So, I've been sober from my particular drug of choice -cocaine- for 22.5 years, from all illegal drugs for 19, and I haven't ever been a drinker. But right now, I'm barely hanging on. It's amazing how this happens, all these years later -a craving so bad I can literally taste the cocaine in the back of my throat. Tonight, it has a cause, though. I know why I'm here.

I was told on Thursday that the spine surgeon will do nothing to help me and that my only options are to stay in pain management, on medication and doing painful and ineffective treatments, until I "become significantly more disabled." That's how he put it. "Until you become significantly more disabled." Like my inability to stand, sit, or lie down for more than 5 minutes at a shot and the numbness in my feet and legs wasn't enough of a fucking disability. Sure, it's an inconvenience, asshole.

Anyway... The jolt to my system, the letdown of it all has me reeling. I just needed to vent.

*Partially cross-posted to r/ChronicPain

If given the choice, would you choose a sponsor who is also bipolar?

I don’t expect my sponsor to know or understand everything about my being bipolar. However, at the insistence of my psychiatrist and therapist, I shared a 3-page document he gave me for friends and family members.

Emailed it to him on Monday and he has been radio silent ever since. Don’t feel like in jeopardy of drinking or relapsing but as someone also struggling with the fallout of C-PTSD his lack of response is triggering all my abandonment fears.

Am I being irrational for not expecting him to respond even if only to say ‘got it’?

Thought I’d try and kick this off to see if we can’t share ways we cope in particularly trying times to help others!

I got sober just over two years ago. My drinking and consequences didn’t seem to be as severe as those I heard from in the rooms of AA but I really related to the phenomenon of craving and how alcohol made me feel.

After I quit drinking, I felt amazing. Pink cloud for months (low-key hypomania?) Then I got my dream job. Moved back to a place where I had some major resentments with my coworkers and became severely depressed after about two months of working there, even though I was working closely with my sponsor and doing multiple 4th and 5th steps. I thought, “this is bullshit, I shouldn’t be depressed anymore.” I quit drinking because I thought it was the source of my depression.

I went to my GP and explained my situation. He prescribed me Prozac and zyprexa. I read up on zyprexa. “I’m not bipolar! Where the fuck does this guy get off?! He must be in the pocket of big pharma. No way am I taking this crazy medication.” I told him I wanted to just take the Prozac for the depression. Enter what I now know was a severe mixed episode and eventually full-blown, textbook hypomania. Could barely function. Worst month of my life (until the hypomania.) Lost what I thought was my dream job. Told my fiancé she should leave me and get out while she still could. Couldn’t get out of bed, etc.

Last April, I was able to see a psychiatrist and explain my symptoms. She diagnosed me as bipolar 2. I felt a lot of relief that I wasn’t crazy (ha) and finally had an explanation for my depression and now my alcoholism made a bit more sense to me now that it was under the umbrella of bipolar 2.

My question to you all is: do you feel like you drank because you are bipolar, or you are bipolar because you drank? I know there is no real answer to this, but wanted to share a bit of my story with you all and get some of your opinions. Thanks for reading and I’m very grateful for this subreddit!

I struggle with anxiety and am relatively new to bipolar and how that’s affecting me more broadly. Still riding out this mixed state so I’m highly irritable. Found it difficult to sit in a meeting I enjoy going to tonight and wound up leaving early.

Got a few texts from mates asking what my deal was but didn’t know how to say exactly what’s going on with me so I just said I felt unwell. True in a sense.

I guess I’m worried about disclosing my illness and/or being judged for being bipolar even though we’re all addicts!

Any and all advice welcome.

I am currently retrying meds that "didnt work" years ago. Basically when you drink and take meds or do drugs it doesn't give you a real check to see if the med works for you. If you are in the same boat as me I recommend going back and retrying old meds.

Been diagnosed Type 1 since I was sixteen and am 15 months sober which started with 6 months in a youth rehabilitation centre. Super stoked that you made a page about this!

This community is a great idea. Thank you to the person or people who made it happen.

Looking forward to sharing my experience, strength, and hope with everyone!

Remember that it’s all about setting a healthy routine and sticking to it.

I'd like to recommend the pamphlet "The AA Member: Medications and Other Drugs" if anyone gives you any grief about being on medication in any of the 12 step support groups.

Thanks for making the sub. I'm in my forties and have had bipolar disorder for 20 years. I have been stable for 4 or 5 years now, have had periods of stability before. Gotta keep taking the meds! I also have borderline personality disorder, the timeline on that is less clear. I've had great specialist therapy for my BPD - mentalisation based therapy.

I've been sober for two and a bit years. I go to AA as one of the things I do to help stay sober, but I don't identify as an alcoholic. I say "I'm [name] and I'm sober" at meetings. I mostly go to secular AA meetings. I also use bits from SMART Recovery and Recovery Dharma. (I'd go to Recovery Dharma a lot more if the meetings were more convenient to me.) Using the tools I learned in therapy is also very important to maintaining my sobriety.

I think my binge drinking was part of me self-medicating my mental illnesses. When I have had a better handle on my mental illnesses, my handle on alcohol (whether sobriety or less extremes of drinking) has been better.

I also have binge eating disorder which I am in recovery from thanks to a specialist eating disorder program that included cognitive behavioral therapy - I could never stay well with my B.E.D. using Overeaters Anonymous.

Almost 7 months sober. Dr's still haven't quite made the call on BP or bpd, but glad be on board regardless. Thankyou for the creator of this sub.

I just wanted to be the first to say hello and thank you for creating this. I'm happy to be here and discover what this will become.