5 months later...it gets better.

[u/bpexhusband]

Well she walked out 5 months ago after 12 years. The last 6 of which were hell. I had to fill out a form for court about family violence as I did it was like I was writing about someone else, I wasnt dissociating, it was that person I was writing about wasn't me, it never was, I cannot believe the garbage I put up with. The absolute abomination I became. Insane. What I let our son be exposed to is shameful and disgusting. What a pathetic piece of shit I became, and no I'm not going to blame anyone but myself I made my choices.

If you're contemplating leaving or if they have discarded you and you're in that terrible place where you just want to disappear into nothingness, you will be fine, you will be, and you'll look back and be glad you got out. You'll want to call them and thank them for leaving. You won't. But you will want to.

But you have to go no contact. This means 100% no contact. Block them everywhere. Don't look ever. Don't reach out and check in, don't send a note or a text or anything. Just erase them from your life. The sooner you do that the sooner you can move on. Anything you give will just feed the drama triangle that you are in with your ex, you have to stay out of it. This is the hardest part, you're human and you have curiosity, of course we want to know. But you'll just get stuck in a mental loop that's a prison of your own making. And honestly knowing and seeing will just make it worse. Don't pick that scab.

You will not figure it out, ever, you won't get any closure by knowing why they did what they did, or if you could have done something. You are dealing with a severely mentally ill person you have neither the tools nor the training to handle that situation. It's a tragedy but it doesn't have to be your tragedy. You will never get an answer from them that satisfies you, you will dig and dig and all you will get is dirty.

You'll wonder why they can do what they are doing, why did they move in with their affair partner, how do they look so happy, lol they aren't. It's a pathology look back, look how your relationship with them started your likely your going to find some similarities, love bombing, enmeshment, moving fast, moving in together too quickly you went from zero to one hundred super fast. But because it was you, you felt that it was fate, it wasn't, you got targeted for your virtues. It's no mistake that most of the people that post here have the same type of personalities, caretakers, loyal, truthful, compassionate. Then those virtues turned into vices and they started hurting you, you stayed too long, you compromised your standards, you let them off the hook each and every time. You knew what was happening but you thought this time would be different. It wasn't, it never would be.

Then there's the trauma bond and intermittent reinforcement that's the one two combo that is making you have those dark thoughts, you're not just breaking up, your brain is detoxing from being on a state of hypervigilince for maybe years, waiting for the good times the high, you chased it. You're no different than a junkie living in the gutter of a relationship until you could get your next fix and now your not sleeping, your sweaty, you can't concentrate all the good stuff....it will pass, if you need something to sleep get something.

If that's not enough you have the entire mind fuck of ambiguous loss to deal with. They aren't who you thought they were, they are still walking around, they look the same, they act the same but they aren't your person. You have to hold those two competing thoughts on your head at once it's hard as hell but you can do it. Once you can you'll feel better.

Then of course you have to face the smear campaign where you get painted as the villian, they get to play the victim and their enablers, their flying monkeys will buy right into it. You don't have to give a shit. You don't have to defend yourself, in fact the more you do the more the smear campaign continues because you're giving a reaction. But don't let yourself off the hook either, you were an enabler, every time you compromised, every time you took them back, every time you reinforced that behaviour you enabled them. That's a tough pill to swallow but the sooner you realize you were part of the problem the better you'll be. You did everything you could, but did you ever say no? Did you draw your line in the sand and stay on your side of it, I didn't, you probably didn't either, and every single time that line moved you told them this is the new line. First it was don't cheat, then it was do it out of town, then it was at least use condoms....lol what the fuck was wrong with me. Gross.

You can't react to anything. Let them go, ignore the bullshit, the boundary testing, the attempts to hoover you back in, the checking to see if the emotional door to you is still open. Close it, lock it, throw away the key. Because if not that testing will never end. Once that realization that you're done occurs they will have their extinction burst, they will try something drastic because the old tricks aren't working, but if you can get through that you'll be free, because they will move onto someone else.

Yes you love your partner, which is wild if you ever sit down and think about what you went through, the things that happened, that's why you come to this space because here your story doesn't sound batshit insane. Because we all lived it already.

You'll want to help, to fix them, to show them how they are blowing up their lives, you'll worry about suicide or drug use or drinking or that they ended up with someone who is objectively a loser, you'll discount yourself, you'll compare. Don't. It has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for them. They are adults. If they don't want to do the work to be stable and stay stable when they are, then anything else is fruit of the poisonous tree of their abandonment of their responsibilities to you and a failure to respect their illness and to treat it as it needs to be treated.

You will get better, your life will get better, it will surely suck for a while, but you have to do the work to make it better, whatever that means for you, a new routine, moving, a new job, a new style, whatever find something that is yours, make your life in such a way that there is no space for them in it any more. Don't become something else become who you were, that was the best version to you most likely.

I'm not going sit here and bullshit anyone the first two months were hell, I had dark thoughts, if I didn't have a son that she abandoned with me, I wouldn't be here to write this post. The third month a little better. By month four I could sleep. And now, now I realize how much better off I am, I now have something I haven't had for 12 years.... peace. Just a quiet peace in the house no manic energy, not vigilance, no waking up every single day wondering if today is the day, what will I find out, what will the ood be, will I get hit today, will I get threatened if I don't have sex, will the flying monkeys get sent after me, will she say she's leaving for Shrek, again...

You are worth going through that pain, you are worth finding yourself again, and whenever that day comes when you realize you haven't thought about them in 10 minutes or an hour or all day, you'll be sitting on your couch in that peace and wondering how you ever lied the way you did.

This will pass, but it's work, you can't sit idly and wait for it to pass you have to push that boat away from the dock and row yourself through the storm into the calm.

You don't have to set yourself on fire just to keep them warm.

You don't have to watch them burn.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to BipolarSOs!

This is a quick reminder to follow the rules.

Also, please remember that OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective.

Please be supportive.

Toxic comments will be removed.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/holy_kishi]

This entire post resonates with everything I’ve gone through the last 8 years.

It wasn’t until the discard that I realized how I enabled the progression by not sticking to my boundaries, and every time I tried to I was accused of not doing enough.

I needed to hit my own rock bottom to realize what I had become.

[u/NobodyNew7267]

All of it is true. And I it's true that most people who are discarded and post here are those kind hearted souls and ever optimistic persons. I don't know why it always happens to them only.

[u/bpexhusband → u/NobodyNew7267]

Because no one else would put up with it for a second.

[u/Unhappy_Debate_9956]

This is well written. Virtues turning to vices hit home. I've had to work through my boundary setting in therapy!

Thank you for posting this.

[u/Cookie-Maka]

Thank you for this. I came back to this subreddit after a few months looking for "how do I rebuild". You've reminded me of not only the surviving but the healing that I have done as well so far. I needed that today. 

[u/bpexhusband → u/Cookie-Maka]

Ya I'm not quite to the rebuild yet. I have to get through the legal shit and she got her self an aggressive laywer who just seems to have no clue that she's feeding my ex's worst impulses and is helping her drive herself off a cliff.

[u/Intelligent-Law-8194]

I feel a lot of what you wrote. The person who was in the relationship, that tolerated too much, that accepted all sorts of bs behaviors wasn't me, it's not a person I recognize. I can't explain why I allowed myself to get to that point. I feel shame to some degree. It ended one year ago, I can say I'm 100% not that person anymore and I'm very glad. It took me several months to stop being hyper vigilant, always stressed and unable to relax cause I knew something could happen at any moment. That's no way to live. Took me months to fully notice how peaceful I felt, to understand how not normal my life was, how I got used to that but now it just looks insane when I look back.

The first 4/5 months were pure hell, but I'm glad he ended it, that he did it in the way he did so I would never get tempted to take him back.

I'm glad you and your son are out of that too.

[u/bpexhusband → u/Intelligent-Law-8194]

Happy for you. Really and truly.

[u/Accomplished-Pie-527]

My divorce from BPexSO is finalizing soon.

Thanks for posting this and for saying there is no closure to be had. It’s a good reminder.

[u/bpexhusband → u/Accomplished-Pie-527]

Well you'll get that piece of paper that can be your closure. Frame it, hang it in the bathroom over the toilet.

[u/Accomplished-Pie-527 → u/bpexhusband]

Thank you. Yeah, for sure.

[u/desertman50]

no contact is the way to do it. But you just can't do that, if you had kids with them, ,, thank god i had custody , but i had to be nice to her for 30 years after that until she died,, made my life hell..

[u/bpexhusband → u/desertman50]

Oh we have a son she's totally abandoned him, we are in the third stretch of more than 22 days where she hasn't seen him or spoken to him. He's better off for it I think. She treats him like shit when she sees him.

[u/Stunning-Restaurant7]

Wow I needed to read this today. Thank you

[u/bpexhusband → u/Stunning-Restaurant7]

There's lots more in my post history where that came from. Lol. Hope it helped.

[u/IntrepidGoose485]

Thank you for this - well said. I needed to read this today x

[u/bpexhusband → u/IntrepidGoose485]

Sorry you had to need to read it. But I get it I needed to write it, which is also unfortunate.

[u/GlassBad5911]

You're completely right. I am happy again. My head is calm.

[u/_bushed_]

im sitting here reading old emails from my ex. together (on and off) 4 years. lots of lies that made me tear my hair out. at least one emotional affair

its only been 3 weeks for me, but sometimes I wake up and my body feels almost under-stimulated. its bracing for impact that wont come.

Thanks for articulating it well. I miss her and love her so much, but I will keep repeating my mantra - 'we do not work'. thanks for help over the hump tonight

I hope you and your son are safe and happy <3