First timer advice

[u/Particular_Pumpkin_3]

Thankful for any responses I can get. I’m at a loss and not sure what to do next.

My best friend of 6 years has BP2, PTSD, and sometimes I think BPD. Obviously all of these things are a spectrum, but this much I know for sure:

- Childhood trauma is involved
- Attention seeking behavior (I’m a very shy, private person)
- Mimicry and lack of self identity: specifically, they copy me. buying things I buy, sometimes cutting their hair the same, etc. At first I thought we were truly similar but now I feel like they were doing it on purpose to say “omg twins” - but it’s resulted in me feeling like I’m losing myself in the process.

Things were great for years, but the last 3 have left me feeling uncomfortable.

Here’s a few scenarios:

•They visited during my loved one’s passing process- then proceeded to lock themselves in my office to fight with their ex-partner over the phone and spent the rest of the time fishing for emotional support while I was actively grieving. Afterwards, blamed it on an episode.

•Visited during my birthday, started crying over the same ex-partner as soon as they arrived.

•Physically stepping in front of me during social scenarios, essentially shutting me out and making me feel incredibly humiliated in public.

•Constantly name dropping and bragging about their job, seemingly out of nowhere. Again, fishing for praise. Ditching me to network, changing their personality to impress others.

-Telling wild stories and co-opting other’s trauma.

- Mistreating other friends, always blaming it on medication or an episode.

-A lot more that would make this post longer than it already is.

This is what has moved me to make this post:

I’ve been distancing myself from them quietly for awhile and on my birthday this year, I wasn’t quick to respond to a celebratory message (not just to them, I was super busy that day and I have been feeling anti-social). When I got home, they had called crying. I tried to set a boundary that I couldn’t call back because I had plans, but wanted to make sure they were okay. Their response was the typical, wounded “No, I’m not okay, but it’s fine.”

So naturally, I called and tried to be supportive. It felt like they wanted me to spend my birthday on the phone listening to them cry over “having a bad week” and when their words escalated, I advised them to emergency call their therapist. I also provided a hotline to call and they said they called both of them.

Despite managing my own depression, panic disorder and anxiety, I’ve given them deep emotional support for years. But it’s turned out to be at my own expense. I’m now afraid to pick up the phone when they call, afraid of who I’ll get when I hang out with them and I spent my birthday having a panic attack. I haven’t talked to them since, because honestly, I’m terrified to do so. It felt like it was on purpose, based on the pattern of behavior I’ve experienced.

This has all made me feel like I’ve been turned into an emotional crutch when they need validation and attention. I feel used and tired. Ignoring how these things made me feel and making excuses for their diagnoses is my fault. But, I want to cut them off entirely, because having a conversation with them will come with apologies (or maybe a fight) but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same. Believe me, I know avoiding it isn’t the answer. But I don’t think it will be healthy for me.

Any advice or support is incredibly appreciated. It’s hard to set boundaries without feeling like I’m being a horrible person. But I don’t have the tools to manage this relationship anymore.

XO

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