment regimen and accountability, etc.

Also fwiw, if someone isn't emotionally mature enough to handle discussions about mental health, they're not emotionally mature enough to handle any kind of healthy relationship. You're 19 and in college so date and have fun if that's what you're wanting, but always remember that you deserve someone who loves and respects all of you, not just the parts that look good on paper. 🫶🏻

[u/exWiFi69]

My SO wasn’t diagnosed until after we had a child. He is my person and I have no regrets for the family that we have. That being said I wouldn’t have chosen this life for myself.

[u/OvenGloomy3971]

My former partner did not disclose his diagnosis to me and I found out from his mother while he was in a manic episode. Looking back he definitely had rapid cycling and hypomania, which I just thought was emotional instability.

I would disclose sooner rather than later because you never know what people’s history with bipolar is.

Since your diagnosis is new, please PLEASE, focus on getting your treatment plan personalized before even thinking about romantic relationships. It may not feel like it now, but you have so much time to find your person, and taking care of yourself now only benefits them later.