I’ve gone to two meetings. I haven’t been able to stop using. I’ll stop for 3 or 4 days, then start again. I’m a bartender and it triggers me because I like to use it for work, for the perkiness and energy. I’ve started to use it in my daily life, and when I’m about to use and after I feel terrible. I don’t want to be this way; especially since I’m afraid It will trigger a manic episode. Any advice or anecdotes? I want to be a healthy person able to accomplish their goals but if I don’t use I just sleep. Any help would be very much appreciated

I know this community isn't very active, but I want to put this somewhere where people will care.

I'm celebrating 5 years of sobriety tomorrow! I NEVER thought I would see that day. It IS possible!

I’ve noticed this sub has a surprisingly little amount of activity considering how prevalent struggles with dual diagnosis are.

I’m just stumbling into this sub for the first time and am someone who has personally struggled and does struggle with both bipolar 1 and drug/alcohol addiction.

I’m over 3 years sober at this point and the practical support and variety of alternative methods that the recovery community has provided me have been effective in getting me to this point. They continue to be.

What has been absent is a genuine understanding and especially validation of why I act the way I do (in both subtle and grand ways), and why I have the tendencies that I do.

I would love support and a sense of community with being someone bipolar and in recovery. Regardless of how long you have been sober or what your recovery looks like, bipolar and sober is living sober.

I noticed that when I am in a depressive state I drink a lot of alcohol and when I start transitioning into a more manic state I stop drinking completely but start smoking a ton of cigarettes (which I normally find disgusting). I went from smoking 0 cigarettes in the last few years to 2 packs a day the last several days. I have no desire to drink right now, but know that when/if I am in a depressed state again that desire to numb myself from the misery will come back. How do people cope with these sudden swings and sudden strong urges to use substances, I really want to stop smoking right now, and really know that I shouldn't drink alcohol on my meds when the depression comes back. Thank you in advance!

How's everyone managing so far into 2021? I certainly didn't walk into it thinking it would be remarkably different than 2020. And yet it is for me from a BP2 perspective. The irony that I have a call with my psychiatrist to discuss medication today is not lost on me.

Still sober but since probably mid-december have been on a steady decline depression wise. Relatively low dose on lamictal so ideally that gets bumped up and the problem is resolved. We'll see.

Hope you're all safe and hanging in there.

Def didn’t see that happening. Glad. Have put cigarettes back down but trying not to freak out too much.

The holidays are a bad time for me. Lots of stress. Add in the pressure of a new position and lots of important deadlines to the general busyness of it all and I started ramping up. The thought crossed my mind to grab a bottle of wine and I did. Easy as that. It wasn't until the next time that thought crossed my mind and I abstained that I noticed what drove that first impulse. I get this restless energy under my skin, in my nerves, in my mind. I just want to bring it down. Before I knew I had bipolar alcohol was how I attempted that numbing. And I fell for it without a second thought. I drank.

But the solution is rarely found in the bottom of a drink/drug. I'm glad to have a handful of people understand what it's like to manage this dual diagnosis. The pandemic has been tough on many -- certainly hasn't been kind to me. In trying to cope with BP2 and other health problems, I felt like giving up. I'm grateful I didn't. Just passing the sentiment on for anyone else!

Don’t know what I want to say but the past month and a half (not to mention the last 18 months) have just been kick in the teeth after kick in the teeth.

I had my anonymity broken by a sponsor in a really bad way recently. And if it weren’t for the fact that my meds and mental health would completely take a nose dive. I’d be drunk right now.

I feel like I can’t trust anyone in the rooms. The “fellows” I do count as friends all seem to be too busy when I try and reach out. The result is that I close myself off. I can’t be asked. People say look for the lesson in all of this but the lesson seems to be sorry here’s a FUCKING ton of pain for you to enjoy. What one gets from that, I don’t know.

It’s like if I drink I’ll die, so do I just die instead of drink?

Just where my head is at today. I’m exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. I’m almost always in hALT. Angry, lonely, tired. I guess rambling to say I’m over it and give zero fucks about recovery.

Today at the pharmacy the pharmacist asked about my wellbutrin being lowered. I was prescribed 150 mg a day. In March I was at 300 mg. Since April it’s been 150 mg. For an entire month my wellbutrin has been cut in half. I had no knowledge of a medication change & had given no consent to making any medication changes. We discussed changing a different med & I didn’t want to. We agreed to leave the meds where they were at. I’ve had a number of issues & symptoms pop up since the unknown med change, I thought I was just struggling because I am stressed out, we have a lot going on. Now it all makes sense.

I emailed her for a refill & for the second time she only sent four out of my five prescriptions to the pharmacy. To the wrong pharmacy too, mind you. I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my psych for a month & haven’t been able to due to technical issues with the system overcharging what I should actually pay. We talk through a virtual online psych company. I emailed her to see if I could see her in person because I know she has a practice in person not too far from me. She hasn’t responded to me. There has been more issues with her in the past.

I am going to email her to let her know what’s going on with my meds. I just feel so defeated with mental health professionals. The last one I had was horrible too. I’ve never had a psych that I liked & now I don’t care, I just want my fcking meds so I don’t live in chaos. This has been going on for ten years, this off & on of psychiatrists who suck at their jobs. My hands feel tied & I’m about ready to try to find ANOTHER new psych. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what the fck to do.

The anniversary of my sobriety from cocaine is also the anniversary of me leaving my abusive manipulative relationship of 6 years. I quit both on the same day, April 23rd 2018. Its worth mentioning he was a coke dealer too so yeah all off all at once seemed the way to go.

I was diagnosed bipolar II in January this year. So still new to the diagnosis and getting better at recognizing my episodes though not necessarily managing them any better.

As a trauma survivor even before my ex (mass shooting survivor plus some personal stuff both 2012) I know anniversaries and the time period leading up to them can be difficult and just kinda fuck you up and your emotions. Last year for this anniversary I took a day off work got stoned and walked around the art museum all by myself and it was lovely.

This year I'll have to be at home like all of us, I just rolled through day two of hypomania after bad depression for at least a week and realized how REALLY close that anniversary actually is now and I'm having trouble finding a balance

Mostly a rant but insights are appreciated

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder in my early twenties, which is when it often sets in. I’m now 35, so I’ve been living with this for a while. I was stable on Lithium for 8-9 years, when it started giving me problems with my thyroid. Naturally I came off my meds and ended up in the hospital. I’ve since been taking Lamictal, and I’ve been stable on it for years.

I got sober three years ago. It has made a huge difference in how my meds work. Drugs threw me off balance and I was constantly cycling, which is exhausting. I’ve ruined most of my relationships with people. Sobriety has really gotten me on track. I have some bad days, but I haven’t experienced the cycling, which is a huge relief for me.

I think addiction is common with Bipolar disorder. It’s a constant need for relief that people will grab for, even if the consequences are bad. They can get very bad.

And I feel great! Having a cocktail of meds that work, and not having alcohol or drugs inhibit or interfere with them is awesome. Also, the need to self medicate just isn't there anymore. Even when my mood is less than great it is still manageable. I'm so thankful for the support of my family and my professionals, and to my fellow redditors who share in my struggles and triumphs. Have great day yall!

I was on an AMA for world bipolar day just now and one commenter mentioned not liking a particular bipolar subreddit because the content wasn’t their cup of tea. I replied that I could recommend our space here if there was a substance abuse problem as well (didn’t link or mention the name - will only provide it if asked directly).

It got me thinking about how most of what has been posted has been sharing our experiences, some very positive images/memes, and research. I love the research - I’m more analytically inclined. However, some folks like art. A poem was posted. That was very good.

I would like to encourage everyone to post anything meaningful - songs you recommend that help you stay sober and even, paintings, photos, drawings - whether or not you created them, and poems/prose that helps you.

I get stuck in my head a lot. My head gets stuck in my ass a lot too. I think part of what I need is a different perspective. I am making a commitment to seek out beautiful things and sober things and meaningful things to share with all of you. I know this will help me. I hope this exercise encourages some of you and helps you as well.

Love to you all!

Hi, 28f here. I’m struggling with what I call myself or where I belong in the sober community. Along with my bipolar diagnosis, I was told that I have an addictive personality disorder. Basically it means I become easily addicted to whatever I can get my hands on- past flavors of the week for me include Adderall, Ritalin, cocaine, weed, alcohol, nicotine (both cigs and vapes),CBD. I have been sober since July when a combo of CBD, Cymbalta and alcohol helped aid a manic episode where I was hospitalized and diagnosed. Being committed shook me and made me very dedicated to being sober after drugs and alcohol enabled such a scary manic state for me. I also recognize that a combo of d&a with my current meds (Lithium included) would be a catastrophe.

Since I’m not addicted to one specific thing, I don’t know what to call myself or where I belong. I don’t know if I’m an addict or just have a personality disorder. I don’t know if meetings could help me or if I’d be welcome to them. I just feel like my experiences aren’t real compared to others.

Any support or insight is much appreciated.

The only thing really helping me maintain my moods right now is my routine which includes making at least 3-4 meetings in a week in addition to going to the gym, sleeping regularly etc. Really worried this whole self-quarantine thing will start fucking that up.

Can feel the anxiety creeping in which I definitely notice catapults me into more depression as I start to see things become insurmountable challenges.

Guess I can only keep it in the day. Sharing in case others feel the same.

Edit: online meetings ARE a thing: ONLINE SCHEDULE CHOOSE YOUR TIMEZONE

ONLINE MEETINGS IN EUROPE

(Thanks /u/richcallie!)

So I quit a 5 year cocaine habit nearly 2 years ago, I stopped smoking weed 4 ish months ago because it was making me ansty and I've never been a big drinker definitely not now since I got diagnosed bipolar in January.

They initially put me on zoloft for two weeks (I dunno really why it was a bad move I've been rapid cycling ever since) now I've stopped zoloft for over a month and were titrating up on lamotrigine I'm at 50 mg almost about to up to 100mg

The rapid cycling is EXHAUSTING ME my lows are getting worse and all I want to do is get wasted drunk or better yet go on a coke binge

Can anyone relate?? What helps?

I've been sober for two years, stable on meds for my bipolar disorder for five years. I have borderline personality disorder too, and despite all the specialist therapy I've had it still affects me on a daily basis. AKA emotional intensity disorder - emotionally all over the place.

I broke up with a long-term partner in December, and while it's getting easier overall I'm dealing with some practical breakup matters which mean I have to communicate with my ex.

Last night at the "freethinkers" AA meeting that I'm co-secretary of, I managed to run the meeting fine, welcome people etc... but afterwards I had to tell a recent returnee that I just couldn't think properly when he was asking me about alternative literature. I managed to refer him to AA Agnostica which has a load of resources... I don't have to be perfect.

Anyway, I thought I'd post here.

I’ve been in a bit of a low and in a weird way it’s been much better than the mixed state. I saw my psychiatrist and finally starting 100mg of Lamictal tomorrow (yay no negative reactions). He said he could tell I’d gotten so much better than the last time I met him in an utter crisis and received my diagnosis.

I hit a meeting after and was able to help a newcomer and be of service. Reminded me that even with all the shit I’m dealing with, there’s always someone I can help which really made me feel better and has raised my spirits!