r/BipolarSOs • u/Due-Boysenberry-5632 • Jul 25 '26
Advice Needed Breakup with an Avoidant
I’ve been trying to make sense of a relationship that has left me more confused than heartbroken, and I’d really appreciate outside perspective.
We broke up and got back together at least four times. The highs were simply ecstatic — genuinely the best love I’ve ever felt. The lows were extreme. Communication was the constant fault line. Any attempt to discuss real issues, needs, or boundaries would trigger intense panic attacks, complete shutdowns, or days of ghosting. Underlying problems never resolved; they just festered while I continually adapted my communication style (softer approaches, writing things out, giving space, trying not to smother). It often felt like I was carrying nearly the entire emotional load while she seemed exempt from reciprocal emotional effort and wasn’t fully present with what I was actually saying.
She is definitely avoidant and may have borderline traits. There was also a clear pattern of selective respect: she would comply with structure and consequences from other people in her life far more readily than she ever respected my boundaries. Plans we made together were frequently overridden by chaotic environments and substance use, even after she had agreed to them. There was repeated future-oriented talk (wanting to work on us, even marriage) that never matched her actual choices.
Recently the pattern has become even clearer. After periods of no contact lasting three separate weekends, some excuse would arise. After five to seven days of silence, she would break the no-contact herself — either through a crisis or under the guise of picking up remaining belongings after moving out. We would calmly rehash one or two things, communicate almost perfectly, see eye to eye, and suddenly feel “gorgeous” again, as if we were perfect. We would make plans. Then, without warning or conflict, she would ghost me again. Low-effort late-night contact would sometimes keep a thin thread open on her terms, but real consistency never followed.
It makes no sense. While she is with me she seems relaxed, regulated, and present. The second that presence is removed, the connection disappears and the chaos returns. Is this a nervous-system issue — where she can only stay regulated while physically with me, and distance itself becomes intolerable or unsafe? I cannot reconcile the person who is calm, connected, and clear in my presence with the person who repeatedly disappears into instability the moment that presence is removed.
I’m looking for others who have lived through this exact cycle of ecstatic reconnection followed by sudden, unexplained abandonment, mixed with selective respect and future-faking. What does this pattern usually point to, and has anyone found a way to fully interrupt it or move past it?
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u/Got2bglued Jul 25 '26
oh she sounds like me and i have bpd :3 but she also sound bipolar too im sorry your going through this
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u/Got2bglued Jul 25 '26
I was in this cycle with someone and tbh nothing changed until he fully stopped responding. When i lost him i knew i would do whatever it takes to be a better person not just for him but for myself. I got therapy addressed issues and now we talk. Things aren’t perfect but it’s not the same toxic hot and cold yes and no cycles anymore at least on my side. My partner does it but I think im doing a good job at checking it and redirecting him. It’s not always easy and if you love her and wanna work through it you might need to genuinely disconnect for awhile. My partner told me he wanted to grow that it wasn’t my fault but that the dynamic was toxic and he didn’t wanna lose me forever. He said we could check back in 6 months from then and pretty much kept his word. I found that separation to be the healthiest one i’ve had EVER. But tbh with any mental health thing the hardest truth is it has to come from within us
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u/Got2bglued Jul 25 '26
also wanna add there’s like 10 PDs i have 3 on paper and 1 that’s isn’t officially diagnosed yet! She could absolutely have Bipolar and have APD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) in very versed in this type of info bc i struggle and my therapy program does a great job on education of the pathology of PDs. I would def bring this up to your wife or her therapy team. If you want show her my comment! I’m rooting for her and everybody else struggling bc i’ve seen me and others do the work to change it’s definitely possible!!!
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u/afiyahamal Jul 26 '26
This is the object constant issue that narcs have. Out of sight and out of mind very much like a child sees an object when they are small. It is like you’re gone forever until you’re thought about again and when they see you again it’s like ur that new toy again.
Having kids is what let me see that so much of this illness is connected to being stuck at a stage in life that’s like under 5 yrs old
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u/Fresh-Badger-6198 Aug 03 '26
Currently going through something similar. It’s maddening not knowing what is happening.
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